Don’t Like the Answer? Then Don’t Ask the Question.

Too many people bait you by trying to get you to commit to an answer or get your opinion even though you may be reluctant to give it. Then, if they don’t like what they hear, they will take it out on you or on themselves. Often they can never forgive you. In order to avoid giving them an answer they may not want to hear and to circumvent the dilemma of being damned if you speak and damned if you don’t speak, be diplomatic. If you sense that they will hold a grudge against you for life, think carefully about answering them. It may seem like the cowardly thing to do, but it is your judgment call. Trust your instincts. Another tactic is to change the subject or excuse yourself from the room for a moment (go to the bathroom, for instance). This might buy enough time that they will forget and go on to another topic. If they persist, tell them that you feel uncomfortable and don’t want them to hate you if they don’t like the answer they are about to hear. If you are the recipient of the news, take full responsibility for asking the question, and most importantly,
“don’t kill the messenger.”

Respect Should Be Your Mantra

We throw the word “respect” around like a Frisbee, but nobody pays much attention to what it really means.
When you respect, you appreciate, cherish, honor, and admire.
In essence, you look up to the person. That doesn’t mean that you look down at yourself and hold him in higher esteem. Instead, it means that you honor who he is. With “respect” comes the complete consciousness and awareness of the other person. You need to always be aware of his time. That means when he says he has to go, let him go. Don’t keep him.
When people say they’re going to accomplish something no matter how large or small the project is, respect them enough to assume that they will accomplish what they said they would accomplish. Don’t give any reasons why it can’t be done. Don’t even think about negating or diluting what they said.

Mind Your Own Business!

Don’t impose; don’t get too detailed. Read their body, face, and verbal cues. Don’t ignorantly and unconsciously keep asking questions. Let them volunteer. Don’t invade their privacy or personal space. If you pay close enough attention, you’ll know when you have done so. If you have, back off immediately!
Don’t offer advice unless you are asked. This is a sure-fire way to alienate people, especially if they don’t like your advice. You will feel bad that they didn’t heed it. And they in turn will feel bad that you are judging them, when in reality you were only trying to help them.
Minding your own business means keeping confidences. Even though we all love the dirt, it’s ugly when someone tells you something that is her personal business. Therefore, mind your

Enough About You Already!

Constant talking about yourself angers people who are forced to listen to you. They might react by becoming short-tempered with you or by making fun of you. You might, however, be so self-consumed that you won’t hear them anyway, or don’t care even if you do care. Eventually, in addition to avoiding talking to you, they will use you as the brunt of jokes with their friends. The bottom line is, share the stage! Don’t hog the conversation!

Let Them Speak Their Piece

If you really want to aggravate people, just keep interrupting them when they are trying to make a point. People who interrupt are considered to be extremely annoying as well as toxic.
To curb your tendency to interrupt someone constantly, do the following:
1. Take the tip of your tongue and stick it between your two front teeth.
2. Bite down hard on your tongue (not so hard that you bite off your tongue or make it bleed).
3. Stick your tongue back in your mouth.
The stinging and lasting pain you experience from having bitten your tongue will serve as reminder to keep your tongue in your mouth and let the other person speak.

Terms of Endearment

A verbal pat on the back is only a few vertebrae away from a verbal kick in the pants. When you want to maintain good relationships with people who you like, always incorporate terms of endearment. “Please,” “would you mind,” “I like [or “love,” if appropriate] it when you __” are musts, no matter how familiar you are with the person.
“Honey,” “sweetie,” “baby,” “dear,” “love,” and “darling” are great terms to use when you have just been in verbal battle with a loved one. These terms often reassure the person that no matter how angry you both got at one another, you still feel tremendous affection towards her. On the other hand, the consequences of speaking these words to the wrong person in the wrong context can be disastrous. They can land you in front of a judge in a sexual harassment suit or get you fired, not to mention generating a lot of unnecessary hard feelings.
Southerners and older people who see nothing wrong with calling someone they like “darlin” have to be extra careful, since their use of terms of endearment are a way of life.
The moral of this story is to be always mindful of whom you are going to verbally endear.

Pay Attention to Trigger Words and Phrases.

Sometimes, things are going along fine, and then all of a sudden you hear a word or a phrase that sets you off, starting a full-scale war. These words and phrases can cause long-buried negative emotions to resurface.
The following list gives some phrases you should never use. They are destined to trigger a negative response and put someone on the defensive. When a sentence or conversation begins with any of these phrases, the person has automatically tuned you out, is ready to attack, or is ready to verbally defend himself.

1. You should have ___
2. You never ___
3. Why don't you ever ___
4. Why didn't you ___
5. You'd better ___
6. I don't believe you.
7. That's not true.
8. Don't you ever ___
9. How could you ever ___
10. You make me ___

Instead, you might want to substitute the phrases listed here with the following phrases, which are destined to get the person to hear you and perhaps do what you want them to do:

1. Perhaps you could ___
2. I'd appreciate it if you would ___
3. It would be in your best interest if you would ___
4. Have you looked at it from this point of view?
5. I don't mean to contradict you, but have you also considered ___?
6. Perhaps we could both ___
7. May I suggest ___?
8. I would prefer _____
9. It hurts my feelings when you don't ___
10. Do you think it would be a good idea if ___?
11. I would never criticize you, but don't you think that perhaps__?

Monitor Your Mouth

Just as it is essential to know when to speak up, it is equally important to know when to keep quiet. You can do this by observing your opponents clearly.
If you stop, look at them, and really listen and empathize with them, you will be surprised at how much less frequently you will say the wrong thing. You will become more conscious of your words. If you stop and suck in air for a moment before you speak, you will never make a faux pas. Mistakes like these are usually made when you are not thinking about whom you are speaking to and what you intend to say.

Speak Up Immediately!

No festering allowed! No shoving what they said, and your emotional reactions to it, under the table! No more keeping things in. Speak out immediately. The best phrase for you to use when you are miffed by what someone had just said is, “Excuse me, what did you mean by that? Explain what you mean.”
If you heard right the first time, and they said what you thought they said, take immediate issue. What happens when it’s 2 A.M., and your thinking about a perceived negative comment keeps you up? Call the person first thing in the morning when she gets into work, and deal with it then. Otherwise, if it’s a reasonable time in the day, call her as soon as the comment starts to bother you.

Open Your Heart!a

When we are angry or upset, our body, especially our hearts, react much differently than when we have good and positive feelings about a person.
Here is a technique that can help you open your heart, even toward a verbal adversary. Try to imagine that person as a sweet and innocent baby. Try to find one good point about him and focus on that thought. If you can't find at least one good thing about him, you haven't looked hard enough.
Opening up your heart towards the adversary may often result in diffusing his hostility and anger. Don't hesitate to make the first move—whether you smile at him, put out your hand for a friendly handshake, or make a kind remark. If the situation is befitting, you can even offer a short and warm “hello” kiss. You'll get a lot of satisfaction from taking him off-guard.
Your loving and heartfelt gestures often diffuse others' anger and hostility towards you. So don't be surprised if you see a 180-degree turn in their behavior. Watch them metamorphose from mean to nice in less than 10 seconds.
Congratulations, you have just won the first battle in the verbal war!

Open Your Mind!

To gain the winning advantage over your verbally vicious opponent, you need to deflate all prejudices or preconceived notions you have about him or her. Begin each interaction with a fresh new outlook.
This might seem a Herculean task, and indeed it does require a lot of practice and inner harmony to accomplish. I'm not telling you to forget about how awful they can be. I am not telling you not to be on guard. What I am telling you is to follow the same approach used by martial artists. When they face their opponents, they show no fear or anger towards their opponents and clear their minds of any previous feelings toward them.
A closed mind begets closed life. An open mind, on the other hand, results in an open and exciting life filled with the excited anticipation of what is going to happen next. An open, non-prejudiced mind allows you to deal with any situation or person that may come your way because you are free of preconceived notions. You are ready for any surprise!

Thoughts in Your Head

You are what you think! It doesn't matter what others think. It only matters what you think about you. It's as simple as the fact that if you think good thoughts, more good will happen to you, while if you think bad thoughts, more bad will come to you. If you really believe you can do something, most likely you will do it.
If you really want to work to replace the ideas that you are a failure in life and that you are limited in how far you can go, try meditation and affirmation tapes by Guru Ji Pillai, Ph.D. The tapes teach you how to think “vertically”—to think about infinite possibilities in your life. This is in contrast to horizontal thinking—going along with the status quo and being stuck in a rut. Guru Ji says that only by expanding your thoughts and your awareness can you manifest your goals and life dreams. His philosophies and concepts are so effective that popular author Dr. Wayne Dyer has incorporated Guru Ji's unique technique in his best-selling book Manifest Your Destiny.

The Power of the Word—What a Surprise!

Whether you believe in metaphysics or precognitions, in my personal research of tragic stories, I've observed that when people utter negative expectations, these usually come to pass. This is called the “self-fulfilling prophecy.” If you don't think that you can do something, chances are that you can't or that you won't do it well.
Even if you are feeling a little insecure because you have never done something before, keep telling yourself that you can do it: you'll be surprised at what happens. Many successful athletes and Olympic winners with whom I've worked use this technique. So did the little train in the ever-popular children's story. The little train “thought he could,” and by golly, he did get up that steep railroad track!

Talk Nice to You and Others Will Too

Never be a verbal abuser to the person you need to care for the most—YOU! When you say negative things to yourself, you are unconsciously chipping away at your self-worth, which obviously diminishes your selfesteem. You might think that you are being humble by cutting yourself down or being self-deprecating, but you are not.
Instead you are exhibiting a weakness—a “one-downsmanship” that your verbally hostile opponent can latch onto. In essence, you are giving your opponent more verbal ammunition to use against you. It may feel okay or painless when you make a cutting remark about yourself. When that cutting remark comes out of the mouths of other people, however, suddenly there is a painful sting to their zing! They might even add more verbal poison to the cutting remarks you already made about yourself. They may embellish what you said, thereby making their cut even deeper and more excruciating by hitting one of your most vulnerable emotional spots. Imagine.
The moral of this lesson is this: Don't add to the arsenal of your verbal enemy—don't say bad things to yourself.

Don’t Like Something About Yourself? Change It!

If you happen to dislike something about yourself, with all the choices available to you these days, you can definitely improve or change it. You might protest, “this is the body or face I was given, so why change it?” In a sense, of course, you are absolutely right! Why change what was given to you naturally? On the other hand, if you’re self-conscious
about some aspect of yourself such as your nose or body, improving it can change your entire outlook about yourself.
Psychotherapists exist to help you improve your personality, while plastic surgeons, skin specialists, speech and voice coaches, hairdressers, dentists, orthodontists, clothing and makeup consultants, and weight-loss specialists can help you become the best you can be. There are no more excuses! You can be all that you want to be—if you want to be all that you are!
When you really like yourself, are willing to accept everything about yourself, and are working to improve the things you don’t like, you become more secure within yourself. As a result you become more powerful. Your power and radiance can be blinding to your verbal adversaries, who might just back off.

You Gotta Like You!

It’s not enough to know yourself. You must like yourself as well. If you like and respect you, others usually follow suit. They wouldn’t dream of treating you any way you wouldn’t treat yourself.
When you like you, you don’t let people walk over you, abuse you, or say horrible things to you. You know how you fit into the world. You come from a position of self-respect and in turn demand that respect from others. If you are being treated poorly and consistently spoken to in an abusive manner in your relationship, you are treating yourself poorly by staying in that relationship. The first step to changing this situation is to like yourself enough to get out! Get out immediately! The book Toxic People—10 Ways of Dealing with People Who Make Your Life Miserable, gives you all the steps you need to unplug from this extremely toxic situation.

“Who Are You?” Quiz

In the back of every issue of Vanity Fair magazine is a page on which a celebrity is asked provocative questions. If you cover up the celebrity's answer and substitute your own, you will be surprised by the things you can discover about yourself—things that never entered your mind before. In the following list, you will find a series of questions ranging from easy to some requiring considerable thought. Answer with the first thing that comes into your mind. Enjoy! “Who Are You?” Quiz
1. Favorite color ___
2. Favorite type of music ___
3. Favorite type of film ___
4. Favorite animal ______
5. Three adjectives describing it ______
6. Favorite smell _____
7. Favorite food ______
8. I like to drink ______
9. My favorite sport is _____
10. My favorite city is _____
11. My favorite books are _____
12. I usually read ______
13. My favorite TV show is ___
14. My favorite actor is _____
15. My favorite actress is ___
16. Favorite season ___
17. Favorite time of the day ___
18. If there was a disaster I would grab ___
19. Favorite male ___
20. Favorite female ______
21. Three things I love to do ______
22. The happiest time of my life ________
23. The worst time of my life ________
24. Three things I would like on a desert island _____
25. Three people I would like on a desert island ________
26. The woman I admire the most ________
27. The man I admire the most ________
28. Three women I admire ________
29. Why ________
30. Three men I admire ________
31. Why ________
32. When I was a child I admired _____
33. Who is my mother ________
34. Who is my father ________
35. People who make me miserable ___
36. Why ________
37. When I was younger _____
38. When I get older ________
39. When I get angry, I ________
40. What upsets me the most is _____
41. I regret ________
42. I never regret ________
43. I am so happy I ________
44. Beautiful women make me feel _____
45. Powerful men make me feel ______
46. Powerful women make me feel ______
47. Handsome men make me feel ________
48. What makes me cry is _____
49. What makes me laugh is _____
50. My biggest fantasy would be ________
51. Whenever I'm nervous, I _____
52. When I look in the mirror I ________
53. The three qualities I look for in a friend are _____
54. The three traits that turn me off in people are _____
55. I could vomit if _____
56. When I get angry, I _____
57. When I get nervous, I _____
58. A perfect mate would ________
59. A perfect life would be ________
60. My three best traits are _____
61. My three worst traits are ________
62. I love _____
63. I hate ________
64. My childhood was _____
65. As an adult I ________
66. I'd never change ________
67. I'd love to change ________
68. I see myself as ________
69. Others see me as ________
70. Next week I want to ________
71. Next month I want to ________
72. Next year I want to ________
73. In the next 5 years, I want to _____
74. If I were President, I would _____
75. If I had three wishes, they would be _____

There are no right or wrong answers. Your responses merely make up a profile of who you are. How many questions did you have to ponder before you could answer them? How many questions were easy to answer?
Examining your answers gives you an even greater opportunity to look inside yourself and even make changes in how you see yourself and live your life. This survey is also excellent to do several times a year, so that you can chart your personal development.
It might also be a good idea to have loved ones fill out the same questionnaire; then you all can share your results. This can bond you closer to the ones you love.

Who in the World Are You?

When you know yourself, you know the world around you and how you fit in. You know what you will and won’t tolerate. You will know who and what is good for you and who or what isn’t.
Many insecurities come about because we don’t really know ourselves, and as a result we aren’t sure about ourselves. We know more about others than we know about ourselves. You probably can rattle off your mate’s favorite color, food, and turn-ons and turn-offs. If I asked you these same questions about yourself, however, you probably could not answer as quickly, and would most likely have to stop and think for a while.
Why? Because you have never taken the time to really think about your likes and dislikes. Unless you have spent several years in psychoanalysis, you have not closely examined yourself. You haven’t invested much time into thinking about all of the parts of you that make you who you are. Now it’s time for you to learn as much as you can about the number one person in your life—YOU! It’s your chance to become introspective and find out all you ever wanted to know but didn’t think to ask about yourself.

Spit It Out Already!

According to my Gallup poll, many people were also annoyed by someone who spoke too slowly. You may do this while you are thinking, thus ignoring the person you are speaking to. If you have a boring, monotonous voice, you might tend to exaggerate your vowels. In order to stop this, be mindful each time you speak. As you sip in air before you begin to speak, think of spending only one second on each vowel. This way, you speed up and talk at a rate at which people find it pleasurable to listen to you.
It is also important, especially if you are in a situation where you are expected to do some public speaking, to avoid saying the following words: “like,” “um,” and “uh.” So be mindful of your filler words. Silence is better than making someone listen to these motor-like sounds. Flowing your sounds together and coordinating your breathing with your talking (as mentioned earlier) can help.
Spending one second on each vowel, as well as consciously stopping yourself whenever you want to “um” and “uh,” can also help you to modify this negative behavior. Hearing silence is better than hearing your annoying sounds.

Quiet! My Ears Can’t Take It!

Speaking too loudly is often a sign of hearing loss. If you find that people are wincing when you speak or shushing you on a regular basis, you should consider seeing a doctor. The solution may be as simple as having your ears cleaned out.

Slow Down! It's Not the Grand Prix.

Close to 70 percent of the respondents in the Gallup Poll couldn't stand it when people spoke too fast. Asking someone to constantly repeat what she said is not fun. You may find people snapping at you because they are frustrated by not being able to understand what you are saying. To slow down your speech is to draw out your vowel sounds for approximately one second.

Swallow Already!

If you are listening intensely to someone, you might forget to swallow, and therefore you will drool. Another casualty of not swallowing is ugly spittle that builds up in the corners of your mouth. Both of these conditions gross people out, so it is important to be conscious or mindful of swallowing your saliva on a consistent basis.
Swallow whenever you take in a sip of air before you begin speaking. Sipping water on a consistent basis (especially when your mouth is dry) can often remind you to swallow. Mints are also effective in helping you to swallow on a regular basis, so don't leave home without them.

Say It—Don't Spray It!

Have you ever talked to someone and felt that you needed a raincoat? He spit and sprayed his saliva all over you. If you yourself do this, help is on the way. This may be a casualty of not swallowing your saliva on a consistent basis or having over-active salivary glands. They might also bear down hard on the back portion of your tongue muscles, which in turn press on the salivary gland, thereby causing your saliva to squirt out. You might also do this because of ill-fitting dentures, wearing braces, or having new crowns. In any case, relax your tongue muscles each time you speak. Swallow your excess saliva after you finish speaking, and make yourself take another breath before you continue speaking.

Vowel Control

Vowels are the meat of your speech. They are produced by selectively changing the size and shape of the oral cavity. Here is a spoken exercise to help you with your vowel pronunciation.
• beet bit bet bat bought but
• boast boot ee ih eh ah aw uh o oo

Kicking Key Consonants

Lisping children may be adorable. But as we discussed in the last chapter, studies have shown that people perceive adults who lisp their s or r sounds (with the exception of a regional or foreign dialect) as not being very bright.
Adult lispers are often made fun of. Those who lisp tend to be perceived as weaker and less intelligent than those who don’t lisp. As I have seen throughout the years in my private practice, this can affect one’s social and business standing.
Some lisping is due to ill-fitting crowns, dentures, braces or other dental appliances, missing teeth, spaces between the teeth, or the position of the jaw. Other causes of lisping are significant underbites or overbites. If this applies to you, consult an orthodontist immediately. On the other hand, lisping may be due to poor tongue placement. To make a proper s sound, place the tip of your tongue against your lower teeth, slightly open your jaw, and push out the hissing air. To make a proper r sound, curl the tip of your tongue all the way back to the roof of your mouth.
Consonants are produced by the positions of the tongue, lips, teeth, and the back of the throat. The following exercises will help improve your consonant pronunciation. Repeat them in rapid succession in the order listed here:

• Lips: pa pa pa ba ba ba ma ma ma wa wa wa
• Lower lip against teeth: fa fa fa va va va
• Tongue between teeth: the the the thin thin thin
• Tongue tip against back of upper teeth: ta ta ta na na na da da da la la la
• Tongue tip against back of lower teeth: sa sa sa za za za
• Tongue tip against roof of mouth: cha cha cha sha sha sha ja ja ja ra ra ra
• Tongue tip against back of throat: ka ka ka ga ga ga ung ung ung

Tasting Your Sounds

Too many of us slur our words, mumble, and mispronounce our sounds, such as leaving the “ings” off words (such as with “coming” or “going”).
As a result, we are often misunderstood or end up making those listening to us feel uncomfortable. The Gallup Poll verified this: over 63 percent of people found these characteristics annoying.

The Stuffed-Up Nose
Just as you can sound too nasal, you can also sound too non-nasal, as though your nose is stuffed up. And your nose may very well be stuffed up, blocking your breathing passages. In this case, it is essential to consult with a qualified ear, nose, and throat doctor. He can provide you with certain medications or may even perform surgery to reduce the blockage. You may also sound this way because you unconsciously close off your own nasal passages. The following exercises help you eliminate your clogged-up sounds. Repeat each one of the following sounds five times in succession, so that it sounds like you are saying one word (mamamamama, for instance). Do this with each of these separate nasal sounds and repeat five times.

mamamamama
mo ma mu me
nananananana
no na nu ne
ung ung ung ung ung
lung hung sung rung

Whining No More

According to a Gallup Poll, 70 percent find whining annoying; it rates as one of the top five annoying talking habits.
With the exception of those who have a physical abnormality such as a cleft palate or a neurological condition, most of the nasal tones you hear are due to people not opening their jaws wide enough when they speak. In essence, they tend to clench their jaws, which makes them talk through their nose instead of through their
mouth.
If you sound nasal, never clench your jaws and never allow your back teeth to touch when you speak. I suggest that you pretend there is an imaginary dime holding your back teeth open when you speak. This technique will immediately reduce or completely eliminate your offensive tone.
The following technique is very helpful in getting your jaw and tongue muscles accustomed to opening wider when you speak.
Open your mouth as wide as you can while making a chewing motion. While chewing with your back teeth never touching, repeat the following sounds.
• Yah yah yah yah yah
• Yo yo yo yo yo
• Yu yu yu yu yu
• Ye ye ye ye ye
• yoo yoo yoo yoo yoo

Stop Putting Me to Sleep with Your Boring Voice!

There is nothing more disturbing than to be excited about something you have done, share it with another person, and have that person drone on in a boring monotonous tone how happy she is for you. It feels as though she took the wind out of your sails. She has completely turned you off.
In fact, a Gallup Poll revealed that close to 75 percent of individuals are turned off by people who have no life in their voices. People who speak in a dead voice are emotionally dead. They are not in touch with their emotions, often because they suffered some emotional trauma, repression, or early childhood conditioning.
Therefore, if you have a monotone voice I strongly recommend that you consult with a psychologist who can help you uncover and deal with underlying emotional issues.
Physical exercises can also help you reduce your monotonous drone. Make an “ah” sound as you express the following ten emotions, while you think back to an event in your life where you experienced these emotions:
• sadness
• surprise
• anger
• happiness
• fear
• disgust
• sympathy
• love
• doubt
• boredom
All of you “ah” sounds should sound different, some inflecting upward (for example, surprise, doubt, and happiness) and others inflecting downward (disgust, love, and sympathy). Singing also helps you develop your muscles so that your tones move up and down more readily.

Stop Turning Me Off!

Besides the sound of your voice, your arsenal must include knowledge of the other major speaking turn-offs discussed later in this chapter. They are monotonous, boring speech, a nasally whine, a too-loud voice, talking too fast, and mispronouncing words. You will also learn how to avoid undesirable and unattractive habits when you are speaking or listening. In this section, I address these issues and show you how to rectify any problems you might have in these areas.

I Can't Hear You!

According to a Gallup Poll I commissioned to determine the most annoying speech habits, nearly 75 percent of respondents stated that they were frustrated by a voice that is too soft or can't be heard. In order to project your voice so that you can be heard, you must use your abdominal muscles to anchor your tones. Therefore, when you speak you must put pressure on your larger and stronger abdominal muscles, not on your smaller and weaker throat muscles.
A good exercise for using these larger muscles is to place your hand on your abdomen while repeating “yes, yes, yes” three times. You should feel a slight pressure on your abdomen as it moves downward when you speak. In order to project your voice, you need to bear down on your abdominal muscles as you speak. This increases the volume of your voice so that you can be heard.

Yawning—Opening Up the Throat for a Smooth Voice

To have a rich and resonant voice, it is essential to open the back of your throat as though you were yawning.
Try this as you sip in a breath of air. Hold the air for two seconds, open up the back muscles of your throat, and slowly and gently say the ha sound for as long as you can. This exercise is also very helpful for those who have rough and gravely voices or who suffer from vocal nodes, because it encourages the voice to flow smoothly through the exhaled air stream.
This exercise can also help to soften a harsh voice.

Speak—Don't Squeak!

If you wish to lower the pitch of your voice, take a small sip of air through your mouth, hold it, bear down on your stomach muscles, like you are going to the bathroom, and speak. You will be surprised at how much lower the pitch of your voice will sound.
Over 60 percent of Gallup Poll respondents found a high-pitched voice to be one of the most annoying speech habits. To ensure a clearer, richer, deeper, and confident sounding voice, bear down on your abdominal muscles while opening up the back of your throat muscles while you speak. You'll learn this next.

Your Most Overlooked Organ—Your Voice Box.

Most of us hardly ever think about our voice box, unless we read about a major singer who can no longer sing or speak because she has injured hers.
Your voice box consists of a little muscle the size of an adult thumbnail. It looks like an inverted V, covered with a layer called a mucous membrane.
The V shape is formed by two separate muscles located side by side and facing one another. They open and close, depending on whether you are talking. When you listen and are silent, this V is supposed to be open; it is connected to a tube, the esophagus, which branches out and connects to the lungs. When the V is open you can inhale and exhale. If the V is closed when you are silent, you will most likely turn blue, pass out, or even die.
When you talk, you speak on the air when you are exhaling. You cannot speak when you are inhaling. The V closes and the muscle vibrates. That is how you make audible tones. The muscles come together and touch in the middle of the V in order to create pleasant and clear speech.
If you use your voice improperly by overly pushing on this muscle when you speak, you produce a hoarse sound. If the muscle swells—for example, when you have a cold—you also sound hoarse, as the two sides of the muscle have trouble coming together and vibrating. If you push these muscles too hard over a long period of time or you put too much pressure on the top part of the muscle when you speak, you will also sound hoarse or raspy. This is cause by two calluses, or nodes, that grow on the top of the muscle. When an actor or singer overstrains her muscle continuously, she develops these nodes and has difficulty singing and speaking.
Non-actors and non-speakers who talk a lot also develop this problem. Even children develop these nodes if they scream and yell a lot.
Additionally, if one of the vocal cords is paralyzed due to trauma or stroke, the voice may sound very breathy, and it may be difficult to make oneself understood. If you apply constant pressure to your voice box by speaking on the lower end of the V, you may develop what is known as contact ulcers.
A speech therapist or speech pathologist who specializes in voice therapy can usually help you. Before you engage in speech therapy, you must ask the therapist if her specialty is voice therapy and how many voice cases she has seen over the past year. If she has seen fewer than 50 cases throughout the year, or does not have a master’s or Ph.D. in speech pathology or speech and hearing sciences, and is not licensed by the state, don’t see her!
If therapy doesn’t help, you may need surgery to remove these growths on your vocal cords and additional voice therapy to learn how to properly use your voice so growths don’t appear again. Coming up, you learn how to care for your voice and how to use it properly, so that you don’t have any problems.
The following list gives some rules to follow so you don’t damage your voice. The next section of this chapter helps you remedy any speech and voice problems you might have.
Rules for Vocal Health:
• No smoking
• No drugs (except prescription)
• No alcohol
• Don’t sleep with your mouth open
• Don’t yell or scream
• Don’t talk over loud noise
• Don’t clear your throat
• Don’t talk too loud
• Don’t talk too much
• Limit consumption of dairy products
• Use throat lozenges whenever needed
• Drink lots of water
• Avoid spicy foods

Vocal Defense

As we noted earlier, Galen, the ancient Greek philosopher, once said that it is the voice, not the eyes, that is the mirror to the soul. When you have an appealing sound to your voice, the whole world opens up to you. Thus your voice is one of your greatest weapons in the art of verbal self defense.
Unfortunately, many people do not possess pleasant sounding voices. In fact, most voices are rather annoying.
Studies have determined that if we listen to annoying voices over a period of time, we either become irritable and agitated or we tune out what is being said. This obviously puts you at a disadvantage if you plan to verbally defend yourself with a voice that sounds too soft, too harsh, too loud, too high, or too boring.
This section gives you techniques to effectively remedy these vocal ailments. Before you set forth to improve any vocal problems, however, you must be conscious of factors that might harm your voice. Following is a list of pointers that can contribute to a healthy voice box and a strong and confident sounding voice.

Marrying Your Breathing with Your Talking

To speak properly and have good vocal tones, you must sip in air through your mouth (not your nose, since you breathe through your nose only when you are listening), hold it for a second or so, and then speak on the exhalation. It is essential to flow out your tones. To coordinate your breathing with your talking, you must follow the principles of the Relaxation Breathing Technique. However, instead of exhaling air, exhale while saying the ha sound for as long as you can.

Listening Through Breathing

Because your mind is clearer after doing this breathing technique, it allows you to focus on sight and sounds around you. The next time you are listening to someone speak, take a small (not obvious) sip of air for two seconds. As you sip in the air, sip in the word they are saying. As you hold your breath for three seconds, allow what they said to resonate as you digest and clearly process what they said. As you slowly let the air out of your mouth, you'll become more focused than ever before on what they said. The more you practice this technique, the better your listening skills will become.

Mind-Clearing Breaths

One of the principles in the martial art of Aikido is called mushi, a clearing of the mind.
Aikido trains martial artists to gain control mentally over their opponent by clearing their mind of anger. It allows them to clearly assess the situation and the dangers involved and react accordingly. In fact, breath control has been used by ancient yogis as a key to inner peace and tranquility, helping them clear their minds of any negative thought, and allowing them to achieve a higher level of consciousness.

The Relaxation Breathing Technique is essential in clearing the mind and getting rid of anger or “toxic thoughts.” What happens when we get nervous or anxious or think about all the people and situations that have made us miserable? We keep taking in shallow little breaths of air that we don’t release as frequently as we do when we are not tense. This leads to a build-up of carbon dioxide, which increases anxiety, often producing headaches and light-headedness.

The Relaxation Breathing Technique can be used to clear and focus the mind. Even if only for a few moments, it allows you to have a sort of “mental vacation.” Using the principles of the Relaxation Breathing Technique, you will notice that your entire world stops for the three seconds that you hold your breath. It seems as though you are suspended in time and space, which in essence breaks your thought cycle. After doing this exercise for a series of ten times, you will find, as many of my clients have found, that you feel refreshed, re-energized, and clear-headed.

Relaxation Breathing: In—Hold—Out Control!

The Relaxation Breathing Technique is the backbone for all other breathing techniques.
These are the three basic steps for relaxation breathing:

1. Through your mouth only, sip in air for two seconds.
2. Next, hold the breath of air for three seconds without breathing.
3. Finally, exhale the breath of air through your mouth slowly and deliberately for five seconds.

While doing this exercise, you must never move your upper chest when inhaling, and your shoulders must be down, not raised or hunched. All of the movement—the sipping in of air, the holding of the air, and the release of air through exhalation—must take place in the abdominal region. Why?

The abdominal area is where we use our muscles to breathe naturally. In fact, if you observe a dog, cat, or small child, you will clearly see that their abdominal area goes in and out as they breathe. A popular but erroneous idea, passed down from singing teacher to singing teacher, is that breathing takes place in our diaphragm. This is not so. The diaphragm is a thin tissue under the lungs that separates the lungs from the stomach and intestines. Whenever you hear someone tell you that you need to breathe from your diaphragm, you will now know that they really mean the abdominal region.

How to Do Defensive Breathing?

Did you ever wonder how the world’s greatest singers such as Barbra Streisand or Luciano Pavarotti are able to hold those powerful tones for such a long time and still continue to sing so effortlessly? Did you ever watch a pregnant woman use the Lamaze Technique, using her controlled and repeated forceful mouth breathing to cope with the pain of childbirth? Have you ever heard the loud gut-level grunt when a professional tennis player serves a ball or a weight lifter lifts the barbell over his head?
Have you ever become completely mesmerized by a professional speaker, unaware that her melodic and effortlessly flowing tones were responsible for your added interest in what she was saying? How they breathe allows the professional singer to hold that note, the mother to deliver the baby, the athlete to hit the ball or lift the weight, and the speaker’s information to glide smoothly into your ears.
Most of us take our breathing for granted. We just know that without it we are dead. It is during times of extreme excitement or stress, however, that we become conscious of how we breathe.
When we are nervous—or, more commonly, when we don’t know how to breathe properly—several things can happen.

1. Our inability to focus and think calmly is impaired.
2. We begin to gasp for air because we have difficulty catching our breath as we speak, causing our opponent to perceive us as uncontrolled and desperate.
3. Without proper breath control, our voice sounds shaky and tremulous, giving our adversaries ammunition to perceive us as nervous, tentative, or unsure.
4. Finally, improper breath control can maintain or escalate increased heart rate and blood flow, which can affect the overall status of your health.

The following section on breathing will show you how to breathe to calm down and gain control of your inner being, your listening, and your talking.
If you don’t breathe properly the following things may happen:
• You may have trouble focusing and concentrating.
• You may be perceived as sounding desperate.
• You may be perceived as sounding nervous or tentative.
• Your heart rate may increase, thereby placing you in a more agitated state.

Gaining the Verbal Advantage

You’re at a party. You spot a gorgeous woman or man at the other end of the room. With every ounce of courage you can muster, you coolly saunter over and flash your radiant smile. Your heart beats wildly, your head pounding like an African drum. You confidently stick out your hand and introduce yourself. The person reciprocates with a handshake and an introduction, saying “Hi, I’m ___.” The moment you hear “Hi, I’m ___,” you don’t care who they are. You don’t want to know. Your ears are deafened by a high-pitched, sickening tone that shocks you right back into reality, with your pulse rate returning to normal.
The way a person sounds says it all. Research in psycho-social perception shows that people judge you more by the way you speak than by the way you look. In fact, people who sound good are judged to be more intelligent, sexually exciting, and successful, and less likely to commit a crime than their poor-sounding counterparts.
Those who have poor speaking voices are perceived as weak, defenseless, less intelligent, and more victim-like than those who don’t have this voice.
Research in criminal justice indicates that if one walks like a victim, one is more likely to be victimized. The same holds true for talking. If one sounds like a victim, one is more likely to be victimized in one’s personal and social life. To verbally defend yourself and have the maximum effect on your verbally abusive opponent, you have to speak in confident and audible tones.
To speak in confident powerful tones to convey your points effectively, you must use your speaking mechanism properly. This mechanism consists of breathing, voice-producing, and speech and pronunciation mechanisms. This chapter will show you how to use these mechanisms to converse with others effectively. You will then learn how to incorporate your new-found speaking skills into confident conversation. Finally, you will learn how to start, maintain, and end a conversation with grace and aplomb.

Slipping Up or Messing Up? It All Adds Up and You End Up…!

You should always be conscious of how you come across. You can't slip up on the little things or you will certainly mess up everything. Mindfulness is the key. You need to maintain a constant vigil in terms of what you are doing.
Everything adds up if you want to have the physical advantage over your opponent. You need to have every component of your physical being working in your favor. Not even one part can be missing. You always need to be conscious of how you stand, sit, walk, hold your head, look at people, shake their hands, and how you touch or even kiss them. If you ignore any of these components, you are giving your opponent more of an upper hand in the war of the words.
Step away from yourself consistently and pretend that you are observing yourself outside of your body or from above. You can even imagine that there is an angel hovering over you, watching every move you make. Doing this visualization will make you more conscious of your behavior and comportment and its effect upon others.

How to kiss and to be kissed properly?

In this age of sexual harassment suits, you should think twice about whom you kiss hello or goodbye. Like the cupped handshake mentioned earlier in this chapter, a kiss—especially a final kiss after a wonderful interaction—cements a bond and expresses what a special interaction it was. In film, television, or other parts of the entertainment business, kissing or hugging someone hello or goodbye is the norm. With so many fragile egos and insecurities, and sad feelings due to constant rejection, hugging and kissing help show biz people feel good about themselves and closer to the person they are hugging and or kissing.
Many people outside the entertainment industry, however, don’t know how to kiss or don’t feel comfortable kissing others as a hello or good-by greeting. These kisses are not as serious as sticking your tongue down a person’s throat. But they’re more than a boring flat-lipped light touch of the cheek or the phony socialite “air kiss.” This is not kissing. A kiss is when you pucker up and actually place your lips on a person’s cheek or lips, create suction, and then release the suction a few seconds later. It may seem ridiculous that I am teaching you
It’s very hard not to let down your guard toward an adversary who comes up to you and kisses you. You might even end up liking them. Try doing this after a tense conversation or a heated discussion. Give them a buss on the cheek or a hug, and watch what happens as their tense body and angry face relax.
This is an excellent and very powerful technique to use in the following situations:
• You know someone dislikes you for no good reason that you can think of.
• They’re jealous of you.
• You have just been in an adversarial conversation or heated discussion.
You can’t help but smile afterwards as you see how love and your positive attitude can diffuse the most negative energy. That is power! That power contributes to your self-esteem, which in turn translates into self confidence.

Charming, Disarming Smile

We have all heard the expression “a smile speaks a thousand words.” It’s true. A smile can often disarm the most verbally belligerent person. Don’t be afraid to be the first to smile at the other person. And don’t be put off if they don’t return your smile. Many people are so self-consumed or preoccupied that they will not notice you or your smile.
Don’t be reactive to others, just smile sincerely. If you think of all the wonderful things in your life, the people who really love you and the people whom you really love, you will always have a true and radiant smile; your eyes will sparkle.
Oftentimes you can use a smile to defuse a verbal zinger that you will have to retort. Somehow, a smile makes what you are saying a lot less biting and stinging, but also more memorable.
The incongruity of your unpleasant, but strong, words and your soft and pleasant facial expression might throw your opponent off balance.

Look Straight to the Eye

Remember how when you were growing up, you were told that you should look into a person’s eyes when you talk to him? You were told that only honest people can look you in the eye.
This is nonsense. In reality, research has shown that people who constantly look you in the eye without breaking their gaze might not be very honest at all; in fact, they might be lying to you.
You don’t need to gaze directly into a person’s eyes when you speak to her (unless of course you are in love with her). Doing so can be disconcerting and might indicate that you are taking a hostile or adversarial position against the person.
What you need is not just eye contact but “face contact.” If you don’t look at the person’s entire face along with specific components of the face, how are you going to read all the facial cues of your verbal adversary or potentially toxic opponent?
In order to give someone the impression that she has your undivided attention, follow these steps religiously:

1. Look at the person’s entire face for approximately two seconds.
2. Next, look at the person’s eyes for approximately two seconds.
3. Switch your gaze over to her nose and look at it for two seconds.
4. Now look at the person’s mouth for two seconds.
5. Go back to step 1 and look at the person’s entire face for approximately two seconds, continuing on to steps 2 to 4.

You need to repeat these steps for as long as you are speaking and listening to the person in front of you.
People will not think you look weird as they notice you looking at their eyes, then their nose, mouth, and entire face. They won’t even notice what you are doing. First, it’s only a two-second glance on each of the facial components. Second, the distance from their eyes to their nose to their lips is minimal. It’s not a huge football field you are looking at; it’s a person’s little face.
Most likely, in fact, people will perceive you as being really interested in them and in what they are saying.
This technique also tends to soften your gaze, which makes you appear more approachable, more compassionate, and less intense.

How to Touch Other Person?

Ashley Montagu and other researchers and scholars have found that we humans need to be touched to adequately survive in the world. In light of sexual harassment suits these days, however, people must be careful about whom they touch, how they touch, and where they touch someone. A seemingly innocent touch may land you in a courtroom. Sexual harassment suits aside, touching another person is a positive gesture—it shows
others that you have bonded or connected with them.
Although some people (most likely those who suffer from some type of psychological disturbance) shun being touched and touching others, research shows that most people enjoy touching and being touched, and they react better to those who touch them than to those who don’t.
Touching can break down barriers between people, especially if tension exists. Here are some rules to follow when touching someone.

1. Never touch anyone who appears by his facial and body language cues not to welcome your touch.
2. Pay attention to how often you touch someone. Touching a person too much is as disturbing to that person as not touching at all. Once again, monitor facial expressions to determine if your touching is becoming annoying to the other person.
3. In business situations, touch people only at the level of the shoulders—never below the shoulders or lower back.
4. In social or personal situations, feel free to touch a person’s face, arms, waist, and wherever else you both agree is acceptable.

How to Shake Hands?

You can tell a great deal about people by how they shake your hand. In addition, your handshake can reveal your true feelings about the other person. The looser and less firm your handshake, the more you will be perceived as weak, timid, or tentative. All too many men, especially large men, use a soft and wimpy handshake in an attempt to minimize themselves and not appear so threatening. The other extreme, a handshake that is too strong or tight, might express the attempt to dominate in the interaction and compete for control.
On the other hand (no pun intended), a firm handshake, lasting about three seconds, indicates self-confidence, especially when you meet a person for the very first time. In order to shake hands with self-assurance, follow these steps:

1. Be the first one to extend your hand. Do so enthusiastically.
2. Clasp the others person's palm firmly with your palm so that both of your palms are touching one another.
3. Look directly at the person's face using the “face contact” approach discussed later in this chapter.
4. Give their hand about three firm shakes.
5. Then release your grip.

If you really like the person, especially after you meet and get to know one another, you can convey positive feelings toward the other person by using the “cupping shake.” For this handshake, cup the other person's hand in both your hands, while placing your left hand over your right hand.

Hands Up!

To maintain some control over your gestures, be conscious of your gesturing, and do so only to emphasize key points or ideas. In doing this, it is important to make definite and deliberate hand movements. When you speak, keep your hands in your lap or relaxed at your sides, with your fingers relaxed. Doing this tends to relax the rest of your body.
Of course, this doesn't mean you should sit totally motionless. But the motions you do use should be relaxed.
When you use both your hands and arms in a more fluid and open fashion, you are perceived as being warmer and more approachable.
If you notice that you are using your hands too frequently when you speak, try to be mindful and stop or reduce your hand movements. Being conscious of doing something to excess can often help you modify that behavior.
If you still don't know what to do with your hands, adopt the hand posture of the royals, who tend to keep their hands clasped in back of them when they stand or walk. Doing this often suggests to others a sense of security, control, and self-assuredness.

Up in Arms!

Your arms should hang at your sides in a relaxed fashion. Although arm and hand gestures are essential for helping you emphasize thoughts or ideas, too much movement can be distracting: arms flapping like a chicken's wings and fidgeting with your hands and fingers tend to diminish your total image. People perceive you according to the way you comport yourself. Thus, if you move your arms excessively and this isn't typical for your culture, you may be perceived as being anxious, uncomfortable, or even angry or out of control.

Uptight? Lighten Up!

A rigid body posture signifies that a person is uptight, frightened, uncomfortable, nervous, or inflexible. Under certain circumstances, individuals need to be inflexible and follow a rigid code of behavior. But while the order “head up, shoulders back, chest out” works well if you are in the military, it doesn't work in real-life circumstances.
Even when you stand up straight with your shoulders back, you need to maintain a relaxed demeanor. The following shoulder roll exercise is designed to help you release tension in your shoulder region and arms.

1. First, rotate the right shoulder forward, and keep it in that position for approximately three seconds.
2. Keeping your right shoulder in that position, rotate the left shoulder forward for three seconds.
3. Now that both of your shoulders are forward, keep them in this position for about three seconds. Feel the muscles stretch as you maintain this position. It should feel good.
4. Next, rotate the left shoulder back and keep it in that position for three seconds.
5. Likewise, rotate the right shoulder back, keeping it in that position for three seconds.
6. Now that both shoulders are back, leave them there for three seconds, all the while feeling the stretch. This too, should feel good.
7. Rotate both shoulders forward and both shoulders backwards. Try not to rotate them too far back, and relax them.

Now your shoulders are in the proper position to help you maintain a good posture.

Sit Up!

Just as it is important to stand properly, it is equally important to sit in a way that exudes self-confidence. The
way you sit in a chair speaks volumes about you, whether you realize it or not. Here are the steps you should
follow to make sure this happens.

1. Stand directly in front of your chair.
2. Let your calves touch the seat of the chair.
3. Bend over, placing your buttocks all the way back in the chair.
4. Sit and lean your back against the back of the chair. By placing your buttocks all the way back in the chair first, your spine will straighten out automatically as it rests against the back of the chair. Doing this also prevents you from slouching.
5. Roll your shoulders back and relax your arms, either resting them on the arms of the chair or placing your hands in your lap.
6. Keep your head up. Visualize a string holding up the crown of your head, just as you did while you were standing. Once again, this keeps your eyes focused at the eye level of the person opposite you.
7. If you feel yourself retreating to your old slouching ways, just remember to push your buttocks all the way

back in the chair. Lean against the back of the chair and remember to keep the crown of your head

Walk Up!

The way you walk is a vital component of the way you comport yourself. Some have angry, aggressive that scream “Here I am” or “Get out of my way.” Others walk in a way that says “Just ignore me” or “I'm not important.” Some people have a happy bounce, skip, or gallop in their gait, while others seem to shuffle, waddle, and drag themselves along. The only walk that screams “C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-C-E” consists of the following steps.

1. Begin with an erect posture, head up, shoulders back, and spine straight.
2. Place one foot directly in front of the other at a comfortable distance so that you have a smooth and even stride. Even though this may seem obvious and elementary to you, you would be surprised at how many people don't do this and end up waddling, shuffling, or slinking along.
3. Walk at an even and steady pace—not too fast and not too slowly.
4. Finally, let your arms move freely and swing naturally as you walk.

Heads Up!

Part of attaining a confident posture requires the correct positioning of the head and neck. Pretend that there is a cord or rope softly pulling up the crown of your head. This will automatically allow your eyes to be positioned properly as you gaze at another person at “eye level.” It prevents you from protruding your jaw or sticking your neck out. Most of all, it keeps you from bowing your head or from looking down when speaking to someone.