Make Yourself Feel Reeeealy Good!

This is the time you have for yourself! As I said earlier, the best thing you can do is get professional help of some kind. The next thing you can do is to heal yourself.
Next, pamper yourself! And I mean major pampering! Don't feel guilty. This is money well spent! Pretend you are a prince, princess, sheik, king, or queen, and take one day off to book yourself solid in order to do things with the sole purpose of making yourself feel not only good but great! Whatever it is, do it and enjoy! Here is a list to give you some ideas for having this great day just for you:

• Go to the theater or a live sporting event (no matter how expensive it is).
• Go somewhere or do something you always wanted to, although you never had the time or the energy.
• Go dancing or to a club.
• (Unless you have an alcohol problem) Go to a bar (even a cigar bar) and have all the drinks you want, providing that you do not drive home in a drunken state (you don't want to make it your last day!).
• Go shopping and splurging on whatever you want, forgetting about the money and knowing that you will somehow pay it off in time.
• Get a manicure, pedicure, facial, haircut and style; get waxed (if you are a woman or a man for that matter), get a shave at the barber's (if you are a man), and top it all off with a warm and relaxing bubble bath, followed by a full body massage.
• Have many of these pampering specialists in your home to carry out your regimen of being pampered.
• Lie in bed all day sleeping.
• Have an eating marathon, not caring about diets and calories, but eating your favorite food, perhaps in your favorite restaurants, even going to a different restaurant for coffee, breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, and drinks.
• Have a book marathon, reading everything you ever wanted to read.
• Participate in a sport you love or take lessons in a sport you always wanted to try—for example, snowskiing, waterskiing, in-line skating, hang-gliding, horseback riding, skeet shooting, and polo.
• Have a video marathon, watching every video you've ever wanted to see.
• Spend the day having a sex marathon with a loved one.

No matter what it is that you do, you have one sole purpose, and that is to make YOU feel good. No calls! No meetings! No problems! This is your day and your day only, so take advantage of it, cherish it, and don't feel guilty about it!
This pampering can also help prevent you from going back to the verbal abuser or heal the emotional pain and distress she caused you! Whenever you think of her or see another one coming your way, think of this marvelous day, and it will help you get through the difficult days.

Forgiving Yourself Right Now!

Look, you didn't purposely seek out this verbal abuse. Chances are that you were attracted to this individual, no matter what area of your life he was in, and you found out what a verbal jerk he was! It's not your fault! You did nothing wrong, trust me! The only thing you need to examine is if there is a pattern here. If you find that
your life has been filled with too much verbal abuse, you may want to look at why this is so. Perhaps there was something familiar about their behavior, something that you were conditioned by early on in life. If that is the case, you have to be conscious of this and watch yourself so that you are not drawn to another similar type of person.

When You're on the Verbal Merry-Go-Round

After you have finished mourning, you will from time to time have negative thoughts about the verbal tormentor.
Find solace in the fact that what goes around comes around. You might not see the immediate results, but rest assured they will suffer the consequences of their actions. If they are treating you with verbal disrespect, chances are they are doing the same with others. As I said earlier in this chapter, leopards don't change their spots.
Never forget what they did to cause you such pain! And yes, no matter what the self-proclaimed gurus tell you, you do not cause yourself pain, others cause you pain.

Mourning and Waking Up Renewed in the Morning.

Certainly you will go through a roller coaster of emotions, and grieving the relationship, no matter how verbally toxic it was. The key here is to hurry up and grieve, so that you can get on with a brand-new, healthy, and positive perspective on life. A therapist or great friends can help you with this grieving process by allowing you to verbally vent. The best way to get over this difficult period is to make a list of all the verbally toxic things your opponent ever said to you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t remember the exact words. Just write down the specific circumstances or the different times it occurred.
Whenever you are feeling down and wishing you could go back to the relationship, just pull out your list. That will cure you and speed up your emotional recovery period!

Throwaways

What happens when the verbal abusers are the ones who pull the verbal plug? No matter how difficult, even impossible, the communication was between both of you, nobody likes to be tossed away like a dead raccoon.
Just know that you are probably feeling worse than they are right now. The rejected always feels worse than the rejecter.
Along with everyone else, I can sit here and give you words of sympathy. Even though we try to say sympathetic words and phrases in our attempts to comfort you, you’ll think we don’t know what we’re talking about. You’ll wish we’d just shut up, listen to your sob story, dry your tears, and wear a shirt, blouse, or sweater that feels soft, so that when you cry on our shoulder your face will feel more comfortable and less scratchy.
The following “Talk Back!” section lists some phrases of comfort usually said to a rejectee, and what the rejectee really thinks about your stupid advice.
None of these words help you feel better. Instead, they make you feel worse! Just know, you will feel bad, very bad, horribly bad for a while. But then, after you are able to hold some food down, sleep, stop crying and have an occasional smile on your face—when you have spent time away from the rejecter—you will see something you never saw before! He did you a favor.
If he left you and you were a verbal tormentor, you learned something very valuable. Don’t mess with people’s self-respect. Talk to them like human beings with the dignity they deserve, or you won’t be talking to anybody!
If, on the other hand, he left you and he was the verbal tormentor, he probably left you for a number of reasons that most likely have nothing to do with you!

Help!!! Emergency!!!

Before you reach for the phone, call your family members, close friends, clergy, and the person you desperately need the most—a psychotherapist. If you don’t know any, call the local mental health association in your area.
Call a university or a medical center in your area. Call your friends. Ask them if they know of one or if any of their friends know of a good therapist. Call your doctor. Call the health department. Call the American Psychological Association in Washington, DC.
If you think you can’t afford professional help, stop thinking that right now! Often your community has a lowcost mental health program. The Department of Social Services in your city, county, or state can also help you.
University programs often have clinical counseling available at a low cost. Your clergy can also help you— that’s what they are there for. Their inspirational guidance just might be the mental medicine you need. Maybe they can at least comfort you during your time of great emotional distress, until you can actually see a mental health professional who is trained to deal with your specific issues.
I have given you all kinds of options, so there is no excuse! Get help!
Do it now!

Noooooo! Don't Do It!

Then one evening, things are quiet. The phone isn't ringing and you have no plans. After partying like mad to celebrate your newfound freedom, you are beginning to come back down to earth as you realize that the party's over. Now you have to start a new life with new people who are not verbally toxic.
It's tough. You think, “How am I going to meet someone to start a new verbally healthy relationship?” “Where do I go?” “What do I do?” “Oh no!,” you think to yourself, “What if they don't find me attractive? What if they don't like me? What if I am alone? What if I never find a relationship again? What if nobody wants to sleep with me? What if everyone who meets me rejects me? What will happen to me? What if I get so depressed because of all of this and don't want to go on living? What if I decide to kill myself?”
Now that you have worked yourself over mentally and looked at your newfound freedom as a scary and horrific nightmare, instead of an exciting and thrilling adventure, you are paralyzed with fear! You feel so naked, so exposed, so vulnerable—as though you are so completely naked that you aren't even wearing your skin, let alone your clothes!
So, what does your first instinct tell you? Why, of course, reach for the phone and call that familiar person—your verbal abuser. It's safe. He might be abusive, you reason to yourself, but at least he was yours. He'll make it all better! You won't be feeling as naked and insecure if you go back with him, you think. So, you reach for the phone to call the “Him.” Just when we all thought you were doing so well, you are now back for more. The saga continues, and now we definitely don't want to hear about it. We're sick of hearing about the abuser, and by now we're sick of you.

You Finally Got the Message!

Some people, usually ones who are a bit masochistic due to self-worth issues, take a much longer time to get the message. Those who have really worked on themselves psychologically to rid themselves of any mental demons take less time to see the light. They kick the verbal vulture to the curb. After three strikes maximum, they are history!
You finally get it! Yeah! After trying each and every way to rationalize and convince yourself of ways it could work out, you now realize that there is no hope. You simply can't have this person destroying your identity and your life. You have resigned yourself to the fact that you cannot fool yourself any longer.
Now you are so excited—free at last. You feel as though a ton has been lifted from your shoulders. You can't believe how good you feel. You are smiling all the time. People tell you how great you look. You feel that you have a new lease on life. People actually like being around you now, because you're not always depressed and talking their ear off about your troubles. You are invited to more places and you are having more fun than ever.
You are open to new things. You even get a new hairstyle, and shed the 10 pounds you gained in the toxic relationship, which literally “weighed you down!” You look great! You feel great! Everyone around you now is great! Life is great!

Yes, But…

Don’t “yes, but…” me. Don’t “yes, but…” yourself. Verbal abuse is verbal abuse! That’s it! You are the victim of a verbal crime, and the verbal criminals need to be out—for life! Out of your life for the rest of their lives!
Many of you will think that this statement is too harsh, but there’s nothing harsh about telling you that you are shortening and diminishing the quality of the most precious gift that has been given to you—your life! I’m telling you this because I really care about you. I care so much that I am willing to dedicate my life to helping people in the same situation you find yourself in. So please open your mind. See and hear what I am trying to tell you. The longer you stay in a verbally abusive relationship, the longer you will feel bad about yourself. You are in a losing battle and you will never win the verbal war.
If you have truly done everything I’ve discussed in this book thus far, using every single verbal defense strategy correctly and following the steps in the book to a “t,” but your results are to no avail, then there are no more “yeah, buts…” to hear.

Three Strikes and You're Out!

People stay in horrible relationships way too long with the hopes of “working things out.” More often than not, things never work out! The time to get out of a verbally abusive relationship is NOW! In baseball there is a rule that after three strikes, you are out. And in some states across America there is a “three strikes” law.
Therefore, I believe as well in the “three-strike rule” when it comes to being verbally abused. The first time a person verbally abuses you, even though it's awful, can be written off to “having a bad day,” “not feeling well,” “having PMS,” or “testing you to see how far they can go”—pushing their limits with you.
The second time it happens is horrible, but it can be attributed to “a life crisis” (such as job problems, problems with children or with family members excluding you, health issues involving anything from a cold to impotence, menopause, or a life threatening illness). But the third time it happens, there are no more excuses. You're out! Leave!

Enough Is Enough! Knowing When to Retreat

When is the verbal war over? How do you know if you were the winner or the loser? The answer is simple. If you have used up all of the verbal defense strategies in the last two chapters, and nothing has worked, it’s time to retreat. This means “unplug.” Get away from the extremely toxic verbal abuser. Run. Run as fast as you can!
Run for your life.
Some individuals are similar to drug addicts on PCP. It’s very difficult, if not impossible, to quell their bizarre and often violent and intensely destructive behavior (like running naked down the street). They develop the strength of ten men, to the point that in many cases they are impermeable. They are literally like “Supermen” who can’t be defeated by the usual methods. They are physically resistant to pain, perhaps because the alteration in their biochemistry doesn’t register the sensation of pain.
Because individuals on PCP are usually a danger to themselves and to society, great efforts are made to capture them and lock them up. Several law enforcement officers report that such individuals are so strong that it can take up to twelve officers to subdue them. Additional reports claim that they easily burst open their handcuffs and chains and can even bend the bars of their jail cells.
Similarly, if none of your verbal strategies worked to subdue the verbal bully, you need to cut your losses and move on; otherwise, like people on PCP, they can annihilate you.
If you have done everything, from giving them love and kindness to giving them hell and yelling a them, and if none of the techniques could soften or change the verbal bully’s behavior, you have absolutely no other recourse than to run for your life!

“Give ‘Em Hell and Yell” Strategy.

Similar to the Mirror Strategy, the Give ‘Em Hell and Yell Strategy allows people to see how verbally toxic they are. Although we have been conditioned that it’s not nice to scream and yell at people, there are times when you have no choice. You are at your wit’s end. You’ve tried everything else and the verbal vulture still doesn’t “hear” you.
There is nothing else to do but “let ‘em have it!” Go for it! Be as loud and angry as you want. Let your face turn red and the veins in your neck pop out and pulsate. Yes, you can even say a four-letter word or two and contort your face to look like a monster. The key is to say anything (short of threatening their livelihood or their life) to get out the anger and frustration that you have towards them. Don’t keep any of it in! Open the flood gates and let it roar! It gives you permission to act like a wild tiger. Yes, you read correctly, I said that it was okay to use cuss words (but don’t make a habit of it). Doing so, and “shocking” them into listening to you, might be the only way you can get them to finally hear you.
A big word of CAUTION! Never use any of these strategies in conjunction with your hands, arms, fists, legs, feet, or teeth. Never use any weapons (knives, forks, guns, rifles, machine guns, or hand grenades) whatsoever, even if it’s only done for effect, to threaten or scare your verbally offensive opponent. The potential consequences can be horrific!

Verbally Mirroring the Foe Strategy

In describing the strategy of Verbally Mirroring the Foe, many of you might argue, “I couldn't do what they did. I would never think of stooping to their level.” I understand your point. However, guess what? If you don't
stoop to their level, how are they going to hear you? How are they going to know when their verbal behavior is unacceptable?
By stooping to their level, you are forcing your verbal perpetrators to see their ugly words reflected back to them. You are, in essence, their “verbal mirror.”
One of my attorney clients was negotiating a deal over the telephone with another attorney who was verbally hostile and abusive. My client could not get a word in edgewise as the verbally toxic adversary hogged up the entire conversation, shouting obscenities, and screaming and yelling. All of a sudden, my client pulled the phone away from his ear and began to bark like a dog. Stunned, the abusive adversary stopped talking and asked “What did you say?” My client continued to bark like a dog. He then stopped and said, “That is exactly what you sound like—a barking dog. Now Mr. Jones, you and I are both highly qualified, well-trained, civilized professionals. Let's act that way and speak intelligently and quietly so that we can each listen carefully to what the other is trying to say and come to an amicable resolution.”
My client merely gave Mr. Jones a glimpse of himself in the verbal mirror. He certainly didn't like what he heard. It was obvious that Mr. Jones had no clue that he sounded like a barking dog when he negotiated. But he certainly became aware of it and has subsequently made it a point to listen and not “bark” at other attorneys— at least not as much as before!
A taste of their own verbally toxic medicine is often all they need to make them aware of how poorly they come across to others. In fact, because they often don't even realize it, look at using this strategy as doing them a favor!

Keep Your Cool

If your livelihood has been threatened, never resort to physical violence or perpetrating physical harm against someone. Reread this section. Other alternatives are more effective and more productive! So read on and you will discover what these alternatives are and how to use them.
In light of the repeated school killings in which young students (children) have shot their peers to death, threats should always be taken seriously, whether or not they are just made in the moment of anger. We have, unfortunately, seen the aftermath of what happens when threats are not heeded.
The moral of all of this is that, no matter how angry you get, never threaten anyone—not even in jest. You are risking being taken to jail. You are risking the financial ruin of having to go through a lengthy court battle. And most important of all, you are risking your life!

Never Threaten One's Basic Needs!

“You'll never work in this town again.” “I will ruin you.” “I will make sure everyone knows about this.” “I will get you fired.” “I will sue you for everything you've got.” “When I'm done with you, you won't have a penny left to your name.” “You'll be living on the streets.” “I'll make sure you starve to death.”
These types of verbal threats are often made in anger. People making these threats don't even think twice about the implications of what they have said. They just know that they are hopping mad and that these threats are the best way for them to let off steam. They have no clue about the impact of their words or the possible resounding consequences.
It is extremely dangerous to threaten people by holding the threat of their basic existence up to them. In the classic book The Hierarchy of Needs, the famed psychologist Abraham Maslow discusses human being's basic need for air, food, and shelter.
When these basic needs are threatened, the consequences can be devastating. Biologically, it triggers basic survival instincts, such as the fight-or-flight mechanism. When this happens, the results are not pretty; they are pretty devastating. Through the ages, people have been killed for making verbal threats against one's basic needs.
To repeat: Never, under any circumstances, make threats to people, especially when it pertains to their livelihood! Tempers can flare to the point that they become out of control, and the results can be deleterious.

Fantasy Strategy—an Alternative to Physical Violence.

If you are so angry that you can spit nails, or you feel as though steam is coming out of you ears and you are thinking that no matter what happens to you, you're gonna do someone in—don't! Instead, use this strategy immediately! Fantasize about what you'd like to do to them. See it in your mind, feel it, hear it. Just don't do it in real life! I can't give you any specific ideas here in terms of what to imagine. These fantasies must come out of your own mind and your own anger. If they are gruesome, run with it mentally. As you see the images in your mind, you will be surprised at how much better you will feel and how much less enraged, even relieved. You will feel like you have released the pressure-cooker tension from your physical being.
Another alternative is to watch the fights on television or even to go and see a boxing match. As the winner is punching the loser with repeated blows, picture your enemy's face being pummeled by the winner. Don't think this is weird. We have all unknowingly used the Vicarious Fantasy Technique when we watch our favorite superstar heroes beat the living daylights out of someone on screen. Next time you're watching one of these films, just think of what a thrill it would be to see the hero doing what he's doing on screen to your adversary. It's a lot more acceptable than living this scenario in real life.

Never, Ever Use Physical Violence!

Your hands, legs, body, and teeth are completely off limits! The only time you can use your teeth is when they are used in conjunction with your tongue and your lips and allow you to speak to someone—never to physically hurt someone.
No matter how angry you get at what someone said, the consequences of physical violence are not worth enduring. There is no excuse whatsoever for physical violence. If you feel as though you are coming close to beating someone up over what they said, please don't do it! Before you get ready to do it, take your breath in, hold it, and blow, blow, blow all your air out instead of blowing someone's brains out!

Keep It Above the Belt

Sometimes, the public’s rage at the fighter’s injustices to the other fighter become so inflamed that the fighting extends to those outside the boxing arena. Look what happened at Madison Square Garden when fighter Riddick Bowe was repeatedly punched below the belt by Ron Goletta, a known dirty fighter who was warned about his tactics. Each time Bowe was hit in the groin, the fans felt his pain too. After Goletta was finally disqualified, all hell broke loose, literally. Fans mobbed the ring. Chairs were flying. Managers and fight personnel were beaten. Innocent bystanders were physically flung out of the ring. Countless fights broke out in the stands, with stranger pummeling stranger. People were injured, people were arrested, people were jailed, all because of dirty fighting—literally being hit below the belt.
Hitting someone below the belt is not confined to the boxing ring. It happens on a daily basis in people’s homes, offices, at social gatherings, and even on the street. We know all too well about hitting below the belt in communities that suffer extreme gang violence. A verbal insult about someone’s mother or girlfriend, which is definitely hitting below the verbal belt, can result in the insulator being killed.
In anger, people bring up things you never knew about (for example, your husband’s three-year affair, communicated to you in hostile, angry terms). They bring up things you thought they never knew about (the time you went to jail for stealing a car when you were 18, for instance) They bring up and uncover horrible things that happened in your life where only extensive psychotherapy or religious devotion have allowed you to cope with the guilt and live one day at a time (such as when your girlfriend got killed in a motorcycle accident, while you were driving).
These verbal cuts are the deepest and hurt the most. In many cases, these cuts will never heal. There is too much resulting pain. There is so much blood coming from the verbal wound that your relationship is gone forever—dead!
Even if someone is a dirt bag of a fighter, you don’t have to join in and follow suit. It’s not going to make you feel any better throwing verbal bombs at him. He has to live with the devastation he has done to you. Don’t add insult to your injury and have the additional burden of living with the emotional devastation you caused them. Take solace in knowing that what goes around usually comes around.

Fight Clean and Fair!

A verbal warrior who fights dirty is the absolute worst! With a dirty fighter, there is little or no hope in your attempts to win the communication battle.
Dirty verbal fighters can cause a melee. Often they will hit you so far below the belt that you'll reel in emotional pain forever.
In the boxing ring, if a professional fighter fights dirty by hitting an opponent below the belt, or does something really dirty (like biting off an opponent's ear), that fighter will be disqualified.

Strategy of Loud Verbal Explosions!

Speaking in a loud and clear voice gives you a lot of verbal and vocal power. People listen. In order to get a verbally abusive person to curtail hurling her abuse in your direction, you can often deflect her verbal bullets with sound, especially if that sound is loud and booming.
You will definitely throw her off balance, which, as in martial arts, is a winning move! It certainly gets her attention and shocks her into stopping—at least for the moment.
Her startled response has been put into action, causing her nervous system to work overtime and to be thrown off balance. She is thrown off balance mentally as well. She saw you in one speed, and here you go changing gears! She definitely wasn't expecting that! Unless she is completely deaf, you have gained the upper hand and come out ahead in another verbal battle.

“Excuse Me? Are You Talkin' to Me?”

Even more intimidating to the verbal perpetrator is using the classic lines that Robert DeNiro's character, Travis Bickel, spoke in the Martin Scorsese film Taxi Driver: “Excuse me? Are you talkin' to me?” indicating that he was armed and ready for action.
It has become a catch phrase. In basic terms, it is a warning signal. It means “I heard what you said. You disrespected me. I didn't like it! So don't even think of talking to me like that again.”
This immediately lets people know that you are serious and you have no patience for their ill verbal treatment of you. This being the case, do not smile while you make this powerful statement or give a nervous laugh afterward. Say it loud and clear so you will be heard. Your loud, clear voice resonating these words in their ears are destined to wake them up, shake them up, and shut them up!

Unacceptable things

This is the best phrase to use when someone is trespassing your verbal limits. Say it in a firm, projected tone so that you will be heard! Do not laugh when you say it! Do not smile or have a “matter of fact” expression on your face! Do not giggle! Do not use a high pitched voice! Don’t say it as a question, sounding tentative as you go up at the end of the word “unacceptable.” Do not pepper this phrase with filler words such as “like,” “um,” and “you know!” Finally, do not mumble. Draw out your vowels when you speak these three words.
In continuing to let someone know that he has over-stepped his bounds, you can then go on to explain what it was that you didn’t like about what he said to you. Try not to get out of control, screaming and yelling. Instead, talk calmly, yet firmly, so that there is no question that you meant what you said and said what you meant.
Never deviate from what you said!
Therefore, you need to watch out for verbally toxic behavior that someone may once again repeat.

Verbally Setting Firm Limits

Frequently, those who become victims of verbal crime are in the situation they are in because they don’t set strict verbal limits with the verbal perpetrator. If they do set limits about how a person can talk to them, they often won’t enforce those requirements. As a result, the verbal perpetrator loses respect and doesn’t take what the person says seriously.
One of the biggest miscommunications occurs when a verbal victim cries out, “I told him time after time not to say what he says to me and cut me down, but he keeps saying it anyway.” When you first hear a victim report this, you feel like punching the verbal perpetrator in the nose. However, upon closer examination you find out that although the victim really did tell him to stop bringing up that sensitive topic and stop putting her down, she neglected to report that she made this request while giggling and laughing, using a coquettish girlie tone.
In no way was the message conveyed to “Cease and desist! Immediately!” At times (like when she began to cry), he would get the message, but then he would retreat to his old ways. He never took her seriously. In fact, upon questioning him about her tears in regard to his verbal abuse he sloughed it off by saying, “It was probably her PMS kicking in.”
Granted he sounds like a jerk, and granted it is not appropriate to blame the victim. But in this case we see how, if she doesn’t adamantly stand up for herself so that he truly hears her, thereby causing him to show some verbal respect for her, the effect is that she will continue to suffer hearing his verbal abuse.
She needs to speak up—not giggle and laugh—but really speak up in a manner that will perk up his ears once and for all and cause him to change his obnoxious behavior. Most important of all, she needs to be consistent if he falters and attempts to revert to his old ways.
The tone and words you choose definitely let the person know that you mean business. It lets him know that he can never again say what he just said to you.

Don’t Just Stand There—Do Something!

Whatever you decide to do, do something. Even if you choose to simply walk away, don’t ignore how the verbal abuser’s words made you feel. Unless you are a zombie or an alien from another planet, you have feelings that will emerge following this psychologically traumatic event, although you might not realize it at first as you slough off what happened.
Later on, you might develop a type of post-traumatic verbal shock syndrome. If you don’t deal with your feelings immediately, you will have to deal with the emotional consequences later. So talk about what happened to you—what awful things someone said to you and how he or she said it. Tell all your friends, your family, your clergy, and your therapist. These people will support you.

Protecting the Other Cheek

Perhaps they say that they would simply walk away because they feel that they are “peace-loving” people and that’s what peace lovers should say—at least publicly.
There are others who walk away because of their religious teachings. They have been raised to turn the other cheek when someone doesn’t treat them right.
I don’t want to sound cavalier or irresponsible or insult anyone’s religious views. In fact, I endeavor to respect everyone’s religious views. So do not in any way misinterpret what I am about to say.
Turning the other cheek does not mean to turn the other cheek so that you can be slapped again on the other side of your face. As I and many people in the clergy see it, turning the other cheek means turning the other cheek away from the verbal tormentor so that you can be proactive and move on, and never let anyone verbally abuse you again.

Never Walk Away When You Have Something to Say!

Ask a group of people what they would do if someone had just verbally assaulted them and continued to verbally abuse them. Inevitably you will hear the following, unfortunately very common response. “I’d just walk away.” If you give them a clearer, more descriptive picture of the verbal perpetrator’s heinous actions, the response would still stay the same, only some people would probably pipe up “I’d ignore them!”
Well, guess what? You can’t ignore it! It’s there. It’s right in front of your eyes. It haunts you later. You hear the voices, you see the vision, you feel the pain. If you ignore it now, it will come back to haunt you later through physical and mental anguish.

“What's Good About You” Strategy

If you tell your child he is good even if he is a little terrorist tormenting everyone and leaving a path of destruction in his wake, he often acts better, especially around you. Since you have good expectations for him, he will often follow suit.
This is no different when you tell grown-ups how good they are and discuss their good points. Doing so, you gain the upper hand and control over the situation. Who wouldn't want to hear good things about themselves?
This usually stops them in their tracks and they begin smiling. Even though they know they have been bad, the fact that you still manage to see something good in them makes them feel pretty good about you. If they are feeling good about you, it is more difficult for them to verbally attack you.

Heart-in-Hand Strategy

Dating back to ancient Roman times, when Rome was busy trying to conquer the world, anyone who met up with the Romans was concerned about weapons they might be hiding. Thus, when the Romans placed their hand over their heart to express their sincerity, respect, and liking toward the person, one could readily see that the person was safe (at least at that moment), because there was no weapon in the potential opponent's hands.
In this century, this gesture has come to express extreme passion and feeling toward another person. More currently, it expresses passionate love but also despair, a “heaviness of the heart.” Therefore, when you lovingly converse with your verbal opponent with this gesture, especially one whom you really love, you have the advantage. Subconsciously, they are getting the cue of how deeply they have affected you. Usually this mitigates their verbally toxic behavior.