The Foghorn and the Cat

Where's the Foghorn?
Constant hoarse-sounding or raspy voices aren't necessarily sexy. They tend to reflect a person who is harboring a lot of hidden anger. Often these individuals develop growths on their vocal cords because of their constant misuse and anger. As part of their treatment to eliminate these growths or calluses on their vocal cords, they need to work through their inner rage.

Thylvesther the Cat Thaid What?
Like Porky Pig, Sylvester the Cat has tortured many people who lisp. While lisping or whistling s sounds may be normal in terms of a child's development or may be due to certain dental conditions, if it persists into adulthood there may be a psychological component.
With the exception of those who have dental conditions that lend themselves to lisping (crowns, buck teeth, overbites, underbites, and missing teeth), many cases have not been able to overcome their lisps despite speech therapy. It is not uncommon to find out that these individuals may have suffered some emotional trauma at the age when they were developing the s sound, around six or seven.

“Tha tha that's all, folks!”

Porky Pig's infamous line at the end of cartoons makes me sick, because I have seen firsthand the devastation teasing causes to individuals who stutter or stammer. There is a lot of controversy about what causes stuttering or stammering (repetition or hesitation of words or sounds). Theories include beliefs that this speech behavior is inborn, reflects a neurological condition, is learned, reflects emotional conflict, or stems from being nervous.
We can see how the “nervousness theory” has become so popular, because most of us stutter or have stuttered at one point or another, especially if we have been around someone who makes us feel less than we are or who intimidates us. We often do it in situations that make us nervous, such as talking in front of others. On the other hand, when people hesitate or speak very slowly, you might want to question whether they are telling the truth, because that is another signal when people lie.

The Mouse That Roars.

Those who speak in very soft tones may have hearing loss due to nerve damage, which reflects this type of speech pattern. On the other hand, those with soft voices may be speaking softly because of poor self-esteem and low self-confidence. They may be overly shy and may not feel that what they have to say is very worthy, significant, or important. Because of their low self-worth, most soft or timid speakers can be passiveaggressive.
They may use their soft tones in order to force people to listen to them or to get attention from others as they are asked to “speak up.” In essence, they may be speaking so low for “effect,” in order to gain the upper hand by forcing people to listen closely to what they have to say. By speaking as softly as a mouse, they are usually not letting out any of their true emotions.

Tones Ready to Verbally Attack You

People who attack and speak to you in verbal bullets like a machine gun are angry at you, at themselves, or at the world. Stay clear of them. Oftentimes, their verbal hostility makes you react with equally hostility towards them. They may even be unconscious that they sound as hateful as they do and may question why you are speaking in such a hostile tone to them.
The same holds true for excessively loud talkers. In addition to their hostility, unless they have a conductive hearing loss, those who speak so loudly are often insecure, need a lot of attention, and crave to be noticed. This is also the case for men who have deep rich resonant voices but amplify the tone by speaking too loudly— especially in situations where everyone can hear them. Bullies often attack their tones in addition to being loud and obnoxious.

Squeaking or Leaking?

If you encounter women who speak in a high-pitched, breathy, sickeningly sweet, accommodating vocal tone, run for your life! Women who speak to you in high-pitched, little-girl tones usually think they are being cute, girlish, and coquettish. This voice pattern usually reflects a great deal of inner hostility and passive aggressiveness.
If you hang around these people long enough, don’t be surprised to hear the pitch of their voice drop down a few octaves. Watch them spew forth verbal lava from their once-delicate mouth.
A woman’s high-pitched squeak can be extremely annoying and elicit a hostile reaction from others. I have witnessed this on several occasions. On one occasion, a squeaky-voiced store manager kept saying things over the loudspeaker until a patron screamed out “shut up, you’re getting on my nerves. You sound like a damn chipmunk.” Everyone who heard this bold man was in stitches. They felt the same way about her, but they dared not say anything.
When you hear the pitch of the voice (especially a man’s voice) rising, you may want to consider the veracity of what the man is saying. This is often a “leakage” of one of the factors that constitutes whether a person is lying or telling the truth.

Telling Tones

After studying the way people communicate for nearly two decades, I have discovered that the tone of one’s voice may be the most important factor in determining how someone really feels about himself and about you.
What goes on in one’s head and in one’s heart is clearly reflected in the tone of his voice. Before discussing what voice and speech pattern may reflect about how people feel about themselves or you, note that many speech and vocal conditions result from genetic conditions or learned behaviors. For example, those who sound nasal may not be lazy, snobby, or condescending people, instead they may be suffering from a cleft on their palate (the roof of their mouth). On the other hand, they may be from an area of the country where the only way they learned to speak was nasal.
For the most part, those who speak in boring, monotonous tones are closed off emotionally and have many unresolved psychological issues. These people have difficulty initiating and maintaining intimate relationships because it is so difficult for others to “get a read on them” and communicate openly and freely with them.

Listening Between the Lines

Just as you absorb people with your eyes, you need to absorb them equally with your ears to determine who they are and whether they can help you or harm you. You not only need to listen to what is said, but how it is said. How people speak to you is just as revealing as how they physically act around you.
After studying the way people communicate for nearly two decades, I have discovered that the tone of one's voice may be the most important factor in determining how someone really feels about himself and about you. What goes on in one's head and in one's heart is clearly reflected in the tone of his voice. Before discussing what voice and speech pattern may reflect about how people feel about themselves or you, note that many speech and vocal conditions result from genetic conditions or learned behaviors. For example, those who sound nasal may not be lazy, snobby, or condescending people, instead they may be suffering from a cleft on their palate (the roof of their mouth). On the other hand, they may be from an area of the country where the only way they learned to speak was nasal.
For the most part, those who speak in boring, monotonous tones are closed off emotionally and have many unresolved psychological issues. These people have difficulty initiating and maintaining intimate relationships because it is so difficult for others to “get a read on them” and communicate openly and freely with them.

Hand-to-Hand Combat

The way that people shake your hand tells you a lot about them and how they feel about you. It is, however, important to note that a handshake is also cultural. In Japan, bowing is the mode of greeting and saying goodbye. When Japanese are forced into communicating with Americans, their handshake is often soft and fishlike. This is because they may feel uncomfortable and tentative, as it is an act that is out of their usual social norm. Outside of the Japanese culture, however, a light and soft handshake usually means that the person is timid or unsure of himself, or of you. It may also indicate submissiveness. In contrast, a firm handshake may indicate self-confidence or confidence in you. If however the handshake is too firm, where the person is squeezing your hand too tightly, they may be trying to establish dominance or power over you. An overly firm handshake may also reflect an inner hostility towards you. Unless the person’s arm is disabled, if you extend your hand and she doesn’t accept it, or refuses to acknowledge it, she may be saying that she really can’t stand you and that she wants nothing to do with you; this is an extremely hostile act.
A clammy or wet hand often reflects nervousness, however there are some cases where the person may have a medical condition that causes excessive perspiration.

Armed with Arms and Hands.

Fiddling with one’s hands, tapping fingers, rubbing the fingers together, picking the cuticles, or biting one’s fingers or nails often indicates nervousness or discomfort in a situation.
Crossing arms often indicates hostility, as does putting the hands on both hips, finger pointing, rapid and uncontrolled arm and hand movements, and clenching of the fists.

Excessive, overly dramatic arm and hand movements may indeed be cultural, but pay close attention, because the person may be expressing irritation with you in trying to be overly convincing in an attempt to sway your opinion.

Crossing and uncrossing the arms usually means that you or what you have just said bore the listener. When someone is really frustrated, he may gesture excessively with his hands and he may point if he is both angry and frustrated. If he is extremely annoyed, he may put his hands on his head and rub the head.

It is essential to note that if someone is just giving up and submitting to you, they may indicate this by throwing their hands up in the air. If someone can’t seem to make a decision, they may open and shut their hands, or there may be one hand, then the other, in motion. This act will usually be repeated several times in succession.

Stand Up!

People's posture can convey their attitude regarding how they feel about us and how they feel about themselves. For example, a person with a low self-image may often slouch. If he doesn't slouch around others, but slouches around you, he may be demonstrating his feelings of subservience or intimidation by “minimizing” himself in your presence. If someone is really attentive to you, he will usually lean forward with straight spine, arms open. If he is relaxed around you, he will lean back with his head positioned upwards and limbs relaxed. A person who is interested in you will have his body turned towards you, while his lack of interest in you will be reflected in his body being turned away from you.
If she is bored or nervous around you, she will usually cross and uncross her legs; rock back and forth while sitting or standing; stretch; or fiddle with her hands, and tap her fingers or feet. Her body may be tense, rigid if she is nervous, and have a seemingly uncontrollable shake. Foot-tapping indicates nervousness and anxiety. If you have hurt someone or made them sad, his body will be overly loose, with slow and deliberate movements. On the other hand, if he is standing too still or has a rigid posture, he may be uptight and nervous.
If his posture is rigid and he is backing away from you, chances are he can't wait to get away from you.

Body Talk

Just as the face tells no lies, neither does the body. Like we use our faces, we use universal signals in order to get our message across, signals that transcend different cultures. The physical distance we keep, the way we stand, our arm and hand movements, our head position, how we shake hands, and how we touch tells us if there is a verbal enemy among us.

Keep Your Distance!
We know whether people like being around us by how physically close or distant they are. People who inch away from you as you inch towards them don't feel the same towards you as you do towards them. They feel uncomfortable around you and want to get away. People who invade your space by getting a little too close may be from another culture, where the norm in communication is such physical closeness, or they may really like you and want to get as close as they can to you. On the other hand, getting too close may be a power trip, where the person is attempting to be dominant over you. Getting too close and invading one's space is an intimidation technique many business people use to gain the psychological “upper hand” in the situation.

Telltale Mouth

The mouth is a barometer of how happy or angry a person is. If someone is grimacing, or tightening or pursing her lips, she is usually frustrated or annoyed with you. If her annoyance with you persists, her facial expression may turn to disgust as she raises her chin and upper lip and wrinkles her nose. If she is unhappy or sad being with you, her face will appear expressionless (with the exception of her eyes and surrounding muscles) and her lower lip will turn downward. If she is nervous around you, you may notice her sucking, biting, chewing, or licking her lips a lot. She may smile nervously, wherein she immediately smiles (often at inappropriate times) and then resumes her normal facial expression.

This is what physically happens to your face when you express the following emotions.
Happiness
Smiling mouth
Cheeks raised
Lips parted
Jaw slightly dropped
Wrinkles around eyes
Eyes relaxed and narrowed

Sadness
Eyebrows raised
Forehead wrinkled
Lower lip depressed—turned
downward
Upper eyelids lowered

Anger
Eyebrows lowered
Hard stare
Lips raised
Open mouth

Disgust
Lower eyelid pushed up
Upper lip raised
Nose wrinkled
Open mouth
Chin raised
Eyebrows lowered
Eyes tensed and narrowed

Surprise
Eyebrows raised
Upper eyelids slightly raised
Mouth open
Jaw drops

Fear
Eyebrows raised
Upper lids raised
Lips stretched
Mouth open
Tense, open eyes

Face Off

Besides a person's eyes, facial movements tell us a lot about how and what people are thinking about us. Approximately 75 percent of our nonverbal communication is done with our face. According to Dr. Paul Ekman at the University of San Francisco, there are approximately six basic emotions that we express through our face: happiness, sadness, anger, disgust, surprise, and fear. No matter what culture you are from—whether New Guinea, China, Africa, or France—these facial expressions are universal. Even though cultural differences still exist, the fact that we all express emotion similarly is one more reason to celebrate the similarities—and not the differences—between people.

Many people, businessmen in particular, have been trained to use a poker face to catch their opponents (and sometimes their colleagues) off guard. If enough time is spent together, however, people's true feelings eventually emerge. The limbic system, located deep within the brain, uncovers our emotions—how we feel. Even if we voluntarily try to control our facial movements to hide our true feelings, the involuntary aspects of the brain eventually take over, unmasking the truth.
The gamut of human emotions is revealed throughout a conversation, so if you pay close attention you will almost always know how the person is feeling at a particular point in the conversation. A conversation might begin with the person's eyebrows raised and head cocked to the side, which reveals that he doubts what you are saying. As you continue to speak, you may then see the corners of his mouth turn up, indicating that he is amused by what you're saying. As the conversation continues, three hours later you may see his slightly flared nostrils, a slightly protruded lower lip.

Here's Looking (or Not Looking) at You, Kid!

Eyes also signal when you can answer a question, or when it's your turn to talk. When you wish to speak, you usually look into a person's eyes. When she looks back at you, that indicates that it is your turn to speak. This eye contact is typically broken for a few seconds when you start to speak. Thus, those who may not relate well to you or who disrespect what you have to say might never reestablish the eye contact, which would indicate that it is again your turn to speak, even after you interject a comment. This type of behavior often occurs with toxic individuals who are bullies, narcissists, or unconscious of anyone but themselves. Other people might always look around the room when they speak, never making eye contact or even gazing in your direction. These people may not be socially adept and may feel uncomfortable or insecure in your presence. If the person looks up toward the sky when they speak, they may be “thinking” or trying to recall something.
Looking from side to side may also indicate “thinking” in addition to being unsure or doubting something. If a person's eyes dart back and forth quickly, they might be nervous or uncomfortable around you. In contrast, constant piercing stares can either debilitate or stimulate. If someone “can't take his eyes off you” and stares right into your eyes without smiling, this is not a good sign. It can be not only disconcerting, but
frightening. This person is furious with you or can't stand you. The length of time he or she stares at you in that manner may indicate the degree of hostility towards you, and your personal safety could be in jeopardy. This is often the case in persons who are completely out of control with extreme mental disturbances and a tendency toward violent reactions. But not all forms of continuous staring without a smile indicate that violence is on the way.
Once, when I was seeing a client, he stopped talking midsentence during our conversation and stared blankly at me for what seemed to be an eternity. This was jarring, and my heart was pounding as I was thinking that he might turn violent at any moment. It turned out that he was having a seizure.
On the other hand, constant staring may indicate that a person is madly in love with you. In this case the pupils enlarge due to a chemical response in the brain and the subsequent action of the autonomic nervous system. When people gaze downward at you, “stare you down,” or look you over from head to toe, they are telling you that they think they are better than you. They are putting you in a weaker position during an argument. When a brow is furrowed, the eyes are narrowed as in squinting, you can be assured that the person didn't like something you said, doesn't like you, or is angry with you.
Opening the eyes widely may indicate that the person is either surprised by something you are saying or is trying to be emphatic about what they are saying to you. Looking down may indicate the person is embarrassed, ashamed or saddened, or has poor self-esteem, not feeling worthy or deserving.
Excessive blinking may reflect insecurity about what the person is trying to project. It may also indicate that a person may not be telling the truth. Lying isn't always determined by whether or not a person looks at you. In fact, good liars can unflinchingly look into your eyes and tell a lie, and even continue to look into your eyes after they are accused. Research shows that when most of us are caught in a lie we will look away and if we are innocent will look at the person, but will not stare in their eyes.

A Machiavellian person will constantly stare into the accuser's eyes—an unnatural behavior where they are consciously attempting to appear as though they have nothing to hide. This may be mistaken for honesty. Therefore eye contact is not the only indicator to use in determining a person's guilt or innocence, but it can be
a significant factor. If someone is looking into the distance, at her watch, or is being distracted by another object, chances are she is bored with what you're saying or not interested in you.

Telltale Eyes

We have all heard that the “eyes are the windows to the soul.” Eyes tell us so much about another person. Our eyes are constantly moving as we think, observe, or speak.
When someone doesn't look at you, what does it really mean? Do you immediately think there is something wrong with you, that he is not interested in you or that he is insecure or lacks confidence? The answer may be any or all of the above. In the following section you learn what someone is really saying to you as you decipher what his eyes are telling you.

Reading Between the Lines

We’ve all heard that you can’t judge a book by its cover. While this adage is partially true—you can’t judge a book’s content by its cover—you can certainly determine a lot of other things from its cover. For instance, when browsing in a bookstore, you can assess whether the book in front of you has been handled by many, few, or no potential readers; and whether it is old or new; expensive or cheap. Similarly, you can determine a great deal about a person just by objectively looking and observing her. Of course, it is odious to judge and to react to people by the color of their skin, their physical stature, hair, height, weight, body, or facial appearance—things they can do little or nothing about, and that have nothing to do with their character. These erroneous and dangerous perceptions breed prejudice and hatred, the cancer of our society. Furthermore they tell you nothing at all about what the person is like. On the other hand, things people can control—the way they act and comport themselves—are appropriate ways to evaluate people. By observing the way people comport themselves and their bodily and facial actions, you can learn a great deal about them, especially in terms of how they relate to you.
When you learn to objectively read between the lines, you will see things about the other person you never noticed before. This information often gives you the added advantage during your interactions, because you no longer merely “look.” Now you will see the truth—what is actually going on.

Freeze and Focus

Remember when you played musical chairs as a child? While the music played, you marched around the chairs, which always numbered one fewer than the number of children who marched around them. When the music stopped you were told to freeze and whoever wasn't positioned in front of a chair was disqualified from the game. That moment of freezing allowed you to assess whether you had a chair in front of you. The same is true whenever you find yourself in front of others. You need to freeze for a moment to assess who the person really is. Just be careful not to go into a catatonic stupor and freeze in some contorted position. Before sizing up your opponent, it is essential for you to initially keep your mind open—a tabula rasa.
You must be objective, putting all prejudices aside. Blow out preconceived notions and open your mind so that you can objectively input the visual and aural information into your mind's computer. Directly face the person. Through your nose, breathe in air for three seconds while you visually take in
information about him. As he speaks, continue this breathing pattern of slowly breathing air in through your nose, holding it for three seconds, and then slowly exhaling it for 10 seconds, until you have comfortably expelled all the air in your lungs. All the time you are breathing the air in through your nose, absorb what the person is doing with his posture, stance, body, arms, hands, and face. As you begin to interact with him, absorb what he is saying and how he says it. As you breathe in the air through your nose, hold it, then slowly exhale it while listening to him. “Stopping” gives you the opportunity to digest and process everything he said. It gives you the valuable time needed to analyze what he is relaying to you and for you to respond accordingly.

Stop, Look and Listen

If you would have stopped, looked, and listened, you would have had a good night’s sleep. You would have seen that your potential “business associate” could not even look you in the eye when speaking with you. When he did manage to look in your direction, his eyebrows were furrowed, and his lips were pursed, tense, and pulled over to one side. You would have seen that he was always leaning away from you, inching farther and farther away anytime you got close to him. His physical gestures and demeanor towards you were completely opposite of those he showed your attractive, shapely assistant when she entered the room. In that case, he moved closer to her, smiled, and was wide-eyed, unable to take his eyes off her as he made some inane comments to her. Had you “listened” more carefully, you would have heard him clearly through his bravado.
You would have noticed that whenever you asked him a poignant question, he never really answered you. He was evasive, continually interrupted you, and changed the subject whenever you tried to probe further. By stopping, looking, and listening, you would have seen ahead of time what was coming. You would have heard his constant bragging as a cue that he was trying way too hard to convince you of how powerful he was. You would not have been so ready to dismiss his sexist remarks about your assistant and other females you discussed—remarks indicating his disrespect for women. You would have interpreted his evasiveness as a sign that he had something to hide. You would have seen his inability to look at you (especially after you asked him a significant question), his squirming, and his distancing himself from you as indications that he felt discomfort around you. In your 20/20 hindsight, you knew all along that not only was he disrespectful towards women, but he was obviously not being honest with you.

Stop, Look, and Listen—Sizing Up Your Opponent.

How many nights have you stayed awake tossing and turning because of an awful, searing comment someone made to you? As you toss and turn, unable to find a comfortable position, you feel like kicking yourself for not saying this or that in retort to the venomous statement. The more you replay the toxic scenario in your mind, the harder you feel like kicking yourself for not following your “gut” instincts about the person. If it makes you feel any better, this scenario has happened to just about everyone over the age of 10. The reason why you didn’t “go with your gut” and act accordingly is because you didn’t take the time to stop, look, and listen. This basic rule of caution for crossing the street is also the basic rule of caution for verbal self-defense. First, stop in your tracks and assess the situation so that you don’t blindly walk into oncoming traffic. Second, look for any oncoming vehicles. Third, listen for any oncoming vehicles that may sneak up on you, maiming or hurting you.
Follow this same procedure with everyone you encounter. First, stop in your tracks and assess the situation so that you don’t step blindly into oncoming verbal traffic. Then look at the entire person. For instance, observe her body language, the distance she is standing away from you, her facial expression, and shoulder, arm, and hand posture and movement. Now you are ready to open your ears and objectively listen to what she says and how she says it to you. This loudly and clearly announces any oncoming verbal assassins who may try to sneak up on you, emotionally maiming you.