Before you fight any verbal battles, you need to look at yourself very objectively. You need to get emotionally naked and put your ego into your back pocket. You need to step outside yourself and pretend that you are looking at a person other than yourself. Try to look at this person (you) in the same manner as others may be
viewing and perceiving this person.
Besides having an objective mind, you need a mirror, preferably full-length (together with an audiotape or a video camera), where you can see yourself soon after you are visually recorded. Both the mirror and audiotape or videotape are ideal devices for observing yourself and keeping a record of the significant changes you make as you learn new and powerful skills to help yourself in your verbal battles. You will be able to see and hear the progress you made from the time you first examined or recorded yourself as part of the exercises, to how you are coming across now and in the future.
In order to make people in your life more comfortable with giving you information about yourself, you may want to ask them to describe how others may perceive you. This gets them off the spot; they're less likely to feel they'll embarrass you and themselves, no matter how much you protest that the information won't hurt your
feelings.
You may want to do this with your co-workers, employer, employees, spouse, children, friends, relatives, and anyone else who knows you.
Write these comments down in a notebook afterwards and then look at certain personality patterns you have, as well as how they feel you present yourself. Once again, insist that they be 100 percent candid with you so that you can get a true picture of how the world sees you.
Sometimes, people will have already told you how they feel about you. In these cases, you don't need to ask them again. Just include their names on the list along with comments they made about you in the past.
To clearly learn about how you come across to others is to ask them objectively what image you give off in general.
Tell them that they won't hurt your feelings, and they would be doing you a great favor in terms of providing you with this information.
I came up with this idea when I was sitting on an airplane next to a businessman who was president and CEO of a highly successful company. He told me that he worked for a company for 25 years and was fired due to downsizing. He was on the fast track to corporate success and suddenly his world fell apart—his job and his marriage. He didn't know who he was or where he was going, so he set out on a quest to find out how others
perceived him. He sent out 100 letters to people he knew well—colleagues, acquaintances, family members, and those whom he felt may not like him.
He asked them to take a few moments to honestly write and tell him what they thought of him. He then compiled all of the data and came up with a consensus that he was a doer and innovator, he loves people, and he was personable, friendly, and sensitive towards the needs of others. He spent more time counseling employees than being concerned about the bottom line. He also found out that he was impatient and at times has a bad temper—especially when he doesn't get his way.
This information changed his life. He started an employment agency to help scientists and researchers find jobs, since the business employment agencies were tapped out. In his new position he has never been happier in his life—all day long, he counsels unemployed scientists whom he knows he helps. He has made more money than ever before, watches his temper and his impatience, and the best news is that he married one of his scientist clients and is living happily ever after.
Why would you care what anyone thinks about you? After all, how you look, act, and sound is your business, not theirs. You know in your mind that you are qualified to do any job. You know in your heart that you are a good person and that anyone would be lucky to have a meaningful relationship with you. You are absolutely right. However, unless you look, sound, and act in a way that helps you win friends and influence people,
nobody will give you the chance to show how competent you are at that job or take the time to get to know you and discover what a wonderful, sensitive, and generous person you are.
The truth is that we do not live in a meritocracy. In an ideal world, superficial things like appearance shouldn't matter. In the real world, however, it does matter. If people perceive you in a more positive light, they will treat you better. They will have more confidence in you, which will translate into better opportunities for you. More doors will be available to you in your business as well as in your personal life.
Studies consistently show that if you have good posture, a solid walk, an appropriate gaze, the right facial expressions, and a good voice and proper communication skills, you will be perceived as being wealthier, more successful in business, less guilty of committing a crime, more intelligent, friendlier, and more sexually exciting than if you don't possess these qualities.
When you have been verbally murdered, part of you has literally died, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
You lose your enthusiasm, your smile, and your inner desires and passions. You feel as though there is no hope left in you.
You become afraid to speak up and share your innermost confidences with anyone. You become closemouthed, fearful, and withholding around people. Even being around people may become uncomfortable for you because you are afraid to say anything that you feel could sound stupid or ridiculous. Even though such fears are usually unwarranted, you are always “on guard” with others.
This fear cuts you off from the viable communication you need with others in order to have solid and open relationships.
Verbal murderers are usually embarrassed or ashamed about what they say and do to others. They have so much inner anger towards themselves that their poisonous words uncontrollably escape from their lips to attack you. This lack of verbal control often costs them their relationships with friends or family. They find that they are shunned, unforgiven, and untrusted by those to whom they were once close. Social invitations dry up, and people usually stay away from them.
Trust is the essence of any relationship, and when trust is shattered, there is usually no going back. These verbal murderers cannot be trusted, because they may verbally murder again. They cannot keep friends on a long-term basis. They also become the last to know things, because nobody trusts them—sharing one’s confidences with these verbal murderers is out of the question.
Another consequence of being a verbal murderer is frequent depression. They are often so bitter at others and life in general that they walk around with a frown, a scowl, or an expressionless face, which further alienates them from others.
They tend to feel so guilty and ashamed of what they have said and done to so many people that they perceive themselves in a negative manner; this in turn permits their low self-esteem. And because they hold themselves in such low esteem, they may act out by being more verbally destructive to others or to themselves. They may drink, smoke, take drugs, or overeat in order to dull and temporarily quiet the pain lurking inside of them.
These are the ultimate competitors. Unlike those who are unconsciously jealous, these people are fully conscious of who you are and the threat they perceive you to be. They are overt in letting you know that they are the “king,” “queen,” or “star” and that you should stay in your place.
This is all too common among siblings and spouses. Often, spouses start out being in a subservient role in which they look up to their mate, who makes more money, is in a more powerful position, or is more attractive.
When the tables turn and the previously subservient spouse starts to assert himself or herself, when they begin to earn more money, or attain equal or more perceived power in the job world, all hell breaks loose. Loveydovey couples who previously cooed accolades and terms of endearment towards one another now roar at and demean one another in their attempts to gain the upper hand.
In my practice, I have seen this scenario repeatedly when people lose a lot of weight, have plastic surgery to improve their looks, or dress differently. People who were supposed to be your “friends” aren’t too friendly now that you look or feel better. They liked you in your previous role when they had (at least in their minds) more than you or felt they were better than you.
These people make life as miserable as possible for you by exhibiting a wide range of toxic behaviors. These include not acknowledging you, not speaking to you, or ignoring, minimizing, or openly taking issue with everything you say. They may mock you to others and badmouth you. By doing this, they attempt to gain the winning edge of other’s favorable perception of them as they perpetuate the unfavorable perception of you.
If this happens in a work environment in which the other person is in a more powerful position than you, there is unfortunately nothing you can do about it. You lose out in that situation, and you have to be the one to leave.
In the long run, this is perhaps for the better—who would want to be around such a toxic person anyway?
One client of mine once had a talent agent for her acting career. This agent never got her work and rarely even took her telephone calls. One day, when talking to another client of mine, a director, I heard about a role that she would be perfect for. I told the director about her and he sounded very interested in meeting with her.
When she arrived in my office later that morning, I had her immediately telephone her agent in my office. She put the call on speakerphone so that we could both talk to her agent and I could fill him in on the details of the project and put him in direct contact with the director.
After placing us on hold for what seemed like an eternity, the agent finally answered the phone with a gruff, curt, monotonous, disgusted sound “Yeah.” She excitedly told him about the project, which he immediately started to pooh-pooh. He told her that the casting agents for that project were looking at a lot of people and that he didn’t think she was right for the part. She tried to sound convincing and chipper as she told him what had taken place in my office with the director. I then got on the phone and told him how the director seemed interested in interviewing his client. But in his sour, negating tone, he basically told me that it was too big a role and that they were looking for a name and so wouldn’t be interested in her.
When she got off the phone, she was sobbing in frustration. She said that he never believed in her and always talked down to her, negating everything she ever said or suggested. She felt low and worthless, and even began to question her own talents and why she was even pursuing an acting career.
Before she got too down, I got her the meeting with the director myself, and she got the role and “kicked her agent to the curb.”
It’s better to be alone than to be around anyone who doesn’t believe in you. Such people sabotage your efforts by not doing anything to help you—they will neglect you or proactively do their best to make sure nothing good happens to or for you.
When people think you’re stupid or can’t cut the mustard, they usually speak to you in curt sentences, using condescending and impatient-sounding tones. They consistently show their frustration whenever they speak to you directly or speak about you to others.
Often the people around them follow suit. For example, their secretaries, assistants, employees, or friends may treat you and speak to you in a similar manner. They won’t show you the courtesy you deserve. Because they so consistently treat you like an idiot, you may find yourself carrying out their self-fulfilling prophecy, believing you are incompetent and acting in accordance to their low expectations of you.
The control freak can relate to you—or to anyone else for that matter—only if he has you under his control.
Sometimes, the control freak can hold money, a certain lifestyle, or even a job situation over your head to make sure that you are under his thumb.
The most common situation I have encountered is the woman who goes after her dream man—the fantasy Prince Charming with the big bucks who can take care of her financially so that she will live happily ever after.
What does he get out of it? He gets the pleasure of controlling her with his big bucks, putting her on a restrictive budget, and dictating her behavior. Yeah—happily ever after! The price is too high when you give up your freedom. It doesn’t work—you crumble. Even societies crumble when people are controlled or oppressed. Look at what happened in East Germany and in the former Soviet Union. You can’t limit people’s creativity and ambition and expect them to flourish.
People also have conscious reasons for trying to murder you verbally. They spew verbal bullets when they can’t stand you, don’t want you to succeed, want to control you, or don’t want you to be better than they are.
They Just Plain Can’t Stand You!
For whatever reason, some people just can’t stomach you. You get on their nerves. This is why they can tell you the worst things about yourself and then say they were only kidding; this is why they can be sarcastic to you. And if you happen to tell them something bad that’s going on in your life, they love it!
They Know You Really Don’t Like Them
For the most part, the way you feel about a person is the way they will feel about you. If you aren’t too crazy about someone, chances are that she’s not so crazy about you either. People know when they aren’t liked and will often reflect this in their behavior—what they say to you and how they say it.
What’s the Use?
Many people resign themselves to a life of despair or mediocrity. Just because things don’t go as planned, they feel that their whole life is a mess. They feel like losers; they expect the worst, and they definitely get the worst.
As a result, they don’t try anything new. There is no excitement in their souls, as their dull tones usually reflect.
Anyone around them who shows a bit of spunk or enthusiasm towards life is regarded as the enemy. Therefore, they always say something to try to discourage you or squelch your dreams or excitement. They figure that if they are so miserable, you should be miserable too. They will rain on your parade, pop your balloon, and deflate your ego. They usually say the phrase “yeah but” when they are going to tear down anything positive you have said. Unfortunately, their hopelessness tends to be contagious.
Many people resign themselves to a life of despair or mediocrity. Just because things don’t go as planned, they feel that their whole life is a mess. They feel like losers; they expect the worst, and they definitely get the worst.
As a result, they don’t try anything new. There is no excitement in their souls, as their dull tones usually reflect.
Anyone around them who shows a bit of spunk or enthusiasm towards life is regarded as the enemy. Therefore, they always say something to try to discourage you or squelch your dreams or excitement. They figure that if they are so miserable, you should be miserable too. They will rain on your parade, pop your balloon, and deflate your ego. They usually say the phrase “yeah but” when they are going to tear down anything positive you have said. Unfortunately, their hopelessness tends to be contagious.
Just as people project their bad experiences with others onto you, they may also project onto you issues of trust or lack of trust. They may have had trusts broken in their childhood, business life, or personal life. And it takes very little to trigger such people's mistrust—cues from your facial or body movement, or from your voice or what you say. They conclude, rightly or wrongly, and consciously or unconsciously, that you are not forthright, and so they react toward you with verbal abuse. In essence, they are coming across on the offense to subconsciously protect themselves against you.
Have you ever met people who had everything going for them? Things are going smoothly for them until they open their big mouths and stick their feet inside, sabotaging everything they worked for.
These people feel that deep down they don't deserve good things to happen to them. They see themselves as impostors who will be “found out” in time, especially if someone gets too close to them. Unconsciously, they feel that the truth about themselves will be revealed. They have low self-esteem and see themselves as losers, no matter how successful they may seem by society's standards.
Because they feel that they don't deserve to be happy or liked, let alone loved, they say rude or mean things to others, including you. They don't realize that this is an attempt to get you to dislike them, so that they can prove that they are unlovable frauds.
A client of mine broke off her engagement with a man because of his verbal hostility toward her. As she put it, he would give with one hand and take away with the other. One small example was when she opened the door to see him and he said “Wow, you look so sexy and gorgeous.” She smiled brightly, but her smile turned into a frown when he added, “but I hate the color green. It sickens me and you look like you are sick.” He made comments like these constantly. What her ex-fiancé was doing was verbally destroying a relationship that he knew would make him happy. He didn't feel that he deserved happiness, so he talked himself and his fiancé out of it.
Usually, you are stabbed in the back because of envy. In psychological terms, “envy seeks to destroy.” People undermine you or do whatever they can to hold you back because they are green with envy.
The envy shows on their face with their tight-lipped smile and hard swallow whenever you tell them something good that has happened or is about to happen in your life. You can actually see the veins tense up in their neck as they have a difficult time swallowing their own venom.
Some people make mean and cutting remarks to you because, consciously or not, they are extremely jealous of you for some reason. You may think that they have nothing to be jealous about, but in their eyes, you are larger than life. They wish to have what you have, or they regard you to be “more” than they are. All this may be a surprise to them, however. If you point out that they are jealous, they might vehemently deny it and profess how much they like, love, or admire you.
Just as a verbal murderer condemns people for the group to which they belong, a murderer will often throw poison verbal darts at someone who reminds him of someone who did him wrong.
Most of the time, however, people who dislike someone don't know the reasons why. If you ask them what that person did to them to arouse such disdain, they will be at a loss for words.
Unfortunately, if people have had a series of bad personal relationships (in which they have been cheated on repeatedly, for example), they often might be very suspicious of you and perhaps believe that you are cheating on them as well. Even if you never give them any cause to think that you desire someone else, they might keep insisting that you have been unfaithful.
In their emotional pain, they generalize that all people of a certain group act in a certain way. Because of their negative experiences with one particular group, they generalize their ill feelings to everyone who is a member of that group. How many times have we heard women say “men are dawgs (dogs)” or men say “there are no more good women out there?”
After having so many negative experiences, and saying such a thing enough times (whether in jest or not), they come to believe it. Unconsciously, these verbal murderers condemn an entire race, religious group, sex, country, profession, or socioeconomic group for the actions of a few bad seeds.
