Hey! Don't Take It Out on Me!

Many people are so frustrated with their own lives that they let out their frustration in the worst way. Unfortunately, that worst way may be towards you. You may be the recipient of the “kick the cat” syndrome. This syndrome is named for the old adage about someone who had a hard day or a misfortune. He comes home and looks to take out his anger on anyone who happens to be there. Unfortunately, the only creature present is the cat. This angry person literally kicks the cat in order to let out his anger and frustration, even though the cat has nothing to do with his frustrations.

Verbal murderers may kick you or someone else who is in their way—not physically, but emotionally. Their boss yelled at them, and they had to take it or risk being fired. Because you are a friend or a family member, however, they have no qualms about taking out their frustrations on you. They do this by being short-tempered with you. For example, you call them at work to let them know that you miss them and would like to take them to lunch. Before you can get a word out, they blurt out gruffly and impatiently, “Didn't I tell you not to call me at work? What do you want?” At this point, the only thing you want is to get off the phone with them and never see them again.

All too often, people who are close to us take the liberty of treating us the worst by unloading their anger onto us. You must never ever let them do this to you. Later on in this book, you will learn what to say in order to defend yourself in this uncomfortable situation.

Why Does Verbal Murder Happen?

People become verbal murderers for several reasons. Some murderers act unconsciously—they couldn't tell you why, but something deep within their psyches allows them to act in such a “toxic” manner. Other murderers are quite conscious. They know exactly why they speak to you the way they do. The following section explores both the subconscious and conscious reasons for verbal murder.
All too often, people who say and do ugly things to you have no idea why they treated you that way. Even if you sit them down and ask them point blank why they act as they do, they can't answer you. They know only that for some unknown reason, you seem to bring out the worst in them, perhaps stimulating their deepest fears.

What Is Verbal Murder?

Verbal abuse leads to verbal murder—the killing of one's spirit, self-esteem, dignity, and self-respect through emotionally hurtful words and phrases. The aim of verbal murderers is to make you feel bad. The difference between verbal murderers and verbal abusers is that murderers are relentless. They abuse repeatedly until they have done irreparable emotional and even physical damage to their victim. If the verbal abuse mentioned in Verbal murderers can be anyone with whom you have ever come in contact who have made you feel less than human, by the constant horrible things they have said to you and about you. They usually are people so full of self-loathing or self-hatred that they spew their venom on anyone who happens to be in their path.
Verbal murderers come in all shapes, colors, sizes, and religions. They cross all cultural, sexual, racial, ethnic, and age barriers. They are from all walks of life and are seen in virtually every profession and in every country in the world.
Half of the verbal murderers know exactly what they are doing. They are very conscious about their motives. The other half murder automatically or unconsciously. Later in this section, we learn both the conscious and unconscious reasons why they emotionally kill.

Verbal Icicles

These people withhold their words. They are some of the most difficult people to be around, because you never know what they are thinking. They never seem to react. If there is a building crumbling behind them or they just won a million dollars in the lottery, they remain the same—emotionless. They are so frustrating to be around because you can never get a read on what is going on with them or how they feel about a particular situation.

In actuality, they mostly live in fear. They are afraid to say the wrong thing or afraid to say something that may upset someone, so they keep quiet. They speak when spoken to. As a child, they were often brainwashed by the mantra, “be seen but not heard,” or consistently told to “shut up!” They often lack social graces, which further compounds their insecurities.

Even though they are quiet and unassuming, beware! They may unfreeze one day and let out emotions that would scare the most ferocious beast. Withholding words and emotions from you is definitely a major act of cruelty.

To say that they are inexpressive is an understatement. Sometimes you wonder if they are brain-damaged or mute. They often have a vacant look. They are often rigid in their facial and body movements. They speak in monotones or in short clipped phrases. If they should happen to unload, be prepared for someone who won't shut up or who is ranting and raving in loud, uncontrolled tones. As they let out their stored-up verbal poisons, their reactions and words may sound more extreme and hostile than the words of those who let out their emotions regularly.

Liars

Liars are one of the most verbally abusive people, because they don't respect you enough to tell you the truth. Liars often lie for different reasons. Some lie to make themselves feel as though they are more than they really are, so that you will have more respect for them. These liars are extremely insecure. Others lie because they are cowardly and can't face the results of their negative actions. Nobody likes a liar. Nobody likes to be fooled, hoodwinked, or disrespected.

On the other hand, people may not tell the truth because they may not want to hurt your feelings. For example, if you have an ugly baby that you happen to think is cute, and you ask people what they think, don't expect them to tell you how ugly the baby is and ask you “where's its tail?” This form of lying can be good and socially acceptable, and we are not concerned with it.

Note that pathological liars are extremely difficult to detect. Being only human, however, they often slip up. If you suspect they are lying, try to check their story by verifying it with other people and by gathering hard evidence.

Guilt-Producing Accusers

Guilt-Producing Accusers make you wrong to make themselves right. But unlike the Verbal Nazis, who use anger in their attempt to control you, these people use guilt. They let you know that you made a big mistake and that you should feel bad about it and pay. Often the payment is groveling or saying you're sorry a million times. Still that may not appease them. They usually bring up your “crime” at some inopportune time as further ammunition as to why you made them feel so bad. They are perennial “victims” who feel that everyone is doing them wrong. They try to manipulate you by hitting one of your emotional weak points to make you feel just as bad as they do. They usually hold a grudge against you for a long time.

When you hear phrases like “You always…,” “You make me…,” “Why do you always…,” “What you did to me…,” or “Why don't you ever…,” then you know you have been exposed to someone whose aim is to make you responsible for something in their life that upsets them. They speak in absolute terms. They say just about anything and even resort to crying in order to get you to “feel bad for what you did.” It seems as though nothing you can say can appease them, as they tend to go on and on about the woe you “caused” them.

Verbal Nazis—My Way or Else!

These people must have order and control in their lives or they cannot function. They don't realize on a conscious level that there is no way that one can control another person. In their frustration, they become angrier and downright verbally hostile. They are definitely not team players and have a difficult time getting along with others, especially in the work environment. These people usually go from job to job. They set themselves up for a life of disappointment as they are never able to “go with the flow.”
They are one of the most difficult verbal abusers to be around, as they believe that “it's my way or the highway.”
Verbal Nazis are very immature. Like four-year-olds, if you don't do it their way they have a tantrum. The reason why these people have to be in control is that they cannot function in a world where everything is not exactly the way they like it. They are recognized by their adamant and emphatic tones. They are poor listeners and often dismiss or argue with whatever you say, especially if it disagrees with them. Their volume increases when they don't get their way.
They speak in command terms, threaten, and may even scream, yell, or curse at you.

Yellers, Screamers, and Ragers

These people are extremely out of control, to the point that they cannot talk to anyone unless they're yelling or screaming at them. They have a volcano of inner rage within them that they constantly spew forth.

Unfortunately, their hot lava melts down everyone they speak to. You can always tell the Yellers, Screamers, and Ragers even if they aren't engaging in these verbal activities in your presence. They often sound hoarse. When they speak, you can usually see the veins of their neck popping out. They can also be recognized by their loud, clipped, attacking, bullet-like staccato tones. Obviously, these are extremely angry people who need to work out all of their deep-seated inner rage in a therapeutic situation.

“You're No Good!” People.

Deep down, these people really think that they themselves are no good, so they try to project their own selfloathing onto you. They are constant critics who attempt to find fault with you. They point out only your negatives.
Often when a relationship grows close and barriers are broken down, this “You're No Good” syndrome may emerge. It is usually because the person doesn't feel worthy of you or the relationship. They may also be competitors and trying to get a “leg up” on you by showing you every fault you have.
These people are often gloom-and-doomers. They often walk around with a tight and extended lower lip, furrowed brow, and an unhappy heart. They are miserable people who don't have enough self-worth. They often speak in hostile, angry, clipped tones. Giving you a compliment is an extreme rarity. They may speak nicely to others but their verbal wrath is meant for you.

“I Love You—I Hate You” People

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't when you're dealing with these people. They appear mostly in romantic relationships and in relationships with children. Perhaps the cruelest thing one can do to a child, something that can leave permanent emotional scars and traumatize the child, is to give love and then take it away with such extreme rage and anger. The roller coaster ride of emotions with these people in intimate relationships can be devastating for both parties involved. Although there are some relationships that thrive on this high drama, it isn't healthy. They really don't hate you, even though they may say they do in a moment of rage. In fact, they may feel extremely passionate, bonded, and close to you.

These people often have mental problems, such as a bipolar disorder, which means that unless they are medicated, they may love you one day and find fault with you the next. They are emotionally confusing to be around and can drive you crazy. That is why they are often referred to as “crazy makers.” Such a person is too flowery and tends to speak on two extremes: things are either black or white. There are no shades of gray.

Sneaky Underminers

These people are some of the most dangerous people you can talk with. They have a lot in common with Instigators; however, they try to undermine you in a more subtle manner. Instead of doing it in front of you, like the Instigator does, they do it behind your back. They smile a lot when they talk to you and usually acquiesce to what you say—all the while trying to pick up morsels of information that they can use against you and stab you in the back with. They try to make you feel so comfortable around them that you can't help but freely open up to them.

They always try to reinterpret whatever you have said, but they use a negative slant. Then they tend to share this misinterpreted data with others. The Sneaky Underminers are passive-aggressive and can never be trusted.

Condescending Dismissers

Condescending Dismissers think that they know it all. You can't tell them anything, because they think they have all the answers. Your opinion doesn't matter. They are snob-like in their attitudes as they brush you and your opinions off as if they were lint. The way they ignore you or put you down in subtle and not-so-subtle ways can make you feel two inches tall.

When they speak to you, their tones are impatient and their speech pattern appears to be clipped. They just want to “get on with it.” Their tones, along with what they say, are arrogant. They talk at you, not with you. They will usually try to diminish, minimize, or brush off anything you try to contribute to the conversation.
These people have an over-inflated ego and under-inflated self-esteem. Otherwise they wouldn't treat others as they do. In essence, they are very shallow individuals who are closed-minded. You can often detect them from their facial language, as they seem to literally look down on you. There is usually a sneer or a look of disgust on their face when they speak to you.

Gossiping, Meddling Instigators

These people enjoy interfering in your personal business by telling you what to do. In order to make situations turn out as they want them to, they will stop at nothing to create their own little soap operas. They often tell you things with an alarmed tone to make you perceive the severity of the problem at hand. To make matters worse, they tell your business to anyone who will listen.

Instigators usually do not have much going on in their own lives—only what commotion they create in the lives of others. They usually begin their wrath by saying things such as “I don't want to pry, but…,” “It's none of my business, but…,” “I think you should know that…” or “I happened to hear that….” If any of these phrases hit your ears, you know what's coming next. They are usually overzealous in wanting to help or to get involved in your life. They usually speak in rapid tones, which get you enrolled in the immediacy of the situation. Remember that if a person is gossiping to you about others, chances are that you are next on the list to be gossiped about.

Interrogators

After you have been around these people, you feel as though you have been placed under a hot lamp and tortured. It's one thing to be persistent, but these people are relentless. They don't know when to stop. They go on and on asking you questions until they get the answer they want to hear. They will ask you questions in different ways to see if they can catch you in a lie or learn some detail you didn't particularly want them to know. They tend to put you on the defensive, making you feel as though you are guilty, when in fact you might not have done anything wrong. They are also very nosy and want to know everything they can about your business or about your personal life.
These people are so insecure that they need reassurance that everything is the way they feel it should be. When you notice that someone is asking you question after question, nonstop, know that you have met an interrogator. Certain communities refer to them as yentas: they try to suck as much information out of you as they can, so that they can regurgitate it to others. Of course, the

The Self-Consumed

The Self-Consumed discuss only the topic that is most interesting to them—themselves. They go on and on about themselves with disregard as to whether the other person is interested in what they are saying or not. The Self-Consumed will rarely look in your direction when they talk you. They enjoy reliving their lives' experiences by telling you every little detail about what happened to them.

The Self-Consumed require so much attention from others because deep inside they are extremely insecure about themselves. They need constant validation in order to exist. Their speech is primarily consumed by the word “I.” “You” is rarely if ever used. They talk at you, not with you. They are not very helpful or generous, so don't expect them to do anything for you that doesn't benefit them.

Backhanded Complimentors

These people, like the “I'm Only Kidding” people, have some underlying resentment towards you. They really may not like you and may make a cutting remark. Instead of trying to disguise their hostility with humor, like the “I'm Only Kidding” people, they often disguise it by saying something complimentary to you, followed by a cutting remark in their next breath.
In essence, they are demonstrating an openly hostile attitude towards you. The tone of a person's voice is also a giveaway for Backhanded Complimentors. Their voices usually go up in tone at the end of their truly complementary statement, but will immediately inflect their tone downward, slightly lowering their pitch when they are about to let loose with verbal zingers.
These people really resent you or are jealous of you. They are also negative people who often can't let a person know that the person is “too good.” They have to pick on the slightest imperfection. They do it in such a subtle manner that you don't ever know they verbally smacked you until later. Sometimes you don't realize it until moments later, hours later, or even days later.
You begin to mull over what you said and what they said and what you wish you would have said, had you realized what they were saying. This mental mishmash can keep you awake for nights on end. The reason why their zing hits you later is because their initial positive comment is still resonating in your mind as you beam and smile. Then when you have time to think about everything, you really hear what they said.

The Sugary Fawner

People want to hear good things about themselves, but there is a limit. When you are constantly fawned over and praised relentlessly with extraordinary passion and emotion, you need to be careful.
Sugary fawners have a huge smile and are overly excited to see you, gesturing excessively and hovering around you. They tell you wonderful things about yourself that you know are exaggerations. Most of these sugary fawners tend to be insincere and manipulative. Usually they want something from you, and they will break this news to you well after they are in your good graces. Watch how they turn on you when your answer is “no” or they don't get what they want. Suddenly their sugary words and attitude become salty or even bitter. Often the Sugary Fawners make you feel as though you are their best friend. This is often calculated, as they most likely want something from you or want you to do something for them. They often pull the rug out from under you either after they get what they wanted from you or don't get what they want. They will continue to be sugary if they think that they can get more from you. Deep inside, they really might not like you, but they are being overly nice to get what they want from you.
These manipulative tactics date back to infancy. The dynamic of many families is that of manipulating or “bribing” a family member to do something. Parents tell their children, “If you are well behaved, I'll buy you….” Children act cutesy in order to get a certain positive reaction from their parents, which results in positive consequences. If their charm doesn't work, they will often cry or throw a tantrum. Many people carry this manipulative behavior into adulthood. This is how some people deal with the world and with people around them.
They are insincere people who are usually backstabbers. They will often become “Trashers” and sing your failures and weak points to others as opposed to singing your praises and strong points. So beware and be aware!

People Who Throw Back Your Confidences

These people are downright vicious. You may have shared something personal with them—something that would embarrass or destroy you if anyone else knew. You tell this person because you trust them implicitly.
After all, they revealed their innermost thoughts and deep, dark secrets to you. You feel safe and secure. When there is a conflict or a disagreement between the two of you, however, they will reach for a verbal weapon that is well below the belt, something you shared with them in the strictest confidence.
Once they commit the unforgivable act of throwing back in your face something you're so sensitive about, you can never trust them again! It is dangerous to “forgive and forget.” If they did it once, who's to say that they won't do it again? You can never again tell them anything so intimate.
Why did they do it? Because they wanted to use any verbal weapon, no matter how hurtful, to get you back and to win. Deep down, these people may have little or no respect for you. They not only knocked you down, they stomped on you and squished you.
There is another problem with these people: If they threw your confidence back at you, who is to say that they haven't shared your intimacy with others? Obviously, they don't respect you enough to know what is off limits for them to ever bring up.
Some people just can't keep anything inside. They have to tell all about themselves and about anyone who's confided in them. These are people you need to steer clear of. They can verbally destroy you, as they have done to themselves.
Other people tend to know who they are and what they are all about. They don't elicit much respect from others and if you associate with them, you won't elicit respect from others.