Dead Head?

Watch yourself from the neck up and answer these nagging noggin questions.

1. Do you stick your neck and jaw out when you speak?
2. Is your head usually tilted down when you speak?
3. Do you cock your head to the right or left side when you speak?
4. Do you turn your head just a little when speaking to someone, while keeping your body in different position (usually straight forward) from your head?
5. Do you constantly nod your head “yes” or “no” when you speak?

When you stick your neck and jaw forward when speaking or listening, you are perceived as being angry. A downward-tilted head spells insecurity, a lack of confidence, and unworthiness. Cocking the head to one side looks like you doubt what the other person has said. It signifies a contentious and suspicious person with an attitude of “I don't believe you—show me.”
Turning your head and not your body when talking to a person indicates that you are subconsciously keeping your distance from them. They perceive you as not liking or accepting them. Unless you are from another culture, you either have a neuromotor problem or are very suspicious and doubtful about what others say to you. You are perceived as negative and unaccepting or disagreeable. Concurrently, if you nod your head “yes” all the time you are speaking to a person, you appear overly agreeable or as if you are seeking approval by giving unmitigated approval to the person to whom you are speaking.

I Have to Hand It to You

Answer the following questions about your arm and hand movements.
1. Are your arms crossed when you speak?
2. Do your hands and arms flail around when you speak?
3. Do you usually wonder what to do with your hands?
4. Do you use minimal or no hand movement when you speak?
5. Do you use your hands a lot when you speak?
6. Do you always seem to be fidgeting with your hands?
7. Do you feel compelled to touch everything or everyone in front of you, even if they don't belong to you?
Crossing your arms has other connotations besides being closed off to others. It may be perceived as anger and alienation and disinterest in what the other person is saying.
Arm flailers, unless they belong to a culture where this is the norm, come across as angry and hostile. Those who don't know what to do with their hands are perceived as being uncultured, unsophisticated, and insecure.
Those who constantly fidget with their hands are perceived as nervous or anxious. Those who touch everything around them are perceived as annoying, unconscious, unaware, invasive, rude, and out of control.

The Walk of Authority

Videotape yourself walking, or have a friend watch you walk up and down a hallway or across a room. Then answer the following questions.
1. Do you swish and sway when you walk?
2. Do you have a rigid walk, like a soldier?
3. Do you make a lot of noise when you walk?
4. Do you shuffle your feet when you walk?
5. Do you have a tentative, quiet walk?
6. Do you walk too slowly?
7. Do you walk too quickly?
Swishing and swaying while walking has a sexual, seductive connotation. This highly feminine walk may be off-putting to those who are not interested in you sexually.
A rigid, soldier-like march portrays an uptight, alienating, and angry disposition.
People who make a lot of noise when they walk often give the impression of being obnoxious and craving attention. Shufflers are perceived as lazy or insecure or sad and depressed. One who walks too fast appears angry or anxious (always in a hurry). Fast walkers sometimes seem obnoxious, especially if you are walking next to them and they sprint ahead of you. If a man does this to a woman in Western culture, he is perceived as insensitive, chauvinistic, and obnoxious. (Of course, be aware that some people have good reasons for walking quickly. For instance, in the workplace, seeing your boss dash frantically may be a sign not that she's rude but that she overslept for her big sales meeting!)

Posture Evaluation

1. Is your posture stiff and rigid?
2. Is your posture too relaxed or loose?
3. Is your back hunched over?
4. Do you rock back and forth or are you unable to stand still?
5. Do you stand on one leg instead of two?

The next two questions cannot be answered by observing yourself in the mirror or on video. Therefore, think
back to social or business situations you have been involved in when answering them.

1. Do people move away from you when you speak to them because you stand too close?
2. Do people move closer to you because you sit or stand so far away?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you need all the help you can get.
Those with stiff and rigid postures are perceived as being uptight and inflexible, cold and distant—not warm and inviting. These people tend to alienate others, who find them unapproachable and difficult to communicate with.
While it is great to have a relaxed and inviting stance that indicates self-confidence, a posture that is too loose or over-relaxed is perceived as being sloppy and unconfident. It is alienating—who wants to be around a slob who is overly comfortable around you, even if they just met you?
Rocking back and forth is perceived as impatience or anxiousness to leave the scene. It makes others uncomfortable because your constant movements often contribute to their loss of focus and concentration.
Thus, they find it very difficult to talk to you. Other, more compassionate individuals are also uncomfortable and may lose their train of thought around you as they empathize with your anxious need to go to the bathroom or get a drink. Unless you are a flamingo living in Miami or you are physically challenged and posses only one leg, standing on one leg is highly distracting. You are perceived as being in pain from an injured leg. Instead of thinking about the conversation you are engaged in, the other person is wondering what happened to your leg. People perceive you as immature, because children usually present this stance when talking to others, especially when they are uncomfortable around that person. Others may also perceive you as being not attuned to the present situation, or too casual. Having others perceive you in this manner does not elicit trust and confidence in you.
Standing too close to someone, especially if there is not a mutual love connection, makes people uncomfortable for a number of reasons. First, they may become conscious of their possible bad breath or be repelled by your breath or body odor. Secondly, they may shrink back because they don’t want you to get the impression that they are interested in you. They may perceive you as having a lot of nerve or “chutzpah” as you dare to invade their precious space. Remember that in some cultures people stand closer to one another than is comfortable for
Westerners. If someone stands too far away they are perceived as not liking you or being arrogant, snobby, or feeling as though they are better than you. Even if you have a visual problem and can see people clearly only from a distance, no one cares. They still perceive you in a bad light, so move closer!

The Stance of Power.

“Strand up straight!” “Don’t hunch your shoulders!” “Keep your head up!”
Sound familiar? Most of our parents repeated these mantras. Those who took heed have excellent postures today, while those who didn’t have carried poor postural habits into their teens and into adulthood.
Because posture is the first thing people see, it is one of the key components to reflect how others who don’t know you will initially treat you. If you don’t stand straight, giving the impression of self-respect, they may not initially treat you as respectfully as they would someone with better posture.
Perceptual psychosocial studies confirm this. One hundred people were shown photos of people with their head hanging down, rounded shoulders, and stomachs out, while others were shown photos of people with their heads up, shoulders squared and back, and their stomach in. Poor postured people were perceived as less popular, more nerdy, less exciting, less ambitious, and less physically attractive than their straight-postured counterparts.
Look in the mirror or at the videotape of yourself. Now answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions:

Stand Up and Walk the Walk!

It is well documented that if a person stands and walks like a victim, he will be perceived as weak and helpless. This is why statistics show that the person projecting this weak image is more likely to be victimized in a robbery or assault than the person who stands and walks with a confident gait. These individuals project a “don't mess with me” attitude that usually deters the criminal.
Having a posture and walk reflecting only self-assuredness are extremely vital to your victory in the verbal battleground.

Getting Emotionally Naked

Before you step into your verbal battle gear, you need to shed your previous ego armor. Your first step in removing this armor was established when you found out how people in your world looked at you.
Now is the time to objectively look at yourself and listen to yourself, warts and all. It may be uncomfortable at first, largely because you've never done it before.
Know that after you analyze your body language, facial language, the way you speak, and what you say, and when you learn how to rectify and difficulty you may be having in any of those areas, you are well on your way to having all of your equipment intact. This gives you the proper verbal ammunition to charge forward and defend yourself against any verbal vultures.

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

Sometimes you can determine a lot about the way you come across (for example, your facial expressions and your sitting and standing posture) from photographs.
The reason many people don’t like how they look in photos is that there is something about the photos that doesn’t present them in the best light. Aside from certain people photographing better than others because of the angles of certain facial features or the way their bodies are positioned, most people know that something about the photos—they don’t know what—reflects something negative about them.
On careful inspection of this matter, I did a small study in which I asked people to look at photos of themselves taken over time to determine whether they could spot a pattern in the way they sat, stood, or in the way they presented themselves facially.
To get a clearer perception of people’s posture and facial expression, I had them show me some photos of themselves from different times in their lives. Those who consistently hated their photos regardless of when the pictures were taken said that they just didn’t like the way they looked. When I further analyzed their photos, I could see that their posture and their facial expression (a consistently tense smile or serious frown, for example) may have contributed to their negative views of themselves. They also may not have liked the way they looked because of poor self-esteem.

Record a Call

Electronics stores sell special tape recorders that enable you to record your telephone conversation with someone else and play it back later. In many states it is a crime to tape record a conversation without telling the other person. If this is the case in your state, let the person know that the call is being taped so that you can examine how you come across on the phone. Assure your partner that the conversation won’t be used for any purpose other than your own self-analysis, and that the other person’s voice and taped comments won’t be analyzed or given to anyone else. Another way to get the tape recording done is to tape your side of the conversation via an external tape recorder. Make certain that the recorder is located not too far away from you, so that you get a more accurate reading of the way your voice sounds.

No Lies on Videotape

Even though the lighting may not be the best, you can still get true representation of how you come across. Use the same techniques that were suggested in the preceding section, “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.” Make sure that when you videotape yourself standing up and then sitting down, the camera lens is adjusted appropriately. If you want to have a conversation on videotape with another person in the room, make sure that they are not shown in the video by appropriately adjusting the camera.
When you play back the videotape to objectively examine yourself, it is best to do it alone, so that nobody can influence or contribute to your analysis. For example, you don’t want to objectively observe that your shoulders may be rounded when you stand, then have the other person discount your self-analysis by saying something like, “I don’t think they are so rounded.”

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.

Walk up to a full-length mirror and examine the person standing there—you! Observe yourself walking to the mirror. Now stand in front of the mirror as you usually stand and look at that person in front of you. As silly as it seems, turn a tape recorder on next to you and talk to a person who is in the room with you. Explain what you are doing so that the person won’t think you have gone nuts. If there is no one there, get on the speaker phone\ (if you have one) so that your head won’t be cocked against the receiver as you are speaking and listening to the person on the other line. If your phone isn’t next to your full-length mirror, just look in the mirror and start speaking. Ask yourself some questions.
Talk to the “you” in the mirror as you record yourself on the tape recorder. Ask the “you” questions in the second person perspective. For example, don’t ask “What did I do today?” but “What did you do today?” If you don’t know what to say, the “Talk Back!” section that follows has some suggestions you can discuss with yourself. Talk to yourself while standing up and then while sitting down in a chair.
Perhaps you can ask yourself half of the questions in the “Talk Back!” section while standing and the other half
while sitting.
Here are several topics to discuss with yourself in the mirror or on audiotape or videotape:

1. What was the greatest experience of your life?
2. What are your plans for this week and next week?
3. What would be your innermost fantasy for an ideal life?
4. Who are the three people who have most influenced your life, and how did they do it?
5. Describe your ideal mate.
6. Describe an event in detail that you would like to relive.