Hand-Holding Fighting Strategy

This strategy, which I personally devised for my clients, is one of the best techniques to be used in relationship therapy. It's obvious that the couple loves one another, but they keep fighting and bickering over stupid and ridiculous things. They end up saying mean and ugly things to one another that devastate both of them. As you learned earlier in the blog, words stick—especially ugly words! So, I tell the couple, as difficult as it may seem, as soon as they start this stupid bickering, one has to immediately grab the other's hand and hold it and continue to bicker.
They usually start laughing and stop fighting, becoming softer and more affectionate with one another. As they continue to hold hands, each one often starts to communicate his or her side of the issue in a calm and loving manner, so that each mate is able to really hear what the other has to say.
It's a very powerful tool for effective communication between couples as well as friends.
By the way, the one who takes the other's hand first is the one who has the control over the situation.

Let the Baby Have Her Bottle Strategy

Speaking of babies, remember when you were a child and another child would cry or get upset when you played with his her toy? Oftentimes, to save face and rationalize your little feelings (which were actually big feelings at the time), you retorted with “Okay, let the baby have her bottle.” The little perpetrator was usually taken aback by your comment. She didn't want to be referred to by that evil four-letter word, B-A-B-Y, so she often relinquished the toy to you or shared it with you. Little has changed since your youth. Oftentimes, when you yield to your verbal opponent, she becomes powerless and you gain back the control.
If you counter what the verbal abuser says by agreeing with her, she has nowhere to go. She is taken offbalance and loses her verbal footing. She has no idea where you are coming from and no idea of what to say next. Obviously, she can't fight with herself, so she is silent. This quashes her verbal venom.

Hush Hush Strategy.

This technique is similar to the preceding one, except that you substitute the term “hush hush” for the person's name. It's virtually the same technique that you would use with a crying baby in softly telling her to hush as you hold her. Your steady calming tone as the air produces the “hush” sound elicits calmness.
This is an excellent technique to use when a person won't shut up. If you keep repeating “hush hush” in a calm and steady voice, on a continuous basis, he or she will eventually stop yelling and carrying on. In essence, these people are like big babies who need their mommy or daddy to comfort them.

Gentle-Toned Name Repetition

In his bible of the times, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie mentions that the sound of a person’s name is the sweetest music to her ears. Why? It’s the same as what was said earlier in this blog— people love to talk about their favorite subject, themselves. Softly saying people’s names over and over in a loving tone certainly gets their attention, especially if they are in a rage. It helps to calm them down. Your control over the situation allows them to get in control of themselves. It disarms them. They can’t help but stop and listen. Instead of being seen as the verbal battering ram, you become a warm, soft verbal cushion, making yourself “user-friendly” to them. By the way, this is a standard technique mental health care professionals use in their attempts to gain some control with autistic children.

Love ‘Em Up Strategy

“A pat on the back is just a few vertebrae from a kick in the pants.”
Anyone who has to resort to spitting out verbal venom usually lacks the basic element for survival—love.
Those who lack enough love and support from others usually become insecure, jealous, and angry, and they don’t really feel good about themselves. Deep down, they really want to reach out but can’t, so they go the other direction and act hateful and spiteful. This behavior is, of course, due to their inner rage of not feeling loved enough.
If you look at them in this vein, you won’t have as many bad feelings towards them. They really need to be pitied more than hated. They need more compassion than aggression.
Therefore, instead of being angry at them you actually need to diffuse their anger with love and kindness. This is a Herculean task for anyone who has been verbally shot, maimed, and blown to bits. If you find you just can’t do it, not to worry. This is just one tool of many in your arsenal of verbal defense weapons.
If you think of the common phrase “kill them with kindness,” you might feel a lot better about employing this strategy more often.
Below are six sub-strategies of the Love ‘Em Up Strategy for verbal defense. Try them! They are actually fun to do and very empowering.

“The Joke’s on You”—Funny Bone Strategy

Another sure-fire way to throw your verbal enemy off-kilter is to make fun of either him or yourself. Sometimes it’s difficult for you to come up with something funny, especially after the other person says something that almost leaves you crying, not laughing. Once again, take that lifesaving sip of air in through your mouth for two seconds. Hold it for two seconds, and then start rolling with some humor. The four seconds buys you some time to think of a joke.
It’s best to make a joke related to something negative the person said to you. By retorting in a positive and humorous vein, you gain the upper hand and control over the situation. On the other hand, you can add insult to insult. This will definitely throw him for a loop! He may think he “gotcha” with his zing when in reality, you “gotcha” self with an even better zing!
The key here is to say something even more outrageous than he did. Another humorous technique is to fight fire with fire. He zinged you—zing him back! He says you need to lose weight; you say he does too. Chances are, this insensitive clod isn’t exactly Baywatch material either, right?
Tell him that. Now his big mouth must weigh a ton.
Using this strategy, it doesn’t matter what you say, as long as you say something that’s funny to you.
Later on in the book you learn how to use some snappy comebacks that apply to specific verbally noxious people in specific situations.

The Naked Truth Strategy

Because it is such a rarity in this day and age, direct, bold honesty can blow someone out of the water! When someone makes a nasty and hurtful comment to you, you have the option to tell her the “naked truth.” If you decide to use this strategy, you will definitely have thrown her off balance. No way was she expecting to hear how repulsive you think she was being when she said what she said to you.
Most likely, she will be intimidated by your direct honesty as you deliver the message to her in a projected and well-modulated tone, with an upright, heads-up posture. This is a perfect situation to illustrate how your daily verbal workouts can assist you in each of the strategies you choose to use. Incorporating good posture, direct facial contact, and a sonorous voice—techniques you learned about earlier in this blog—are essential if you want to be effective in getting your verbal message across to verbal abusers.
The Naked Truth Strategy often prevents verbal bombs from being hurled at you in the future. Your verbal adversary usually gains a newfound respect for you, because you have let her know in no uncertain terms that you are on to her verbal games and you will tolerate none of them. In essence, your self-respect—speaking up for yourself—made the verbal enemy have more respect for you as nwell.

Calm, Calculating, Questioning Strategy—Like Columbo

Remember the popular television series Columbo? Detective Columbo would calmly ask invasive questions in such a matter-of-fact, unassuming way that the criminal would unsuspectingly cooperate and answer his seemingly benign—but really quite calculated—questions. Then, of course, Columbo was able to solve the crime and save the day.
Just as Columbo caught his criminal by throwing him or her off balance, you too can use the same approach to throw your verbal opponent off balance.
If you use this technique, you must use a non-hostile, non-angry, unassuming tone. You will have more successful results if you take the following advice.
The purpose of this strategy is to ask someone a series of questions that require either a yes or no answer in a logical progression. It’s kind of like a courtroom lawyer who attempts to make an important point by having his witness respond to a succession of questions. In your case, however, you aren’t hostile.
In questioning, you have to begin by asking the most absurd question, which is guaranteed to elicit a no answer. Then keep going, asking less and less bizarre and over-the-top questions until the person gets the point.
Eventually, he is put in a corner and is forced to see how wrong he is. The “Talk Back!” section gives a clear example of what I’m talking about. The ignorant man who made a generalized racial slur did a complete turnaround in his thinking as a result of this strategy.

Let It Go—Breathe and Blow Strategy

When doing this strategy you must remember the importance of never ever allowing any of this verbal venom to fester inside of you and poison your psyche. Venomous words are like glue— they stick. They will always stick to you unless you are able to release them mentally and physically.
Therefore, the next strategy is designed to give you complete control over your emotions. This strategy underlies all of the other strategies presented in this chapter.
When someone aggravates, your adrenaline begins to flow. Your heart beats faster, your head begins to throb, your face reddens, and your eyes bulge out as you hold your breath. Because you are so shocked, you in essence forget to breathe. In this case, I’m not talking about strategies where you consciously hold your breath in order to achieve a specified effect. I’m talking about uncontrolled cessation of breathing. Here is how you can effectively use the Breathe and Blow strategy to oxygenate yourself.

1. Take a small breath—a two-second sip of air into your mouth.
2. Next, think of your verbal adversary. Recall all the awful things he said to you. Hear his voice spewing forth poisons. Do your recalling in the three-second period where you will be consciously holding on to your breath. In this case, you are in complete control of your breathing because you are fully conscious of what you are doing.
3. As you keep this “verbal violator” in your mind, blow him out through your mouth, exhaling with all your strength.
4. Keep blowing out this breath until you have completely run out of air.
5. Now stop for two seconds and do not breathe.
6. Repeat this exercise a second time. As you literally blow what he said out of your mind, you are ejecting this person from your system.
7. Repeat this procedure once more as you continue to blow out all of the toxic negativity and ill feelings the person’s words have brought you.
8. Now stop and take a big breath in through your mouth, filling up your lungs and exhaling normally. While using this strategy, you may feel a bit light-headed. Not to worry—this is quite normal.

The Look of Disgust Strategy

The Look of Disgust Strategy is very much like the Silent, Expressionless, Blank Stare Strategy. Instead of having no expression on your face, however, you have an expression of disgust. This technique is especially disconcerting to your opponent because he was not expecting this—someone scowling at him in disgust, staring at him, and saying nothing.
Now he is really thrown off balance. He might start to furrow his forehead and knit his brows together, tightening up his jaw as he says, in a defensive tone, “What’s the matter?” or “Why are you looking at me like that?” If he is really uncomfortable, you might hear those infamous four words, “I was only kidding.” There is no way he was “just kidding.” You know it and he knows it. And now he knows that he can’t speak to you the way he did. Your facial expression speaks volumes.
To make the Look of Disgust:
1. Raise your upper lip.
2. Wrinkle your nose.
3. Open your mouth.
4. Raise your chin.
5. Squint your eyes.

This is a universal expression. People from every culture use this facial expression to reflect the emotion of

Silent, Expressionless, Blank Stare

The silent, expressionless, blank stare occurs when you immediately stop everything you are doing and freeze as you blankly stare down your opponent. This often throws your verbal adversary so off balance that he doesn’t know what to do.
In this case, silence is truly golden. You most likely grew up with this technique being done to you. As a child, all your mother or father needed to do was to give you that “look,” or rather, “non-look.” First came the expressionless stare, followed by silence, followed by a furrowed brow and then, the verbal reprimand. After some time and many blank stares, it got to the point where all your parents had to do was to give you that look and you immediately knew you had to behave. Teachers often use this technique to get their students to be quiet and to pay attention.
It’s most disconcerting to see a face that is usually full of expression and life turn mask-like. It’s so disconcerting to be shocked by this out-of-context facial non-expression, that you tend to stop whatever you are doing, just to make sure your eyes are not deceiving you.
Now that we have established that this technique definitely works, you need to use it as part of your repertoire in verbal defense. Imagine that someone says something really insulting to you. Here are the steps you need to take to stare him down.

1. Immediately stop whatever you are doing.
2. Take a small breath of air in through your nose. It is important to aid in your silence that you not inhale through your mouth. Because you are not going to be speaking, you don’t need to fill your abdominal area with air. You are not going to be making any rich sonorous tones.
3. Hold the breath. By holding your breath, you are slowing down your heart rate as well as focusing your thoughts, so that you are in total control of the situation.
4. While still holding your breath, relax every one of your facial muscles. Visualize your forehead relaxing, along with your eyelids, nose, cheeks, lips, jaw, and chin. From the top to the bottom of your face, feel your muscles relaxing so much that your face becomes expressionless.
5. Now look in the direction of the verbal perpetrator. Just stare at him. Try not to blink; just stare. Usually after 3 seconds, he will feel so uncomfortable that he will most likely say “What’s wrong?” or “What are you looking at?”—with a small chuckle and an
6. Do not speak! Just keep staring. As soon as he has spoken, you know you have gotten the upper hand in the situation. See how fast the tables have turned. Now it is you who are in control. His attempt to overpower you by his toxic words is nullified. Your facial shield protects you from giving him any satisfaction for trying to annihilate you with his verbal bullets. Now, he is the one squirming, not you.

By the way, as soon as he starts speaking, which he will do in a matter of seconds, you can release your breath so you don’t turn blue and pass out. uncomfortable tight-lipped smile.

The Verbal Artist Has Complete Control!

In order to be in complete control, there are four things you need to remember, no matter what:
1. Enter every situation in the verbal battlefield with an open mind.
2. Observe “what is.”
3. Take a moment to pick your strategy.
4. Go ahead and defend yourself.
In the first step, you, the verbal artist, come into any situation “clean” and weaponless, with no hidden agenda, like the martial artist. You leave your ego at the door. You have no chip on your shoulder. You are just “you”—open, honest, and not offensive in any way. This means that you never initiate an attack, consciously saying anything that is verbally toxic to another person. You, like the martial artist, are calm, open-minded, pleasant, and accepting of everyone who crosses your path.
When using the second step, by simply observing what “is,” you, like the martial artist, are not concerned with the past: you deal only with the present, experiencing the here and now. Therefore, neither you nor the martial artist is burdened by excess baggage.
You both have learned to let go. You have learned not to take a toxic situation from the past into your present time and space. As a result, peacefulness and pleasantness reside in your demeanor, your body language, face, language, verbal tones, and in everything you happen to say to others.
For the third step, while continuing to take control over the situation, make certain that you are in absolute conscious control by controlling your breathing. This technique gives you the split-second timing to reach into your bag of “verbal self-defense strategies” and pick the one appropriate to that particular situation.
Picking the right verbal weapon with which to defend yourself does take a lot of skill. But don’t worry. With a lot of practice, you, just like the black belt in karate, will learn to develop the skill to become a verbal black belt.
The martial arts expert is well-versed in his stances, blocks, and kicks. By having control over the situation, you are equally well-versed in your stance (head and body posture), moves (facial, arm, and hand movements), and kicks (verbal self-defense strategies). The martial artist has physical advantage over his opponent; you now have vocal advantage over your opponent.
Now for the fourth step. When the martial artist decides to kick back, watch out. The results are not pretty.
Neither are they pretty when you decide to “kick back” verbally, as your opponent will definitely get a dose of his own verbal poison. He might even get more than he bargained for. Because he will be completely disarmed, rest assured that he will definitely think twice about attacking you—the verbal black belt—or anyone else, for that matter.

Picking Your Strategy

Now that you know that you have to make a choice, because your life can literally depend on it, you need to know that you are in complete control. You are in control of picking the right strategy to use at the right time with the right verbal enemy. If one strategy doesn’t work, know that you have others from which to choose.
The thing to remember in picking your verbal weapon is that, like the martial artist, you are never initially on the offensive. The black belt in karate keeps her lethal weapons (her hands and feet) under wraps until she must defend herself.
Similarly, you too need to keep your verbal weapons under wraps until the point that you have to verbally defend yourself.

Make a Choice and Make It Now

The soldier has choices, but he has to make those choices in a split second. His choices determine the outcome of his well-being. He can run for his life, he can hide, he can shoot back, or he can use a hand grenade and blow everything to bits. He also has another choice, and that is to do nothing and die in battle.
This scenario would never have happened at all had the leaders of the two opposing sides sat down in an attempt to make peace with one another.
Even though this is a rather harsh analogy, it’s the naked truth! After all, this book is about defending yourself against the enemy—the verbal enemy!
The strategy for verbal self-defense is no different from the one the soldier uses. You, like the soldier, have to make choices—and immediate choices at that! The choices you make determine the outcome of your wellbeing.
You can run for your life and never look back (the Unplug Strategy). You can shoot back (Mirroring Strategy). You can really let the verbal enemy have it, by verbally blowing him or her to bits (Give ‘Em Hell and Yell Technique). Finally, you can do nothing. You can simply remain silent and allow the verbally abusive enemy’s toxins to fester inside you, to the point that it makes you mentally or physically ill. If the verbal abuse takes place over long periods of time, the end result can even kill you!

Keep Your Eyes and Ears Open at All Times

The first thing you need to do when dealing with a toxic situation is get your head out of the sand and face the situation directly. If you don’t do this the only one who is going to get hurt is you.
The first step of any martial arts training is to keep your eyes fixed on your opponent so that you can anticipate any move he or she makes. This way you can block his kick, and take him off balance by leaning back or going forward. The same is true in the verbal arts. You need to keep both your eyes and your ears on the alert at all times.
It’s time to come out of the closet! It’s time to admit to yourself and to everyone else that you are a human being. You are a human being who both requires and deserves respect—respect from others, and most important of all, self-respect.
A self-respecting human being would never allow the earlier scenario to go so far. She would nip it in the bud immediately! When a soldier is engaged in actual battle on the battlefield, does she wait two hours, a week, a month, or a year to deal with the enemy who has just attacked her? Of course not! It goes without saying that she would be dead if she didn’t handle the situation immediately!

Knowing When to Attack Back

It is only when you really know yourself (which you probably do by now) that you become utterly confident and secure that you are doing the right thing. You automatically know when to take matters in your own hands and attack back! You know what your limits are. Nobody else but you does.
In order to feel more comfortable attacking back, think of all the times in your life when you didn’t attack back or respond to your verbal adversary. Think about how you felt immediately afterwards, two hours later, during your sleep (not being able to sleep, or having a bad dream about it), and when you got up the next morning. In the following chart, put an X next to the times of the day when someone said something that bothered you.
Write down as many situations as you can remember, even from childhood, where you took the verbal abuse and didn’t react immediately.

Through the Looking Glass

The best way to practice the Imaginary Conversation Strategy is while you are looking into a mirror. That way, as you talk to yourself, you will be more conscious of your facial expressions, posture, voice, and how other people see you. You might want to put a tape recorder near you as you rehearse the various scenarios while looking in the mirror. It can serve as a barometer to let you know how you come across vocally during certain levels of anger or excitement.
The very best time to practice is in the morning when you are already looking in the mirror to either shave or put on your makeup. Why not take a few extra moments to practice your strategy? You can even do it in your car when you are alone, perhaps while driving to and from work.

Imaginary Conversation Strategy

You need to practice what you are going to say to your verbal adversary. You need to imagine yourself talking to him, playing out every possible scenario in your mind. Then, when it comes time for you to face the real situation, it will be a piece of cake for you. You will have already rehearsed what to say in every possible outcome so that you are no longer nervous when you have to have a face-off on the verbal battleground.
As you talk to yourself, imagine asking out the guy or girl you like.
Imagine them saying “yes.” Then imagine them saying “no.” Finally, imagine them saying “maybe.” Practice what you would say in each of these possible outcomes.
Now, in your mind, ask your boss for a raise. Picture yourself sitting down in the chair in front of his desk. See yourself sitting with the confident sitting posture you learned about in previous chapters. See yourself looking directly at his face as you say, “Mr Brown, I have been with the company for over four years and have brought in thousands of dollars of new business every month. This is why I feel comfortable talking with you about the possibility of raising my salary.”
See yourself, hear yourself, feel yourself going over and over the scenario. Going over it while picturing yourself gives you confidence. Do it over again and again, until you are devoid of stammering and mumbling.
Bear down on exactly what you want to say until it is committed to memory. Practice until saying what you want to say becomes second nature to you. Now again, visualize your reaction if the boss says “yes,” then your reaction and response if he says “no” or “maybe.” By the time you have to actually sit down in front of your boss and ask him for a raise, you will be 150 percent prepared.
Use this strategy to practice telling someone off or confronting someone who has betrayed you. After examining every possible scenario in your mind, you will know exactly what to say and how to say it to your verbal adversary.

Verbally Pumping Up

Just as the boxer, wrestler, and karate champion have to do a standard workout before they get into the arena to defend themselves against their opponents, you have to do the same.
They have a daily physical exercise regimen that requires exercises to stretch and build up the muscles in their upper and lower body. They do this every day to make themselves stronger, more limber, and more confident in their physical abilities.
Similarly, you need to have a daily verbal exercise regimen that prepares you for any verbally venomous opponent you will encounter. You need to work out the physical, verbal, and communication skills. Doing exercises for posture, breathing, voice, jaw, nasality, pronunciation, and communication skills will help you become more verbally limber and more confident in your communication abilities.

A Verbal Weakling No More!

Remember the cartoon where the big buffed-up bully kicks sand in the face of the 90-pound weakling? Then the little guy works out and pumps up. Now he’s the one who kicks the sand kicker’s behind as he’s bigger and nger after a regimen of weight training and diet.
You are in the same position as the little guy. You are going to be trained and fed with the proper verbal utrients—the right words to say to any adversary in any circumstance. This in turn will allow you to pump yurself up and kick some verbal butt!

Entering the Verbal Combat Zone.

You need to be prepared for everything and anything as you learn the art of verbal self-defense. You might not be looking for a fight, an argument, or any problems. For example, you go out to walk your dog, and a perfect stranger walks by and tells you a dead dog story—something you don’t want to hear, especially at 7 A.M. Then you go to the corner to buy a newspaper. As you put out your hand to pay the vendor, someone in line curses you because she says she was there first, even though you know that you were there before she was. Next, you unsuspectingly go to get a cup of cappuccino at an upscale coffee shop on the corner. You are met by a nasty, abrupt, impatient server who looks at you in disgust when you hand him a ten dollar bill and he is forced to make change for you. As you sit down, you see someone sitting alone at the next table. You smile and say good morning, she looks away as though you were invisible.
Your day is filled with meetings, but before it begins your boss is barking out commands devoid of “please” or “thank you,” or, for that matter, any terms of politeness. He shouts only about the few things you did wrong, ignoring the fact that you did everything else right. In fact, you have done things so right that you are still the number one salesperson in the company over the past six months.
As if your day couldn’t get any worse, you finally get to go home and relax, only to discover that you are getting the silent treatment from your spouse for something you must have done. No kiss, no hug, nothing.
Perplexed, you ask “what’s wrong,” only to hear “nothing’s wrong!”
Could things possibly get any worse?
Guess what? You have just entered the verbal combat zone! But there is good news—you need not be a victim anymore! Help has finally arrived! The pages to come will show you how to effectively strategize to defend yourself against these foes. You will never be a verbal victim again.

Never Say You’ll Call If You Don’t Mean It!

I can’t begin to tell you the number of people whom I have seen with broken hearts, people who have literally waited by the phone for that expected call and never received it. Even if they had a phone answering machine, they sacrificed going out somewhere to personally pick up the phone to hear the promiser’s call. So if you don’t intend to call, don’t say you will! If you think that by saying it you’re being polite, you are not! In reality, you are being extremely rude and potentially hurtful! You have even elicited negative feelings in the person whom you promised to call.
In the same vein, don’t say “let’s get together” or agree to get together if you don’t intend to do it. It is usually taken seriously and can elicit negative feelings about you from the people you misled.

Don’t Be a Liar—Follow Up Immediately!

If you said something during the conversation that requires a follow-up, then follow up. Forgetting is no excuse! Write yourself a note and put it in a place where you’ll be sure to see it. Do it! Whether it’s giving someone a business call, placing her in contact with another person, sending him an article, or anything else, act immediately on what you said!

It's Over—I Wanna Go Now

As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango. Just as the person you are talking to might be turned off to you, it goes both ways. The other person may not be all that you bargained for. The main thing is to maintain your dignity and that others maintain theirs. Never be a hypocrite and say that you'll call or get together with them if that is not your real intention. This makes for ill feelings in the long run.
If you never intend to see someone again, just tell him that you enjoyed speaking with him. If you want to move on and talk to someone else, do so, but do it graciously. Say: “I'm glad we had the opportunity to chat.
Would you please excuse me, because I need to speak to someone over there.” If you just want to mingle, tell them: “I'm glad we met. I am going to mingle now” (or “meet some other people”). Always remember, the last thing you say leaves a lasting impression, so be gracious and leave with a firm handshake and a smile.

Talking Ethnic

In order to bond with someone from a different culture, it's best to know what certain words mean before you use them. An American ice skater went on Australian television and said “when I last skated, I fell on my fanny.” To an American that's not funny at all, but to an Australian, it's hysterical! Translated into Australian, she said “when I last skated, I fell on my vagina.” So you have to be careful. To help you, I have come up with a list of some common ethnic words and phrases (many familiar to you) so that you will know what people are talking about when you hear them. If necessary, I list their pronunciation after the term.

Latin Terms Commonly Used in English
• modus operandi (MO)—method of procedure
• modicum of decorum—way of behavior
• per diem (per DEE um) or per annum—by the day or by the year
• in absentia—in one's absence
• status quo—the present state of things
• de facto—in actuality
• ex post facto—after the fact
• pueris enternis—man refusing to grow up
• per se (per SAY)—in itself, intrinsically
• persona non grata—person not welcome

German Terms Commonly Used in English
• wunderkind (VUN der kind)—talented, precocious child
• angst—foreboding or anxiety
• doppleganger—mirror image
• verboten (vayer BOAT tin)—forbidden
• gesundheit (gez ZUNT hite)—to your health (said after one sneezes)
• zeitgeist (ZITE guyst)—spirit of an era
• wanderlust—yearning to travel

Yiddish Terms Commonly Used in English
• mishigas (mish shig Goss)—insanity
• shlep—drag
• mensch—a person who does good by others
• yenta—gossipy person
• chutzpha (HOOTS pah)—a lot of nerve

Bingo! You Got the Lingo!

There is perhaps nothing more embarrassing than trying to relate to someone while using the wrong words or lingo in the wrong context. People will laugh at you, think you are not hip, or think you’re trying too hard to relate.
So what are you supposed to do if you don’t know what a word means? Don’t be embarrassed. If you don’t know, ask “what do you mean by ___?” This way, you add a new word to your vocabulary.
If you can speak a person’s language, you usually have that person on your team, because you can identify with one another and know what the other is really trying to communicate. When I first started doing talk shows I didn’t always understand the language that was spoken. However, as time went on, I have learned how to both speak and understand some of today’s hippest words. I have learned how to talk “street.”
Chillin’ does not mean sticking something in the refrigerator. It means to relax or hang out. Fly doesn’t mean that pesky insect that sits on your hamburgers when you’re picnicking. Instead, it means great looking—sexy. If someone thinks they are all that, they are full of themselves and think they’re fly. Bad means good. Homey does not mean a cozy house, nor do homes mean a group of houses. Derived from the word homeboys, neighborhood gang members, it means buddy or close friend. An even closer friend is a bro, which can also be used as a greeting. “Hey bro wuss happenin’ man” means “Hello, how are you?” When you kick ‘em to the curb, you aren’t literally using your feet to push them over the edge of the pavement. Instead, you are getting rid of someone with whom you haven’t had a happenin’ (good, working) relationship.

Know What You're Talking About!

“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing,” so make sure you know quite a bit about a subject before you spout off. If you're giving someone information, make sure it's the right information. Otherwise keep quiet! There is nothing more annoying than a “know-it-all” who knows nothing.
If you're unfamiliar with a topic, don't be afraid to say so and ask questions of people.
If they are impatient with you or act as thought they think you are stupid for asking, let them know in no uncertain terms that they are out of line. Their intolerance certainly tells you a lot about how toxic they are. So watch out for them! Their actions may have revealed that they are a person from whom you need to keep your distance.

Getting Deeper and Deeper.

Let’s say the conversation is going quite well. You discover more and more about one another. You’re learning about your similarities as well as your differences. If you understand the person and can relate when you talk about specific topics or philosophies, there is a greater chance that this person will feel more favorably towards you—even become part of your life. If you enjoy the same topics and can speak each other’s language (and that doesn’t just mean standard English!), you’re both doing well.

Elaborate—Don’t Interrogate!

In the Elaboration Technique, you ask the person who, what, when, where, and why—questions. Use techniques developed by journalists. Remember to ask your question and then elaborate on the person’s answer by asking another question related to their last answer.
This is a wonderful technique that helps you uncover things you both might share in common. If their answers are curt, if they seem annoyed, bored, or disinterested, ask another question, or cut the conversation short, it’s a hint that they may no longer wish to speak with you. So leave!
Remember to maintain eye-to-eye contact at all times. It gives you a better opportunity to observe a person and react to what you see. In doing so, you will make the person feel important and make yourself aware of their facial and body cues. These invaluable messages will also let you know, in a non-verbal way, that they wish you’d leave, or that they couldn’t bear it if you left. The example in the “Talk Back!” section on the next page clearly illustrates how a compliment about a dress initiates the topic of travel, which results in the two people realizing they have something in common, which is further elaborated on to find another commonalty, and so on and so on.
Studies have shown that the more you have in common with someone, the more likely you are to begin a relationship. Thus, the Elaboration Technique is just the tool you need to discover potential friends.

Ask, Ask, and Keep Asking!

The first rule is to ask questions, but not invasive ones. What I am actually saying is to think before you speak so that you don't put your foot in your mouth and embarrass or insult everyone, including yourself. Instead, try to find some common ground as you continue to ask questions and relate to the person.

Maintaining a Confident Conversation

So many people become mute after they say “hello.” They have succeeded in getting the person to acknowledge them and to make that first contact. Now they freeze, go blank, and stand there like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to do or say and mumbling about something stupid.
If this scenario sounds all too familiar and you’ve been there/done that, help is on the way! The reason you acted like a vegetable is that you began to focus on yourself instead of paying attention to the other person. You were more concerned about things working out right and about being interesting, witty, and clever than you were about what the other person was all about. In essence, you were not interested. You may try to contradict me here by saying “of course I am interested, or I wouldn’t have approached them in the first place.” True, you were interested, but you were interested in you making a good impression. If you shifted your attention away from yourself, you would never have felt so awkward and out of place.

Initiating a Confident Conversation.

Coolness aside, here are some things not to do when initiating a conversation. Otherwise your conversation will
end before it begins.

• Don’t tell lame jokes or a joke where there is a 50 percent chance people won’t like it.
• Don’t excessively fawn over the person.
• Don’t make sarcastic comments or cutting remarks in an attempt to appear cute. There’s nothing cute about being obnoxious.
• Don’t lie to give someone a compliment, and don’t use a standard line they’ve probably heard a thousand times before.

Instead, here are some icebreakers guaranteed to help you initiate conversation.

• Give people a sincere compliment without fawning over them.
• Bring up a current news event (the juicier the better!).
• Speak positively about people whom you both may know.
• Tell people you observed them and thought that they

1. Resemble a friend, relative, or famous person.
2. Look like they are from ____ (This can be whatever you decide. Just don’t say Mars or make a lame comment.)
3. Work out or are in good shape. Ask if they are athletic.

Only a Fool Plays It Cool!

There are those who think they are being cool by acting aloof. Even if they are chomping at the bit or drooling at the mouth and would give almost anything just to meet the person across the room, they don’t. It’s not because they are shy and intimidated, it is because they are trying to act “cool.” This coolness takes the form of not looking at people or returning their glance or smile. It’s looking down or pretending to be very animated in conversation with someone else. It’s designed to let someone know that you are cool—a catch—albeit difficult to catch. Acting cool is quite common among young people in their teens and twenties, but it often continues into adulthood. It’s a power game that establishes who’s going to be in control. Just remember, the people who play this game ultimately lose.
The cool people may lose an opportunity to enhance their professional lives. The person they have snubbed may have been an important conduit towards success in their career.

You Die When You’re Shy!

You both connect with one another, you’ve returned glances and smiles, but what to do you next? You’re paralyzed with fear. You rationalize that you are feeling this way only because you are “a shy person.” Well, if that’s what you want to believe about yourself, you may as well crawl into a hole and live there.
Life is to be lived. Opportunities are to be taken and people are to be met. If you have ever felt like kicking yourself, even years later, for not making that first move and saying something, you are not alone. To make sure this situation never happens again, re-label yourself and remove the word “shyness” from your vocabulary. You have nothing to be shy (insecure) about anymore.
Of course, you have to have something to say, and in the rest of this chapter you’ll learn what to say to break the ice.

Do It Anyway!

Come on—just smile! Even though you don't feel like it, do it anyway! Nine times out of ten, the other person will smile back.
If you're having trouble kick-starting your smile, simply visualize yourself smiling at them and them returning the smile, accepting you, returning your compliments, and engaging you in conversation. Visualize yourself having them as a potential client, employer, employee, friend, lover, or even mate. Now visualize the reverse. See the situation being a disaster, with them paying no attention to you, giving you dirty looks, and walking away from you. Did you die? No, you survived, with all your parts intact. So what's stopping you? What's the worst that can happen? Let's say that the person rejects you. There is nothing bad that can happen, not even bruised ego, because this is also an exercise in seeing reality—the reality that not everyone will be attracted to you nor will you be attracted to them. After your positive and negative visualizations, enter the situation with a clean slate, erasing from your mind every pre-conceived notion about the person and about yourself. Remember to do the Relaxation Breathing Technique before you make your move. Now go for it! Do it! Smile!

Smile All the While

Stop! Look and smile, and keep looking and smiling! That is the best way to meet someone you are attracted to. If someone looks at you, smile back out of respect. If you are not interested, make it a short, curt smile and then look away. This shows that you have politely acknowledged him or her. If you are attracted to the person, no matter who looked at whom first, simply smile a little longer and say hello. If they return your hello, you have a golden opportunity to start talking and to make a new friend. I have met so many people this way, especially in airports, and many of them have turned out to be some of my closest and dearest friends.
Granted, at first it may be very uncomfortable for you to make this behavior part of your life. But with practice it will become a habit, and a pleasant one at that.

Ending the “I Think That You Think That I Think” Game Forever!

For the most part, who cares what people think about you? Even if they don't like you, before even meeting you, they won't have laser beams coming out of their eyes to burn you. Usually, what a stranger thinks about you is irrelevant and none of your business. As long as you like you and feel secure with yourself, that's what counts.
So stop making yourself nuts playing the “I think, you think, I think” game. The truth is that they aren't even thinking about you or anything else. They may have a sourpuss expression on their faces because they are hungry or their tummy hurts.
If your mind starts to play the “I think, they think” game, stop yourself immediately using the “cancel that thought” technique. Only instead of doing this technique by speaking out loud, think it silently to yourself.

The Real Secret of Talking to Anyone

You can read a million self-help books on how to have a great conversation. In fact, I know of about five books on the market with similar titles about how to speak to anyone about anything. Television interviewer Barbara Walters released one of these books in the '70s; more recently, talk-show host Larry King had one published.
You can sum up this entire topic up in just four words: Be interested—not interesting! Listen and ask sincere questions, and you'll be surprised at how many successful business liaisons you will
develop and how many friends you will make. No matter how you deny it, everyone—you, me, and everyone else in the world—loves to talk about their favorite and most interesting topic—themselves! When you stimulate that topic, they like it, and in turn they like you!