The Trashers

These people have to tear down everyone and everything. They, like the Sarcastic Sadist, see the world through dark and cloudy glasses. But unlike the Sarcastic Sadist, they don’t try to disguise their verbal venom with humor; instead, they are blunt and open about their feelings about others and everything around them. Like the “My Dog’s Bigger Than Your Dog” people, they have a need to build themselves up while putting others down.
The only difference is that they don’t only try to top you, they also constantly criticize.
If they have only criticized others in your presence and have left you alone, you can bet that you will be trashed either in person at a later date or when you’re not around. They have no mercy. Anyone is fair game.
Trashers are miserable people. It is a shame that they have to live with themselves. They go around perpetually tight-lipped and tight-jawed, tense-faced, whiny, and with tones of disgust spewing forth. They are difficult to be around, because nothing seems to make them happy. They will always find something wrong with someone or something. Even though they certainly aren’t perfect, they insist that the world around them be perfect.
Perhaps they learned how to be so negative from parents or caretakers who saw the world in the same way.
Perhaps they have been so traumatized in life that they have resigned themselves to the bitter Murphy’s Law idea that nothing is good and nothing ever goes right. Therefore, they cut down others before circumstances or other people can cut them down.
They are dissatisfied with everything. No matter what you say or do, they cannot be pleased. Like the “My Dog’s Bigger Than Your Dog” people and the “Sarcastic Sadists,” they are impossible to be around for long periods of time because they drain you. They deflate who you are, what you think, and who and what you like, thereby debilitating your own self-esteem and outlook towards life.

“My Dog’s Bigger Than Your Dog” People.

Like the “I’m Only Kidding” person, these people need to get a “leg up” on you, which is quite appropriate because after all, they are “My Dog’s Bigger than Your Dog” people. Years ago in a television commercial, a little boy was bragging about his little dog, when a second boy claimed that his dog was bigger than the first boy’s dog. Although it was a cute commercial, being around people who are always trying to compete with you isn’t very cute. It is annoying. Such people are so hungry to show you who they are and what they have that they are relentless in uncovering any morsel of information where they will have a chance to compete with you.

These people may indeed really like you. Perhaps they like you too much—to the point where they envy you and what you have. Their jealousy makes them need to establish an equal playing ground—to play the oneupsmanship game with you to make themselves feel better. They are extremely insecure about themselves and
about their accomplishments.

Perhaps they didn’t get enough positive reinforcement when they were children. Unfortunately, they crave it as adults. It becomes the fuel to their existence. No matter how hard you try to build them up, it doesn’t matter.
They need to build themselves up—mainly at your expense.

They drain you because they try to deflate and negate everything you say. In essence, being with them means constantly listening to their one-upsmanship and being put down. You can’t have a conversation with them, you can only have a match where they have to come out the “winner.”

The Verbal Hammers Person

Verbal hammers won't let up, let alone shut up! They go on and on and on and on. They never let you forget anything bad you ever did in your life. They constantly bring up the past. They verbally torture you to the point where you can't wait to leave them.
Even if you “Shock 'Em and Rock 'Em,” they won't be shocked and they won't be rocked. Like the Energizer Bunny, they just keep going! You feel like you're about to explode because there is no way out—they can't even hear you.

You may apologize a hundred times, and they will never hear you. They may stop for a while, but rest assured that they will continue to hammer you at some later date. These people are usually filled with inner rage and have a “victim” approach to life, which makes them feel that people are always doing them wrong. It's virtually impossible for them to break their view of themselves as well as their hammering unless they undergo some major counseling. Often times their hammering has very little to do with you. They may be generalizing a past negative experience (perhaps one they had with another person) onto you.

The Sarcastic/Sadistic Person.

These people have a lot of deep-seated psychological issues. Similar to the “I'm Only Kidding” person, they use hostility under the guise of humor because they really don't like you. They don't like themselves and see the world as dark and gloomy.

You can never be happy around these people, because they usually don't let up and are always thinking of something negatively humorous to say in any situation. They rarely take anything seriously. The truth is that they are not funny, and they know it. They know that they are in agony internally. You can rarely have a conversation with them without their resorting to sarcasm.

This is most tiring and frustrating to you; you will begin to physically show your frustration with what they say, as you can tell that their dark, unwitty wit is about to invade you.

The “Shock 'Em and Rock 'Em” Person

“Shock 'Em and Rock 'Em” people are similar to “I'm Only Kidding” people. Both want to get a rise out of you. They want to shock you by making a bizarre and inappropriate comment to get your attention or see how you will react. Unlike the “I'm Only Kidding” person, they usually don't resent or dislike you. In fact, they may really like you.

Such people are immature in their psychological development. They often have unresolved parental issues. They attempt to keep “pushing the envelope” with you to see if you will still like them even after they are “bad.” After all, Mommy and Daddy gave them unconditional love, so why can't you?

They fail to realize that you are not Mommy or Daddy, and that when they are “bad,” you won't necessarily like them or accept them. If you pass their test and ignore what they said or minimize it, they feel that they “gotcha” and feel that you accept them even if they are being bad.

The “I'm Only Kidding” Person

I discussed people who always tell you that they are kidding after making some devastating comment to you. They seem like they are erasing what they said, but they really say this only to keep you from attacking them back. If you persist in challenging them about the hostile comment they made, they will ever more loudly insist that they were “only kidding.”

The more you persist, the more they will resist, by getting louder and using a higher tone. Finally, they may use an exasperated or even sarcastic tone indicating they think you're the one with the problem because you're taking things so seriously. After all, they were “only kidding.”

Deep down inside, they really resent you or your actions, but they are too “chicken” to tell you outright, so they disguise their annoyance as humor.
Many young women I speak to experience this type of behavior from dates who want to “get a leg up” on them.

If the man feels intimidated by the woman, he may try to gain the upper hand by making hostile and insulting statements to her. When he sees that he was successful in getting a “rise” out of her, he knows he has that power, if only for a moment.

Level One Abusers

The ten types of verbal abusers in “level one” are more annoying and hurtful to your psyche than those in “level two.” You will learn what each particular abuser does and says and red flags to watch out for. Later in this blog we will explore ways to handle these types of abusers.

Shrinking Verbal Abuse—Psychological Pain

When people have been consistently verbally abused, they usually have no other recourse than to get professional help. They need to verbalize their feelings to their clergy, a supportive family member, an intimate friend, a counselor, or a psycho-therapist or “shrink.” If not remedied, their “shrinking self-esteem” may result in severe self-destructive behaviors leading to a very unpleasant life.

When people are constantly verbally slapped as children, they begin to feel embarrassment and shame. They grow up feeling like less than they are—worthless and irrelevant in the world. People react differently when they have been emotionally traumatized. They may become explosive and let out their emotional pain in some way. On the other hand, they may become implosive, keeping their emotional pain inside of them; this ends up torturing them emotionally. No matter how they manifest their symptoms, the result of their pain is the same— a diminished sense of self brought about by verbally hostile input.

Externally, those who have been verbally abused may in turn become verbally abusive towards others. They may exhibit the same tone of voice or use the same words that they have detested all of their lives. They may do this to keep others at a distance, as they often fear intimacy. To the verbally abused, intimacy is often equated with emotional loss and pain.

They may take out their inner rage on unsuspecting innocent victims, as they themselves were at one time. They may yell, scream, and belittle others. On the other hand, they may become too accommodating or clingy towards others. They may become exceedingly shy and unable to converse with anyone effectively. This further alienates them from others. They may tend to feel hopeless with an attitude of “what's the use of trying? I'm no good anyway”. This can eventually lead to lethargy and generalized malaise and can eventually evolve into full-blown depression; in extreme cases, the person becomes “emotionally vegetative” over a period of time.

Head Games Lead to Heart Pains.

Constant physical stress can also affect the muscles in your heart, thereby weakening the main mechanism you need for life support. Your blood flow may be affected, which may cause heart dysfunction and even stroke.

Research has repeatedly shown how added emotional distress can contribute to heart failure, which may kill a person. Similarly, studies have shown that stress can lower the immune system, which can make us susceptible to certain diseases. Among these are cancer, which in most cases leads to death.

The results of verbal abuse, like those of physical abuse, have a devastating effect on the body. This is very serious and should never be taken lightly. When people are verbally abusing you on a constant basis, they are in essence taking away chunks of your life.

Following are several warning signs that often result from verbal abuse:
• Shocked or numb feeling
• Body or face flinching
• Body or face tics
• Body or face tremors or shivering
• Flushed or hot feeling
• Cold feeling
• Skin blotches
• Head throbbing
• Headache in various parts of the head
• Neck pain and tightness
• Stomach pain and cramping
• Diarrhea
• Vomiting
• Rapid heartbeat
• Light-headedness
• Dizziness
• Inability to catch one’s breath

Ouch, It Hurts! The Physical Pain of Verbal Abuse.

As was said earlier, words do hurt. Using words as weapons can cause tremendous physical pain, disease, and (as far-fetched as it may seem) can even result in death.

Physical reactions towards verbal abuse take place in stages. When someone verbally slaps you, your system suffers an initial shock. First your cortex, the top layer of your brain, receives the verbal message, which is processed in the appropriate areas of the brain, primarily on the left side, called Wernicke's area. After you have cognitively deciphered what was said, a deeper area of your brain, known as the limbic system, kicks in. When you have been verbally abused your whole physiology changes, becoming different from the state at which you either heard pleasant things about yourself or when you felt neutral.

Now your autonomic nervous system, the system that controls your heart rate, pupil dilation, and blood flow, kicks in. The primitive “fight or flight” response emerges as you aim to physically protect yourself against the predators. Thus, your heart beats faster, the adrenaline flows, and your senses become heightened, making you more aware of what is occurring around you.

This is why your heart beats so fast, why blood rushes to or drains out of your face, or why you might develop a sudden headache. It is why you may become dizzy or lightheaded and feel as though you have had an “out of body” experience.” It is also why you may have difficulty initially catching your breath after you have been verbally zapped and slapped. This is why your stomach tightens and begins to hurt or cramp, why your body becomes rigid, and why the muscles in your neck and back tense up.

If these physiological changes happen to you regularly, a particular area of your body may become weakened due to the added pressure placed upon it. For instance, constant pain and pressure in the abdominal region can cause an increase in stomach acid, which may result in ulcers. This pain can cause such discomfort that it can immobilize you, thereby jeopardizing your work and your interpersonal relationships.

How to Determine Your Exposure to Verbal Abuse?

Answer the following questions with “yes” or “no,” then read the section that follows to determine the level of verbal abuse that you’ve experienced.

1. Have you been told to deny or to minimize your emotions (for example, “don’t cry,” “keep a stiff upper lip,” “stop getting worked up over nothing,” “don’t get so bent out of shape,” and “take it easy”)?
2. Were you told how wonderful you were in one breath and then in the next breath how horrible you are?
3. Did someone take the wind out of your sails or diminish what you say (such as, “you’ll never be able to do that,” “who do you think you are?”, or “that’s the stupidest idea I ever heard”)?
4. Have you been contradicted whenever you say something, even though you know you are correct and have the data or the evidence to prove it?
5. Were you teased in a vicious manner, with the teaser not letting up no matter how upset you got?
6. Did you feel that someone was sadistic by secretly getting satisfaction out of seeing you emotionally hurt or upset?
7. Were you constantly threatened, or did someone hold over your head something that you were sensitive about?
8. Were you ridiculed after you told someone an intimate secret? Did that person tease you about it and constantly throw it back in your face when you least expected it?
9. Did he share your confidence with others after you said not to tell anyone else?
10. Did he speak to you in hostile, harsh, or angry tones?
11. Did she look away when you spoke or when she spoke to you?
12. Did she move away from you when you tried to speak to her?
13. Did he withhold information or neglect to give you vital information?
14. Did he always try to have a “leg up” and try to top anything you told him? Did you feel that he was always trying to compete with you?
15. Did she make you feel wrong, contradict you, or attempt to belittle or dismiss what you had to say in front of others?
16. Did she say something awful or shocking to you and then follow her comment by “I was only kidding?”
17. Did he seem to always accuse you or blame you by making statements beginning with “you never…,” “you always…,” “it’s your fault that…,” “you’d better…,” or “why don’t you ever…?”
18. Does she always try to instigate a fight?
19. Does she curse at you or use profanity?
20. Does he always seem to pick on you, telling you how bad you are and what you did wrong, rarely telling you what you ever did right?
21. Does he call you pejorative names or nicknames that he knows you don’t like?
22. Does she constantly bring up something bad that happened in your past or a mistake you made, and never let you forget it?
23. Does she order you around, constantly making demands instead of making requests when she speaks to you?
24. Does he speak so softly that you can’t hear him, even though you have heard him speak up when he wants to?
25. Does he bellow out loud and deafening tones when he speaks to you, but not when he speaks to others?
26. Is she always in a hurry or having to go whenever you want to talk with her?
27. Does she answer questions with a question, never giving you a direct answer?
28. Was getting him to talk like pulling teeth? Did he usually give one-word responses to your questions like “yep” or “nope?”
29. Does she say things to make you feel guilty?
30. Does she constantly belittle you or embarrass you in front of others?
31. Does he ignore, dismiss, or reject what you say?

Verbal Abuse—the Silent Killer

Sometimes you may not even be aware that you have been verbally abused. It's often like a silent killer, similar to a gas leak that slowly fills the room and eventually consumes you. You smell something, but you ignore it, thinking it will go away. But it doesn't go away, and then you become unconscious. Unless someone rushes into your home to save you, you will never wake up. The following section contains a quiz to help you become more aware of whether you have been exposed to verbal abuse. Like the gas leak, the abuse may have taken place slowly until it consumed you. It may have affected your physical health or your emotional well-being, because the verbal abuse seems never to go away.

Unless the information and knowledge you acquire from reading this book saves you, your physical and emotional suffering will become worse, until it takes a devastating toll on your body and psyche.

Warning! You've Been Exposed to a Verbal Health Hazard

Remember the innocent mantra you learned as a child? “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Wanna bet? The wrong words said to
anyone, especially to a young and vulnerable child, are like glue. They stick to them forever—from ages 3 to 103.

The wrong kind of words can not only hurt you, they can emotionally maim you and even kill you. The National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse and several psychologists who have treated abused children came up with the following list of commonly used remarks with which parents verbally abuse their children. Many parents make these comments, completely unaware of the damaging repercussions and lasting scars these words can have on their youngsters. If you have made any of these comments to your child, never do it again! Apologize to them.

You can also do this with employees. Remember, it takes a big person to apologize, whether a parent, child, sibling, spouse, employer, or employee. Those who can't bring themselves to say they are sorry are often bullies who believe that a kick in the pants is better than a pat on the back. Those who make these cruel statements are often miserable and bitter people with little or no feeling for anyone but themselves. They are often so consumed with self-loathing that they spew forth their toxic bullets towards anyone in their way. Most often, it is towards a defenseless family member, such as a child.

The following are abusive statements you must never say.
1. “You look terrible.”
2. “Wear something else. You look awful.”
3. “You're pathetic. You can't do anything right.”
4. “You're so stupid. Can't you ever listen?”
5. “You disgust me. Just shut up!”
6. “If I would have known how much trouble you'd be, I never would have had you.”
7. “Get out of here and don't come back.”
8. “You make me sick.”
9. “You're always wrong.”
10. “Who asked you?”

They Don’t Really Mean That!

In their attempts to be civil, not make waves, or to appease you, people often make lame comments that you know may be untrue. They may make typical automatic responses when they really mean to say the opposite.

Now you must combine your newfound knowledge of reading people’s body cues, facial cues, and vocal cues with what they are actually saying. Whenever you hear standard phrases such as the ones in the following list, be aware. Observing their physical and vocal manner in conjunction with these particular statements may tell you what they really mean and what they are truly feeling. Watch out for a tight-lipped smile, facial grimacing, a forced smile, a blank facial expression, ridged body posture, a lower pitch, or a monotone when they make these statements to appease you.

If you observe any of these body cues, chances are that they think the opposite of what they’re saying. On the other hand, if the body language, facial movements and voice pattern seem genuine, chances are that they do mean what they say, so “don’t worry about it.”

Expressions Said but Seldom Meant
1. Don’t worry about it.
2. It’s no big deal.
3. There’s no problem whatsoever.
4. Don’t give it a second thought
5. It’ll all work out.
6. It doesn’t bother me at all.
7. I really don’t care.
8. Sure, go ahead.
9. I’m really sorry.
10. It’s my fault.

Beware, You’re Next!

If someone constantly disses (disrespects) others, you can rest assured that you are next on the “diss list.” Some people can communicate with another person only when they are trashing someone. It makes them feel as though they are better and have one up on the person. That’s why talk shows are currently such a success. If you see someone more miserable than you on television and share what you saw with someone as you chuckle to yourself, you don’t feel that your life is in such bad shape after all.

In reality, these are people with a lot of inner emotional conflict that hasn’t been worked out yet. They are miserable and lonely people. They always put others down in order to build themselves up. These people are often the ones who will be nice to your face and then verbally stab you in the back. If you hear them go after someone one day, their tongue could easily be firing bullets at you the next morning as they make mincemeat out of you behind your back.

If He Says He's a Jerk, Believe Him

When I was in college, the women in the dormitory had a rule. “If a guy tells you he's a jerk, believe him. He is!” One classmate argued with a well known jerk, insisting that he was really such a sweet and nice guy, dismissing his claims of being a jerk. But she finally had to agree with him when she saw him hitting on her roommate after he asked her to go steady with him.

The same holds true for women, of course, as well as for people with the opposite claim—those who tell you how great they are! Muhammad Ali said he was “the greatest”—he could “float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.” He certainly knew what he was saying: he was the greatest boxer of our time.

Even though you might think that they are braggarts or obnoxious, most people who tell you they are the best are telling you that they have plenty of confidence in themselves. Of course, you have to watch out for people who have delusions of grandeur, such as someone who says she is the best singer when she has never taken a lesson and sounds off key. She very well might be the best singer—in her shower, when nobody else is around. Thus, in addition to seeing the results, you do have to consider some history. Always listen very carefully to what people say about themselves. They are usually right.

What's the Matter? Cat Got Your Tongue?

There is nothing more disconcerting than attempting to converse with someone who isn't willing to give you any information. They are verbal vampires, trying to suck out all of the information and energy from you and not giving you back anything in return. They are stingy with what they say to you. You might ask them reciprocal questions and hear them not answer, give you a short answer, or circumvent the question entirely, changing the subject and bringing the conversation back to you. These people are very dangerous and often sneaky backstabbers.

They acquire all of the information from you and then take advantage of you and the situation. If someone isn't holding up her end of the conversation, don't let your ego get in the way and think she is “flattering you.” Instead, know that she is about to “flatten you.” When you hear her deafening silence, shut up and don't give her any more of yourself. Put the ball in her court, no matter how awkward the stillness and quiet become. If she can't give you anything verbal in return, neither can you; end the conversation

You Were Not “Only Kidding”

Many of us think that the other person is only kidding when we hear something drastic or shocking. We tend to obliterate our emotional reaction to these verbal bombs, ignoring the message and dismissing it as a mere joke. We don't want to believe they just said what they said. But the truth is that they did say it, and you had better hear it, or it may be too late.

Freud once said that there are no jokes, “only truth.” Those who say mean things or make cutting remarks are revealing how negatively they really feel towards you. With their shockingly hostile statements, they are actually telling you the truth. When they see the look of shock or anger cross your face, they immediately jump in with “I was only kidding.” In essence, they punch you out, you fall down, and by dismissing their own hostile words as a joke, they deprive you of your chance to fight back or retort.

These hostile words will continue to resonate, however, as will the actions. “I was only kidding” is also a form of sadistic behavior. A person sees a flaw or something he doesn't like and relishes it, enjoying your problem in order to make himself feel better. By making the shocking statement to you and verbally slapping you in your face, he tells you how negatively he really feels about you. We see many people do this to one another; we say that the victim who laughs it off is a “good sport.” But there is nothing sporty about being cut down and then smiling about what was said, especially if the words sting you. You need to put a stop to anyone joking with you at your expense.

What Are They Really Saying to You?

Not only is it important to listen to how people speak to you, such as their tone of voice, it is equally important to listen to everything they say to you and I mean everything!
You need to develop 20/20 hearing—perfect pitch, in a way. You need to hear exactly what people say and process the words coming out of their mouths. You can't hear only what you want to hear or what you think (or hope) they mean.

Steve was devastated when Linda walked out on him. “How could she do this to me? There were no signs. She just left for no reason at all. She took the furniture and everything,” said a perplexed Steve during his therapy session in my office. I probed and probed, until he finally realized that Linda in fact had told him she was going to leave him if he didn't start to open up and share himself emotionally as well as physically.

After some intensive soul searching, he finally was able to remember one conversation where Linda screamed and yelled at him for not reacting to anything emotionally. He remembered that she called him a “coldblooded lizard with ice running through his veins.” She said that she would clean him out of house and home, and then maybe he'd react. Had Steve really listened to what she was saying, and had he gotten some therapy to help him more freely express himself verbally, the two of them might be together today, and Steve would at least still have a chair on which to sit and a bed on which to sleep! He thought she was “only kidding” when she gave him this ultimatum.

Fast talker and slow speaker

Too fast a talker is usually a hyper person—a type A personality. They are tornadoes trying to do ten things at once with such urgency that they leave a wake of upset, annoyed, and intimidated people. Fast talkers alienate people because they are so difficult to understand. People who listen to them may feel as though they are being cheated, or talked into something, yet the fast talker may have completely honest intentions. For the most part, like the soft talker, the fast talker may be suffering from self-worth issues—not feeling worthy enough to be heard.

There are those who speak so slowly that you can fly from New York City to LA and back by the time they finish a sentence. Unless they are suffering from brain damage such as cerebral palsy or a stroke, or are mentally challenged, too-slow talkers are often self-absorbed. They are so concerned about saying everything correctly that they lose sight of who they are talking to. When you try to interrupt them, they usually ignore you and proceed talking. These people may also be “leaking” and not telling the truth.