Verbal Self Defense Guide

What Men Need to Do

2011-05-31T22:01:00.000-07:00

1. Stop making commands. Make requests instead.
2. Always use the words “please” and “thank you” whenever making a request. Use terms of politeness as often as possible.
3. Use more psychological state verbs to express how you are feeling.
4. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help as soon as possible.
5. Don’t use sarcastic or cutting humor.
6. Don’t interrupt.
7. Don’t take up so much room physically.
8. Have more enthusiasm in your voice. Don’t wear your emotions on your sleeve. Instead, wear them on your vocal tones.
9. Don’t lecture someone—have a dialogue and not a monologue.
10. Look at a person face to face when speaking.
11. Use more descriptive adjectives.
12. Don’t frown when listening.
13. Show more emotional reaction in your face when you speak and listen.
14. Open up more—don’t use one-word responses to answer questions.
15. Don’t keep changing topics midstream in a conversation a woman brings up.
16. Stop fidgeting and rocking back and forth.
17. Disclose more personal information about yourself.
18. Don’t point your finger at people when talking to them, especially when you want to express a point.
19. Apologize immediately if you have done something wrong.

See What I Mean?

2011-05-31T21:59:00.000-07:00

In looking at the differences in the preceding section, it is no wonder that men and women are always at one another’s throats. Little wonder that these misinterpretations of the male and female language result in explosions of tempers and devastation of feelings. It is sad and, when you think about it, also rather amusing. If we had the key to unlock the box of mysteries about how the opposite sex communicates, there would be less divorce, fewer sexual harassment suits, and much less ill will between one another. Now you have some of the tools right at your fingertips.
The next section lists several easy steps men can take to immediately improve their relationships with women, and women with men. I have chosen only some points for each sex, since they represent the differences leading to the most common misunderstandings.
Note than I am not trying to turn men into women and women into men! I am just giving you some things to do if you want to modify your communication patterns when you deem it necessary, in order to get along much better. Of course, these are only suggestions, but rest assured that if you do employ them, you might see some amazing and instant results.

Basic Female 101

2011-05-31T21:37:00.000-07:00

Before a man thinks that the woman is driving him nuts or just having PMS, here are some common communication actions that typify women’s communication patterns. Knowing about them can save the male a lot of unnecessary grief and nurture a more positive and upbeat—and in turn, healthy—relationship.
Body Language:

Assuming a more forward position than men when sitting or listening, and leaning forward. Perception:
caring a lot about what is said; extreme interest.
Having a weaker handshake. Perception: being weak and powerless.
Sitting closer to men. Perception: the woman really likes the man.
Taking up less physical space, and sitting with arms and legs towards the body. Perception: being inhibited and submissive.
Sitting directly in front of a man, and having forward face-to-face contact.

Perception: being extremely interested in the man or being forward. It can also be misconstrued as an uncomfortably confrontational act.
Face Language:

1. Nodding head “yes” even when not in agreement. Perception: Wanting to be liked and accepted.
2. Lowering their head during every negative confrontation. Perception: being weak and submissive.
Providing more animated facial expressions during conversation. Perception: being overly emotional.
Eyes facing the person directly when speaking.

Perception: being forward or even invasive.

Speech and Voice Patterns:

Allowing more interruptions. Perception: being weak.
Ending sentences with a rising pitch, adding a tag ending to a declarative statement, or asking a question when it calls for making a statement (for example, “It’s a nice day?” or “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?”). Perception: being uncertain, weak, not powerful, and not in control.
Using more intensifiers such as “very,” “really,” and “much.” Perception: being overly effusive and exaggerating, and being more emotional.
Saying more words per sentence or thought. Getting very detailed and taking a long time to get to the point. Perception: being unprofessional, wasting time, being thoughtless, scattered, and frivolous (this usually creates the reaction of impatience).
Often having voices that are too high, breathy, and little girl-sounding. Perception: being a lightweight, less bright.

Communication Patterns:

Tending to take rejection more personally. Perception: being overly sensitive.
Not laughing at or responding favorably to practical joke and cutting sarcastic humor. Perception: having no sense of humor.
Trying to match troubles by relating similar experiences. Perception: competing with the man or trying to top him, and not listening to or caring about what he says.
Confronting issues and situations more than a man would. Perception: being nagging or harping on the past (this often makes the man feel angry and defensive).
Censoring thoughts less than men and communicating more through stream-of-consciousness. Perception: being ditsy, spacey, or flighty.

Basic Male Conversation 101

2011-04-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

This section lists typical male communication patterns—some of the key things men communicate and how they may be misinterpreted. A woman's knowledge of these patterns will help her to realize that men's seemingly rude, distant, or obnoxious behavior is not that at all. In their innocence, men are just speaking “male.”

Body Language:
1. Taking up more space. Perception: they are hogging space and trying to take over.
2. Sitting further away. Perception: they don't like the woman.
3. Gesturing with their fingers, often pointing their finger. Perception: they are admonishing you.
4. Fidgeting and shifting their bodies more than women do. Perception: they are not interested or are anxious to leave the situation. judgmental.

Facial Language:
1. Cocking their head to the side and looking at the person at an angle while listening to them. Perception: they are being judgmental or disinterested.
2. Frowning and squinting when listening. Perception: disapproval.
3. Using little eye contact in positive interaction. Perception: they are disinterested and distant.
4. Providing fewer facial expressions and fewer reactions than women when listening.
5. Avoiding eye contact and not looking directly at the other person. Perception: disinterest or dislike.

Speech and Voice Patterns:
1. Interrupting and allowing fewer interruptions from others. Perception: they regard the other person as unimportant or not knowledgeable.
2. Using less intonation or vocal inflection. Perception: disinterest, disapproval, apathy, and dislike for the
other person.
3. Allowing more silence during conversation lulls. Perception: they have nothing more to say and want to end the conversation.
4. Giving more command terms. Perception: they are acting with hostility.
5. Using fewer emotional state verbs (such as “I feel,” “I hope,” “I love”).

Communication:
1. Teasing more, playing practical jokes, and using sarcasm as humor (often making a joke out of “sensitive” issues). Perception: acting in a hostile way and not liking the woman.
2. Apologizing less often after an argument. Perception: being stubborn and uncaring.
3. Liking to hear accolades about themselves and talking more about their accomplishments.
4. Confronting issues less. Perception: being uncaring and disinterested and purposely hurting the woman.
5. Disclosing less personal information. Perception: they are hiding something, being dishonest (possibly cheating).
6. Invading one's personal space more than women do. Perception: being obnoxious and trying to be intimidating.

He Says—She Thinks! She Says—He Thinks!

2011-04-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

Because there is such confusion in the way men and women speak to one another, a man might innocently say something to a woman that causes her to fly off the handle. In turn, she might say something that aggravates him. Both of these people have no clue why the other has gotten so mad at what they said. The man often thinks the woman might just be going through PMS. The woman, on the other hand, thinks that the guy is just being a jerk. “Who is right? Who is wrong? What is going on here? First of all, nobody is right! And nobody is wrong! In fact, they are both right!
The man is just talking “male,” while the woman is understanding what he says in “female.” Conversely, the woman speaks “female” while the man hears in “male.” It’s as simple as that!

There’s Only One Brain!

2011-03-31T10:57:00.000-07:00

Now of course I have to bring in the other element—not nurture, but the biology of how little boys and girls are wired neurologically and hormonally. Unlike little boys, little girls have an initial growth spurt in the left hemisphere of the brain. As a result of this difference in neurological development, they tend to become more fluent and develop a greater repertoire of speech and language skills than boys. Little boys take about four years to catch up with this growth spurt. In the meantime, some serious environmental stimulation has taken place, and little girls get more parental verbal attention because they are more responsive, due to the advanced growth of their neuroanatomy.
In this case, the behavior of parents corresponds to real physiological characteristics. This is not true in the case of parents conditioning their sons to be more mechanically and mathematically inclined. The right hemispheres of boys’ brains do not grow more rapidly than those of little girls; the difference is purely environmental. In fact, I, along with many other specialists in the field, believe that if little girls were equally encouraged in mechanical and cognitive abilities, we would observe little or no differences between the sexes in this area.

Once Upon a Time There Was an Infant Boy and Girl

2011-03-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

Men are raised differently than women are—yes, even in this day and age when we are supposed to be more sophisticated and aware. We clearly see this difference in people as early as infancy. For example, in a study at an Ivy League university, men and women were put into a room with infant boys and girls. Before entering the
room, the men and women were told that the infants were all little girls. As they entered and stayed in the room, both men and women spoke in a soft voice, making delicate cooing sounds and saying comments to the infants such as “You’re so pretty.” “Look at how beautiful you are.” “You are a little princess.” There was
hardly any physical contact.
Next, these same men and women were lead into another infant nursery, where—they were told—all the babies were little boys. Upon entering the room and subsequently spending some time there, the behavior of the adults changed greatly. The decibel level rose. The infants were actually taken out of their cribs and held under their
arms as they kicked the air beneath them. The adults used phrases such as “What a big strong boy,” “You’re gonna grow up to be a football player,” and “Hey, you little pumpkin head.”
More often than not, a parent will tolerate a boy’s impoliteness—“Gimme that”—over a girl’s impoliteness, insisting that “little girls don’t talk that way and have to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’”

Learning to Be Bilingual

2011-02-28T16:47:00.000-08:00

Perhaps the people who have the best opportunities in life are those who know another language. I know this first-hand. Understanding and speaking languages other than English has proven to be invaluable to me in my personal and professional life. Even understanding certain dialects and slang words and expressions among young people has helped me.
What has been the advantage of knowing these different languages, aside from allowing me to order a meal, get appropriate hotel service, and understand spoken direction (so I don’t get lost) in another country? Knowledge of these languages has helped people to relate to me more quickly and to have immediate affection for me, unless of course I’m yelling at someone who has been totally mean and obnoxious to me. Similarly, when women learn to speak “man talk” and men learn to speak “woman talk,” suddenly there is more affection, camaraderie, communications, friendships, and more exciting intimate relations.
Throughout the rest of the chapter you learn how to speak one another’s language and decode the signals, so that you never again have to worry about being misunderstood.

What's the Real Deal?

2011-02-28T16:44:00.000-08:00

What is the number one reason for divorce? What is the number one reason for marital affairs among couples? With the exception of medical problems, what is the major reason for sexual dysfunction among couples? What is one of the main reasons women are not advancing up the corporate ladder as rapidly as they should? Aside from a few unsavory individuals whose main concern is financial gain, why are there so many sexual harassment suits bombarding our courtrooms today? The common denominator of all of these questions is “lack of communication.” This lack of communication between the sexes is a serious issue, so serious that it can determine not only the quality of your professional life, but your personal life as well. It can even affect the seemingly benign things you do on a daily basis and your interactions with people you encounter throughout the day.
Not knowing how to effectively speak and understand employers, employees, and co-workers of the opposite sex can make the time you spend at work “hell on earth.”

Gaining the Winning Verbal Edge Between the Sexes

2011-02-28T16:39:00.000-08:00

No more male bashing! No more female bashing! No more lectures about how different men and women are! No more hearing how “men are from Mars and women are from Venus!” Trust me, we get it! We don't need to be beaten over the head with the same information. In this chapter, you learn less commonly shared information that strictly concerns how men and women speak to one another. I will discuss specific body, facial, and head positions, vocal patterns, pronunciation of sounds, words, phrases, and content of speech that are specifically indigenous to men or to women. This chapter is not designed to make you feel bad or guilty for how you speak to members of the opposite sex. Instead, it is designed to teach you the language of the opposite sex, so that you will know what the other truly means by what he or she says.
Because today's litigious society demands respect and equality, you have no choice but to put the information you learn in this chapter into action. If you do, you'll never experience the pain and frustration that comes from miscommunication.

Make Yourself Feel Reeeealy Good!

2010-12-31T22:06:00.000-08:00

This is the time you have for yourself! As I said earlier, the best thing you can do is get professional help of some kind. The next thing you can do is to heal yourself.
Next, pamper yourself! And I mean major pampering! Don't feel guilty. This is money well spent! Pretend you are a prince, princess, sheik, king, or queen, and take one day off to book yourself solid in order to do things with the sole purpose of making yourself feel not only good but great! Whatever it is, do it and enjoy! Here is a list to give you some ideas for having this great day just for you:

• Go to the theater or a live sporting event (no matter how expensive it is).
• Go somewhere or do something you always wanted to, although you never had the time or the energy.
• Go dancing or to a club.
• (Unless you have an alcohol problem) Go to a bar (even a cigar bar) and have all the drinks you want, providing that you do not drive home in a drunken state (you don't want to make it your last day!).
• Go shopping and splurging on whatever you want, forgetting about the money and knowing that you will somehow pay it off in time.
• Get a manicure, pedicure, facial, haircut and style; get waxed (if you are a woman or a man for that matter), get a shave at the barber's (if you are a man), and top it all off with a warm and relaxing bubble bath, followed by a full body massage.
• Have many of these pampering specialists in your home to carry out your regimen of being pampered.
• Lie in bed all day sleeping.
• Have an eating marathon, not caring about diets and calories, but eating your favorite food, perhaps in your favorite restaurants, even going to a different restaurant for coffee, breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner, and drinks.
• Have a book marathon, reading everything you ever wanted to read.
• Participate in a sport you love or take lessons in a sport you always wanted to try—for example, snowskiing, waterskiing, in-line skating, hang-gliding, horseback riding, skeet shooting, and polo.
• Have a video marathon, watching every video you've ever wanted to see.
• Spend the day having a sex marathon with a loved one.

No matter what it is that you do, you have one sole purpose, and that is to make YOU feel good. No calls! No meetings! No problems! This is your day and your day only, so take advantage of it, cherish it, and don't feel guilty about it!
This pampering can also help prevent you from going back to the verbal abuser or heal the emotional pain and distress she caused you! Whenever you think of her or see another one coming your way, think of this marvelous day, and it will help you get through the difficult days.

Forgiving Yourself Right Now!

2010-12-31T22:05:00.000-08:00

Look, you didn't purposely seek out this verbal abuse. Chances are that you were attracted to this individual, no matter what area of your life he was in, and you found out what a verbal jerk he was! It's not your fault! You did nothing wrong, trust me! The only thing you need to examine is if there is a pattern here. If you find that
your life has been filled with too much verbal abuse, you may want to look at why this is so. Perhaps there was something familiar about their behavior, something that you were conditioned by early on in life. If that is the case, you have to be conscious of this and watch yourself so that you are not drawn to another similar type of person.

When You're on the Verbal Merry-Go-Round

2010-11-30T17:31:00.001-08:00

After you have finished mourning, you will from time to time have negative thoughts about the verbal tormentor.
Find solace in the fact that what goes around comes around. You might not see the immediate results, but rest assured they will suffer the consequences of their actions. If they are treating you with verbal disrespect, chances are they are doing the same with others. As I said earlier in this chapter, leopards don't change their spots.
Never forget what they did to cause you such pain! And yes, no matter what the self-proclaimed gurus tell you, you do not cause yourself pain, others cause you pain.

Mourning and Waking Up Renewed in the Morning.

2010-11-30T17:29:00.000-08:00

Certainly you will go through a roller coaster of emotions, and grieving the relationship, no matter how verbally toxic it was. The key here is to hurry up and grieve, so that you can get on with a brand-new, healthy, and positive perspective on life. A therapist or great friends can help you with this grieving process by allowing you to verbally vent. The best way to get over this difficult period is to make a list of all the verbally toxic things your opponent ever said to you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t remember the exact words. Just write down the specific circumstances or the different times it occurred.
Whenever you are feeling down and wishing you could go back to the relationship, just pull out your list. That will cure you and speed up your emotional recovery period!

Throwaways

2010-10-31T11:03:00.000-07:00

What happens when the verbal abusers are the ones who pull the verbal plug? No matter how difficult, even impossible, the communication was between both of you, nobody likes to be tossed away like a dead raccoon.
Just know that you are probably feeling worse than they are right now. The rejected always feels worse than the rejecter.
Along with everyone else, I can sit here and give you words of sympathy. Even though we try to say sympathetic words and phrases in our attempts to comfort you, you’ll think we don’t know what we’re talking about. You’ll wish we’d just shut up, listen to your sob story, dry your tears, and wear a shirt, blouse, or sweater that feels soft, so that when you cry on our shoulder your face will feel more comfortable and less scratchy.
The following “Talk Back!” section lists some phrases of comfort usually said to a rejectee, and what the rejectee really thinks about your stupid advice.
None of these words help you feel better. Instead, they make you feel worse! Just know, you will feel bad, very bad, horribly bad for a while. But then, after you are able to hold some food down, sleep, stop crying and have an occasional smile on your face—when you have spent time away from the rejecter—you will see something you never saw before! He did you a favor.
If he left you and you were a verbal tormentor, you learned something very valuable. Don’t mess with people’s self-respect. Talk to them like human beings with the dignity they deserve, or you won’t be talking to anybody!
If, on the other hand, he left you and he was the verbal tormentor, he probably left you for a number of reasons that most likely have nothing to do with you!

Help!!! Emergency!!!

2010-10-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

Before you reach for the phone, call your family members, close friends, clergy, and the person you desperately need the most—a psychotherapist. If you don’t know any, call the local mental health association in your area.
Call a university or a medical center in your area. Call your friends. Ask them if they know of one or if any of their friends know of a good therapist. Call your doctor. Call the health department. Call the American Psychological Association in Washington, DC.
If you think you can’t afford professional help, stop thinking that right now! Often your community has a lowcost mental health program. The Department of Social Services in your city, county, or state can also help you.
University programs often have clinical counseling available at a low cost. Your clergy can also help you— that’s what they are there for. Their inspirational guidance just might be the mental medicine you need. Maybe they can at least comfort you during your time of great emotional distress, until you can actually see a mental health professional who is trained to deal with your specific issues.
I have given you all kinds of options, so there is no excuse! Get help!
Do it now!

Noooooo! Don't Do It!

2010-09-30T19:07:00.000-07:00

Then one evening, things are quiet. The phone isn't ringing and you have no plans. After partying like mad to celebrate your newfound freedom, you are beginning to come back down to earth as you realize that the party's over. Now you have to start a new life with new people who are not verbally toxic.
It's tough. You think, “How am I going to meet someone to start a new verbally healthy relationship?” “Where do I go?” “What do I do?” “Oh no!,” you think to yourself, “What if they don't find me attractive? What if they don't like me? What if I am alone? What if I never find a relationship again? What if nobody wants to sleep with me? What if everyone who meets me rejects me? What will happen to me? What if I get so depressed because of all of this and don't want to go on living? What if I decide to kill myself?”
Now that you have worked yourself over mentally and looked at your newfound freedom as a scary and horrific nightmare, instead of an exciting and thrilling adventure, you are paralyzed with fear! You feel so naked, so exposed, so vulnerable—as though you are so completely naked that you aren't even wearing your skin, let alone your clothes!
So, what does your first instinct tell you? Why, of course, reach for the phone and call that familiar person—your verbal abuser. It's safe. He might be abusive, you reason to yourself, but at least he was yours. He'll make it all better! You won't be feeling as naked and insecure if you go back with him, you think. So, you reach for the phone to call the “Him.” Just when we all thought you were doing so well, you are now back for more. The saga continues, and now we definitely don't want to hear about it. We're sick of hearing about the abuser, and by now we're sick of you.

You Finally Got the Message!

2010-09-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

Some people, usually ones who are a bit masochistic due to self-worth issues, take a much longer time to get the message. Those who have really worked on themselves psychologically to rid themselves of any mental demons take less time to see the light. They kick the verbal vulture to the curb. After three strikes maximum, they are history!
You finally get it! Yeah! After trying each and every way to rationalize and convince yourself of ways it could work out, you now realize that there is no hope. You simply can't have this person destroying your identity and your life. You have resigned yourself to the fact that you cannot fool yourself any longer.
Now you are so excited—free at last. You feel as though a ton has been lifted from your shoulders. You can't believe how good you feel. You are smiling all the time. People tell you how great you look. You feel that you have a new lease on life. People actually like being around you now, because you're not always depressed and talking their ear off about your troubles. You are invited to more places and you are having more fun than ever.
You are open to new things. You even get a new hairstyle, and shed the 10 pounds you gained in the toxic relationship, which literally “weighed you down!” You look great! You feel great! Everyone around you now is great! Life is great!

Yes, But…

2010-08-31T21:47:00.000-07:00

Don’t “yes, but…” me. Don’t “yes, but…” yourself. Verbal abuse is verbal abuse! That’s it! You are the victim of a verbal crime, and the verbal criminals need to be out—for life! Out of your life for the rest of their lives!
Many of you will think that this statement is too harsh, but there’s nothing harsh about telling you that you are shortening and diminishing the quality of the most precious gift that has been given to you—your life! I’m telling you this because I really care about you. I care so much that I am willing to dedicate my life to helping people in the same situation you find yourself in. So please open your mind. See and hear what I am trying to tell you. The longer you stay in a verbally abusive relationship, the longer you will feel bad about yourself. You are in a losing battle and you will never win the verbal war.
If you have truly done everything I’ve discussed in this book thus far, using every single verbal defense strategy correctly and following the steps in the book to a “t,” but your results are to no avail, then there are no more “yeah, buts…” to hear.

Three Strikes and You're Out!

2010-07-31T18:19:00.000-07:00

People stay in horrible relationships way too long with the hopes of “working things out.” More often than not, things never work out! The time to get out of a verbally abusive relationship is NOW! In baseball there is a rule that after three strikes, you are out. And in some states across America there is a “three strikes” law.
Therefore, I believe as well in the “three-strike rule” when it comes to being verbally abused. The first time a person verbally abuses you, even though it's awful, can be written off to “having a bad day,” “not feeling well,” “having PMS,” or “testing you to see how far they can go”—pushing their limits with you.
The second time it happens is horrible, but it can be attributed to “a life crisis” (such as job problems, problems with children or with family members excluding you, health issues involving anything from a cold to impotence, menopause, or a life threatening illness). But the third time it happens, there are no more excuses. You're out! Leave!

Enough Is Enough! Knowing When to Retreat

2010-07-31T18:16:00.000-07:00

When is the verbal war over? How do you know if you were the winner or the loser? The answer is simple. If you have used up all of the verbal defense strategies in the last two chapters, and nothing has worked, it’s time to retreat. This means “unplug.” Get away from the extremely toxic verbal abuser. Run. Run as fast as you can!
Run for your life.
Some individuals are similar to drug addicts on PCP. It’s very difficult, if not impossible, to quell their bizarre and often violent and intensely destructive behavior (like running naked down the street). They develop the strength of ten men, to the point that in many cases they are impermeable. They are literally like “Supermen” who can’t be defeated by the usual methods. They are physically resistant to pain, perhaps because the alteration in their biochemistry doesn’t register the sensation of pain.
Because individuals on PCP are usually a danger to themselves and to society, great efforts are made to capture them and lock them up. Several law enforcement officers report that such individuals are so strong that it can take up to twelve officers to subdue them. Additional reports claim that they easily burst open their handcuffs and chains and can even bend the bars of their jail cells.
Similarly, if none of your verbal strategies worked to subdue the verbal bully, you need to cut your losses and move on; otherwise, like people on PCP, they can annihilate you.
If you have done everything, from giving them love and kindness to giving them hell and yelling a them, and if none of the techniques could soften or change the verbal bully’s behavior, you have absolutely no other recourse than to run for your life!

“Give ‘Em Hell and Yell” Strategy.

2010-07-31T18:13:00.000-07:00

Similar to the Mirror Strategy, the Give ‘Em Hell and Yell Strategy allows people to see how verbally toxic they are. Although we have been conditioned that it’s not nice to scream and yell at people, there are times when you have no choice. You are at your wit’s end. You’ve tried everything else and the verbal vulture still doesn’t “hear” you.
There is nothing else to do but “let ‘em have it!” Go for it! Be as loud and angry as you want. Let your face turn red and the veins in your neck pop out and pulsate. Yes, you can even say a four-letter word or two and contort your face to look like a monster. The key is to say anything (short of threatening their livelihood or their life) to get out the anger and frustration that you have towards them. Don’t keep any of it in! Open the flood gates and let it roar! It gives you permission to act like a wild tiger. Yes, you read correctly, I said that it was okay to use cuss words (but don’t make a habit of it). Doing so, and “shocking” them into listening to you, might be the only way you can get them to finally hear you.
A big word of CAUTION! Never use any of these strategies in conjunction with your hands, arms, fists, legs, feet, or teeth. Never use any weapons (knives, forks, guns, rifles, machine guns, or hand grenades) whatsoever, even if it’s only done for effect, to threaten or scare your verbally offensive opponent. The potential consequences can be horrific!

Verbally Mirroring the Foe Strategy

2010-06-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

In describing the strategy of Verbally Mirroring the Foe, many of you might argue, “I couldn't do what they did. I would never think of stooping to their level.” I understand your point. However, guess what? If you don't
stoop to their level, how are they going to hear you? How are they going to know when their verbal behavior is unacceptable?
By stooping to their level, you are forcing your verbal perpetrators to see their ugly words reflected back to them. You are, in essence, their “verbal mirror.”
One of my attorney clients was negotiating a deal over the telephone with another attorney who was verbally hostile and abusive. My client could not get a word in edgewise as the verbally toxic adversary hogged up the entire conversation, shouting obscenities, and screaming and yelling. All of a sudden, my client pulled the phone away from his ear and began to bark like a dog. Stunned, the abusive adversary stopped talking and asked “What did you say?” My client continued to bark like a dog. He then stopped and said, “That is exactly what you sound like—a barking dog. Now Mr. Jones, you and I are both highly qualified, well-trained, civilized professionals. Let's act that way and speak intelligently and quietly so that we can each listen carefully to what the other is trying to say and come to an amicable resolution.”
My client merely gave Mr. Jones a glimpse of himself in the verbal mirror. He certainly didn't like what he heard. It was obvious that Mr. Jones had no clue that he sounded like a barking dog when he negotiated. But he certainly became aware of it and has subsequently made it a point to listen and not “bark” at other attorneys— at least not as much as before!
A taste of their own verbally toxic medicine is often all they need to make them aware of how poorly they come across to others. In fact, because they often don't even realize it, look at using this strategy as doing them a favor!

Keep Your Cool

2010-06-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

If your livelihood has been threatened, never resort to physical violence or perpetrating physical harm against someone. Reread this section. Other alternatives are more effective and more productive! So read on and you will discover what these alternatives are and how to use them.
In light of the repeated school killings in which young students (children) have shot their peers to death, threats should always be taken seriously, whether or not they are just made in the moment of anger. We have, unfortunately, seen the aftermath of what happens when threats are not heeded.
The moral of all of this is that, no matter how angry you get, never threaten anyone—not even in jest. You are risking being taken to jail. You are risking the financial ruin of having to go through a lengthy court battle. And most important of all, you are risking your life!

Never Threaten One's Basic Needs!

2010-06-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

“You'll never work in this town again.” “I will ruin you.” “I will make sure everyone knows about this.” “I will get you fired.” “I will sue you for everything you've got.” “When I'm done with you, you won't have a penny left to your name.” “You'll be living on the streets.” “I'll make sure you starve to death.”
These types of verbal threats are often made in anger. People making these threats don't even think twice about the implications of what they have said. They just know that they are hopping mad and that these threats are the best way for them to let off steam. They have no clue about the impact of their words or the possible resounding consequences.
It is extremely dangerous to threaten people by holding the threat of their basic existence up to them. In the classic book The Hierarchy of Needs, the famed psychologist Abraham Maslow discusses human being's basic need for air, food, and shelter.
When these basic needs are threatened, the consequences can be devastating. Biologically, it triggers basic survival instincts, such as the fight-or-flight mechanism. When this happens, the results are not pretty; they are pretty devastating. Through the ages, people have been killed for making verbal threats against one's basic needs.
To repeat: Never, under any circumstances, make threats to people, especially when it pertains to their livelihood! Tempers can flare to the point that they become out of control, and the results can be deleterious.

Fantasy Strategy—an Alternative to Physical Violence.

2010-05-31T02:27:00.000-07:00

If you are so angry that you can spit nails, or you feel as though steam is coming out of you ears and you are thinking that no matter what happens to you, you're gonna do someone in—don't! Instead, use this strategy immediately! Fantasize about what you'd like to do to them. See it in your mind, feel it, hear it. Just don't do it in real life! I can't give you any specific ideas here in terms of what to imagine. These fantasies must come out of your own mind and your own anger. If they are gruesome, run with it mentally. As you see the images in your mind, you will be surprised at how much better you will feel and how much less enraged, even relieved. You will feel like you have released the pressure-cooker tension from your physical being.
Another alternative is to watch the fights on television or even to go and see a boxing match. As the winner is punching the loser with repeated blows, picture your enemy's face being pummeled by the winner. Don't think this is weird. We have all unknowingly used the Vicarious Fantasy Technique when we watch our favorite superstar heroes beat the living daylights out of someone on screen. Next time you're watching one of these films, just think of what a thrill it would be to see the hero doing what he's doing on screen to your adversary. It's a lot more acceptable than living this scenario in real life.

Never, Ever Use Physical Violence!

2010-05-31T02:25:00.000-07:00

Your hands, legs, body, and teeth are completely off limits! The only time you can use your teeth is when they are used in conjunction with your tongue and your lips and allow you to speak to someone—never to physically hurt someone.
No matter how angry you get at what someone said, the consequences of physical violence are not worth enduring. There is no excuse whatsoever for physical violence. If you feel as though you are coming close to beating someone up over what they said, please don't do it! Before you get ready to do it, take your breath in, hold it, and blow, blow, blow all your air out instead of blowing someone's brains out!

Keep It Above the Belt

2010-05-31T02:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the public’s rage at the fighter’s injustices to the other fighter become so inflamed that the fighting extends to those outside the boxing arena. Look what happened at Madison Square Garden when fighter Riddick Bowe was repeatedly punched below the belt by Ron Goletta, a known dirty fighter who was warned about his tactics. Each time Bowe was hit in the groin, the fans felt his pain too. After Goletta was finally disqualified, all hell broke loose, literally. Fans mobbed the ring. Chairs were flying. Managers and fight personnel were beaten. Innocent bystanders were physically flung out of the ring. Countless fights broke out in the stands, with stranger pummeling stranger. People were injured, people were arrested, people were jailed, all because of dirty fighting—literally being hit below the belt.
Hitting someone below the belt is not confined to the boxing ring. It happens on a daily basis in people’s homes, offices, at social gatherings, and even on the street. We know all too well about hitting below the belt in communities that suffer extreme gang violence. A verbal insult about someone’s mother or girlfriend, which is definitely hitting below the verbal belt, can result in the insulator being killed.
In anger, people bring up things you never knew about (for example, your husband’s three-year affair, communicated to you in hostile, angry terms). They bring up things you thought they never knew about (the time you went to jail for stealing a car when you were 18, for instance) They bring up and uncover horrible things that happened in your life where only extensive psychotherapy or religious devotion have allowed you to cope with the guilt and live one day at a time (such as when your girlfriend got killed in a motorcycle accident, while you were driving).
These verbal cuts are the deepest and hurt the most. In many cases, these cuts will never heal. There is too much resulting pain. There is so much blood coming from the verbal wound that your relationship is gone forever—dead!
Even if someone is a dirt bag of a fighter, you don’t have to join in and follow suit. It’s not going to make you feel any better throwing verbal bombs at him. He has to live with the devastation he has done to you. Don’t add insult to your injury and have the additional burden of living with the emotional devastation you caused them. Take solace in knowing that what goes around usually comes around.

Fight Clean and Fair!

2010-04-30T03:52:00.000-07:00

A verbal warrior who fights dirty is the absolute worst! With a dirty fighter, there is little or no hope in your attempts to win the communication battle.
Dirty verbal fighters can cause a melee. Often they will hit you so far below the belt that you'll reel in emotional pain forever.
In the boxing ring, if a professional fighter fights dirty by hitting an opponent below the belt, or does something really dirty (like biting off an opponent's ear), that fighter will be disqualified.

Strategy of Loud Verbal Explosions!

2010-04-30T03:51:00.000-07:00

Speaking in a loud and clear voice gives you a lot of verbal and vocal power. People listen. In order to get a verbally abusive person to curtail hurling her abuse in your direction, you can often deflect her verbal bullets with sound, especially if that sound is loud and booming.
You will definitely throw her off balance, which, as in martial arts, is a winning move! It certainly gets her attention and shocks her into stopping—at least for the moment.
Her startled response has been put into action, causing her nervous system to work overtime and to be thrown off balance. She is thrown off balance mentally as well. She saw you in one speed, and here you go changing gears! She definitely wasn't expecting that! Unless she is completely deaf, you have gained the upper hand and come out ahead in another verbal battle.

“Excuse Me? Are You Talkin' to Me?”

2010-04-30T03:44:00.001-07:00

Even more intimidating to the verbal perpetrator is using the classic lines that Robert DeNiro's character, Travis Bickel, spoke in the Martin Scorsese film Taxi Driver: “Excuse me? Are you talkin' to me?” indicating that he was armed and ready for action.
It has become a catch phrase. In basic terms, it is a warning signal. It means “I heard what you said. You disrespected me. I didn't like it! So don't even think of talking to me like that again.”
This immediately lets people know that you are serious and you have no patience for their ill verbal treatment of you. This being the case, do not smile while you make this powerful statement or give a nervous laugh afterward. Say it loud and clear so you will be heard. Your loud, clear voice resonating these words in their ears are destined to wake them up, shake them up, and shut them up!

Unacceptable things

2010-03-30T06:49:00.000-07:00

This is the best phrase to use when someone is trespassing your verbal limits. Say it in a firm, projected tone so that you will be heard! Do not laugh when you say it! Do not smile or have a “matter of fact” expression on your face! Do not giggle! Do not use a high pitched voice! Don’t say it as a question, sounding tentative as you go up at the end of the word “unacceptable.” Do not pepper this phrase with filler words such as “like,” “um,” and “you know!” Finally, do not mumble. Draw out your vowels when you speak these three words.
In continuing to let someone know that he has over-stepped his bounds, you can then go on to explain what it was that you didn’t like about what he said to you. Try not to get out of control, screaming and yelling. Instead, talk calmly, yet firmly, so that there is no question that you meant what you said and said what you meant.
Never deviate from what you said!
Therefore, you need to watch out for verbally toxic behavior that someone may once again repeat.

Verbally Setting Firm Limits

2010-03-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

Frequently, those who become victims of verbal crime are in the situation they are in because they don’t set strict verbal limits with the verbal perpetrator. If they do set limits about how a person can talk to them, they often won’t enforce those requirements. As a result, the verbal perpetrator loses respect and doesn’t take what the person says seriously.
One of the biggest miscommunications occurs when a verbal victim cries out, “I told him time after time not to say what he says to me and cut me down, but he keeps saying it anyway.” When you first hear a victim report this, you feel like punching the verbal perpetrator in the nose. However, upon closer examination you find out that although the victim really did tell him to stop bringing up that sensitive topic and stop putting her down, she neglected to report that she made this request while giggling and laughing, using a coquettish girlie tone.
In no way was the message conveyed to “Cease and desist! Immediately!” At times (like when she began to cry), he would get the message, but then he would retreat to his old ways. He never took her seriously. In fact, upon questioning him about her tears in regard to his verbal abuse he sloughed it off by saying, “It was probably her PMS kicking in.”
Granted he sounds like a jerk, and granted it is not appropriate to blame the victim. But in this case we see how, if she doesn’t adamantly stand up for herself so that he truly hears her, thereby causing him to show some verbal respect for her, the effect is that she will continue to suffer hearing his verbal abuse.
She needs to speak up—not giggle and laugh—but really speak up in a manner that will perk up his ears once and for all and cause him to change his obnoxious behavior. Most important of all, she needs to be consistent if he falters and attempts to revert to his old ways.
The tone and words you choose definitely let the person know that you mean business. It lets him know that he can never again say what he just said to you.

Don’t Just Stand There—Do Something!

2010-03-30T06:43:00.000-07:00

Whatever you decide to do, do something. Even if you choose to simply walk away, don’t ignore how the verbal abuser’s words made you feel. Unless you are a zombie or an alien from another planet, you have feelings that will emerge following this psychologically traumatic event, although you might not realize it at first as you slough off what happened.
Later on, you might develop a type of post-traumatic verbal shock syndrome. If you don’t deal with your feelings immediately, you will have to deal with the emotional consequences later. So talk about what happened to you—what awful things someone said to you and how he or she said it. Tell all your friends, your family, your clergy, and your therapist. These people will support you.

Protecting the Other Cheek

2010-02-26T04:04:00.000-08:00

Perhaps they say that they would simply walk away because they feel that they are “peace-loving” people and that’s what peace lovers should say—at least publicly.
There are others who walk away because of their religious teachings. They have been raised to turn the other cheek when someone doesn’t treat them right.
I don’t want to sound cavalier or irresponsible or insult anyone’s religious views. In fact, I endeavor to respect everyone’s religious views. So do not in any way misinterpret what I am about to say.
Turning the other cheek does not mean to turn the other cheek so that you can be slapped again on the other side of your face. As I and many people in the clergy see it, turning the other cheek means turning the other cheek away from the verbal tormentor so that you can be proactive and move on, and never let anyone verbally abuse you again.

Never Walk Away When You Have Something to Say!

2010-02-26T04:02:00.000-08:00

Ask a group of people what they would do if someone had just verbally assaulted them and continued to verbally abuse them. Inevitably you will hear the following, unfortunately very common response. “I’d just walk away.” If you give them a clearer, more descriptive picture of the verbal perpetrator’s heinous actions, the response would still stay the same, only some people would probably pipe up “I’d ignore them!”
Well, guess what? You can’t ignore it! It’s there. It’s right in front of your eyes. It haunts you later. You hear the voices, you see the vision, you feel the pain. If you ignore it now, it will come back to haunt you later through physical and mental anguish.

“What's Good About You” Strategy

2010-01-29T04:55:00.000-08:00

If you tell your child he is good even if he is a little terrorist tormenting everyone and leaving a path of destruction in his wake, he often acts better, especially around you. Since you have good expectations for him, he will often follow suit.
This is no different when you tell grown-ups how good they are and discuss their good points. Doing so, you gain the upper hand and control over the situation. Who wouldn't want to hear good things about themselves?
This usually stops them in their tracks and they begin smiling. Even though they know they have been bad, the fact that you still manage to see something good in them makes them feel pretty good about you. If they are feeling good about you, it is more difficult for them to verbally attack you.

Heart-in-Hand Strategy

2010-01-29T04:53:00.000-08:00

Dating back to ancient Roman times, when Rome was busy trying to conquer the world, anyone who met up with the Romans was concerned about weapons they might be hiding. Thus, when the Romans placed their hand over their heart to express their sincerity, respect, and liking toward the person, one could readily see that the person was safe (at least at that moment), because there was no weapon in the potential opponent's hands.
In this century, this gesture has come to express extreme passion and feeling toward another person. More currently, it expresses passionate love but also despair, a “heaviness of the heart.” Therefore, when you lovingly converse with your verbal opponent with this gesture, especially one whom you really love, you have the advantage. Subconsciously, they are getting the cue of how deeply they have affected you. Usually this mitigates their verbally toxic behavior.

Hand-Holding Fighting Strategy

2009-12-31T12:03:00.000-08:00

This strategy, which I personally devised for my clients, is one of the best techniques to be used in relationship therapy. It's obvious that the couple loves one another, but they keep fighting and bickering over stupid and ridiculous things. They end up saying mean and ugly things to one another that devastate both of them. As you learned earlier in the blog, words stick—especially ugly words! So, I tell the couple, as difficult as it may seem, as soon as they start this stupid bickering, one has to immediately grab the other's hand and hold it and continue to bicker.
They usually start laughing and stop fighting, becoming softer and more affectionate with one another. As they continue to hold hands, each one often starts to communicate his or her side of the issue in a calm and loving manner, so that each mate is able to really hear what the other has to say.
It's a very powerful tool for effective communication between couples as well as friends.
By the way, the one who takes the other's hand first is the one who has the control over the situation.

Let the Baby Have Her Bottle Strategy

2009-12-31T12:02:00.000-08:00

Speaking of babies, remember when you were a child and another child would cry or get upset when you played with his her toy? Oftentimes, to save face and rationalize your little feelings (which were actually big feelings at the time), you retorted with “Okay, let the baby have her bottle.” The little perpetrator was usually taken aback by your comment. She didn't want to be referred to by that evil four-letter word, B-A-B-Y, so she often relinquished the toy to you or shared it with you. Little has changed since your youth. Oftentimes, when you yield to your verbal opponent, she becomes powerless and you gain back the control.
If you counter what the verbal abuser says by agreeing with her, she has nowhere to go. She is taken offbalance and loses her verbal footing. She has no idea where you are coming from and no idea of what to say next. Obviously, she can't fight with herself, so she is silent. This quashes her verbal venom.

Hush Hush Strategy.

2009-12-31T12:01:00.000-08:00

This technique is similar to the preceding one, except that you substitute the term “hush hush” for the person's name. It's virtually the same technique that you would use with a crying baby in softly telling her to hush as you hold her. Your steady calming tone as the air produces the “hush” sound elicits calmness.
This is an excellent technique to use when a person won't shut up. If you keep repeating “hush hush” in a calm and steady voice, on a continuous basis, he or she will eventually stop yelling and carrying on. In essence, these people are like big babies who need their mommy or daddy to comfort them.

Gentle-Toned Name Repetition

2009-11-30T05:35:00.000-08:00

In his bible of the times, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie mentions that the sound of a person’s name is the sweetest music to her ears. Why? It’s the same as what was said earlier in this blog— people love to talk about their favorite subject, themselves. Softly saying people’s names over and over in a loving tone certainly gets their attention, especially if they are in a rage. It helps to calm them down. Your control over the situation allows them to get in control of themselves. It disarms them. They can’t help but stop and listen. Instead of being seen as the verbal battering ram, you become a warm, soft verbal cushion, making yourself “user-friendly” to them. By the way, this is a standard technique mental health care professionals use in their attempts to gain some control with autistic children.

Love ‘Em Up Strategy

2009-11-30T05:31:00.000-08:00

“A pat on the back is just a few vertebrae from a kick in the pants.”
Anyone who has to resort to spitting out verbal venom usually lacks the basic element for survival—love.
Those who lack enough love and support from others usually become insecure, jealous, and angry, and they don’t really feel good about themselves. Deep down, they really want to reach out but can’t, so they go the other direction and act hateful and spiteful. This behavior is, of course, due to their inner rage of not feeling loved enough.
If you look at them in this vein, you won’t have as many bad feelings towards them. They really need to be pitied more than hated. They need more compassion than aggression.
Therefore, instead of being angry at them you actually need to diffuse their anger with love and kindness. This is a Herculean task for anyone who has been verbally shot, maimed, and blown to bits. If you find you just can’t do it, not to worry. This is just one tool of many in your arsenal of verbal defense weapons.
If you think of the common phrase “kill them with kindness,” you might feel a lot better about employing this strategy more often.
Below are six sub-strategies of the Love ‘Em Up Strategy for verbal defense. Try them! They are actually fun to do and very empowering.

“The Joke’s on You”—Funny Bone Strategy

2009-11-30T05:28:00.000-08:00

Another sure-fire way to throw your verbal enemy off-kilter is to make fun of either him or yourself. Sometimes it’s difficult for you to come up with something funny, especially after the other person says something that almost leaves you crying, not laughing. Once again, take that lifesaving sip of air in through your mouth for two seconds. Hold it for two seconds, and then start rolling with some humor. The four seconds buys you some time to think of a joke.
It’s best to make a joke related to something negative the person said to you. By retorting in a positive and humorous vein, you gain the upper hand and control over the situation. On the other hand, you can add insult to insult. This will definitely throw him for a loop! He may think he “gotcha” with his zing when in reality, you “gotcha” self with an even better zing!
The key here is to say something even more outrageous than he did. Another humorous technique is to fight fire with fire. He zinged you—zing him back! He says you need to lose weight; you say he does too. Chances are, this insensitive clod isn’t exactly Baywatch material either, right?
Tell him that. Now his big mouth must weigh a ton.
Using this strategy, it doesn’t matter what you say, as long as you say something that’s funny to you.
Later on in the book you learn how to use some snappy comebacks that apply to specific verbally noxious people in specific situations.

The Naked Truth Strategy

2009-10-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

Because it is such a rarity in this day and age, direct, bold honesty can blow someone out of the water! When someone makes a nasty and hurtful comment to you, you have the option to tell her the “naked truth.” If you decide to use this strategy, you will definitely have thrown her off balance. No way was she expecting to hear how repulsive you think she was being when she said what she said to you.
Most likely, she will be intimidated by your direct honesty as you deliver the message to her in a projected and well-modulated tone, with an upright, heads-up posture. This is a perfect situation to illustrate how your daily verbal workouts can assist you in each of the strategies you choose to use. Incorporating good posture, direct facial contact, and a sonorous voice—techniques you learned about earlier in this blog—are essential if you want to be effective in getting your verbal message across to verbal abusers.
The Naked Truth Strategy often prevents verbal bombs from being hurled at you in the future. Your verbal adversary usually gains a newfound respect for you, because you have let her know in no uncertain terms that you are on to her verbal games and you will tolerate none of them. In essence, your self-respect—speaking up for yourself—made the verbal enemy have more respect for you as nwell.

Calm, Calculating, Questioning Strategy—Like Columbo

2009-10-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

Remember the popular television series Columbo? Detective Columbo would calmly ask invasive questions in such a matter-of-fact, unassuming way that the criminal would unsuspectingly cooperate and answer his seemingly benign—but really quite calculated—questions. Then, of course, Columbo was able to solve the crime and save the day.
Just as Columbo caught his criminal by throwing him or her off balance, you too can use the same approach to throw your verbal opponent off balance.
If you use this technique, you must use a non-hostile, non-angry, unassuming tone. You will have more successful results if you take the following advice.
The purpose of this strategy is to ask someone a series of questions that require either a yes or no answer in a logical progression. It’s kind of like a courtroom lawyer who attempts to make an important point by having his witness respond to a succession of questions. In your case, however, you aren’t hostile.
In questioning, you have to begin by asking the most absurd question, which is guaranteed to elicit a no answer. Then keep going, asking less and less bizarre and over-the-top questions until the person gets the point.
Eventually, he is put in a corner and is forced to see how wrong he is. The “Talk Back!” section gives a clear example of what I’m talking about. The ignorant man who made a generalized racial slur did a complete turnaround in his thinking as a result of this strategy.

Let It Go—Breathe and Blow Strategy

2009-09-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

When doing this strategy you must remember the importance of never ever allowing any of this verbal venom to fester inside of you and poison your psyche. Venomous words are like glue— they stick. They will always stick to you unless you are able to release them mentally and physically.
Therefore, the next strategy is designed to give you complete control over your emotions. This strategy underlies all of the other strategies presented in this chapter.
When someone aggravates, your adrenaline begins to flow. Your heart beats faster, your head begins to throb, your face reddens, and your eyes bulge out as you hold your breath. Because you are so shocked, you in essence forget to breathe. In this case, I’m not talking about strategies where you consciously hold your breath in order to achieve a specified effect. I’m talking about uncontrolled cessation of breathing. Here is how you can effectively use the Breathe and Blow strategy to oxygenate yourself.

Take a small breath—a two-second sip of air into your mouth.
Next, think of your verbal adversary. Recall all the awful things he said to you. Hear his voice spewing forth poisons. Do your recalling in the three-second period where you will be consciously holding on to your breath. In this case, you are in complete control of your breathing because you are fully conscious of what you are doing.
As you keep this “verbal violator” in your mind, blow him out through your mouth, exhaling with all your strength.
Keep blowing out this breath until you have completely run out of air.
Now stop for two seconds and do not breathe.
Repeat this exercise a second time. As you literally blow what he said out of your mind, you are ejecting this person from your system.
Repeat this procedure once more as you continue to blow out all of the toxic negativity and ill feelings the person’s words have brought you.
Now stop and take a big breath in through your mouth, filling up your lungs and exhaling normally. While using this strategy, you may feel a bit light-headed. Not to worry—this is quite normal.

The Look of Disgust Strategy

2009-09-28T10:41:00.000-07:00

The Look of Disgust Strategy is very much like the Silent, Expressionless, Blank Stare Strategy. Instead of having no expression on your face, however, you have an expression of disgust. This technique is especially disconcerting to your opponent because he was not expecting this—someone scowling at him in disgust, staring at him, and saying nothing.
Now he is really thrown off balance. He might start to furrow his forehead and knit his brows together, tightening up his jaw as he says, in a defensive tone, “What’s the matter?” or “Why are you looking at me like that?” If he is really uncomfortable, you might hear those infamous four words, “I was only kidding.” There is no way he was “just kidding.” You know it and he knows it. And now he knows that he can’t speak to you the way he did. Your facial expression speaks volumes.
To make the Look of Disgust:
1. Raise your upper lip.
2. Wrinkle your nose.
3. Open your mouth.
4. Raise your chin.
5. Squint your eyes.

This is a universal expression. People from every culture use this facial expression to reflect the emotion of

Silent, Expressionless, Blank Stare

2009-08-29T23:18:00.000-07:00

The silent, expressionless, blank stare occurs when you immediately stop everything you are doing and freeze as you blankly stare down your opponent. This often throws your verbal adversary so off balance that he doesn’t know what to do.
In this case, silence is truly golden. You most likely grew up with this technique being done to you. As a child, all your mother or father needed to do was to give you that “look,” or rather, “non-look.” First came the expressionless stare, followed by silence, followed by a furrowed brow and then, the verbal reprimand. After some time and many blank stares, it got to the point where all your parents had to do was to give you that look and you immediately knew you had to behave. Teachers often use this technique to get their students to be quiet and to pay attention.
It’s most disconcerting to see a face that is usually full of expression and life turn mask-like. It’s so disconcerting to be shocked by this out-of-context facial non-expression, that you tend to stop whatever you are doing, just to make sure your eyes are not deceiving you.
Now that we have established that this technique definitely works, you need to use it as part of your repertoire in verbal defense. Imagine that someone says something really insulting to you. Here are the steps you need to take to stare him down.

Immediately stop whatever you are doing.
Take a small breath of air in through your nose. It is important to aid in your silence that you not inhale through your mouth. Because you are not going to be speaking, you don’t need to fill your abdominal area with air. You are not going to be making any rich sonorous tones.
Hold the breath. By holding your breath, you are slowing down your heart rate as well as focusing your thoughts, so that you are in total control of the situation.
While still holding your breath, relax every one of your facial muscles. Visualize your forehead relaxing, along with your eyelids, nose, cheeks, lips, jaw, and chin. From the top to the bottom of your face, feel your muscles relaxing so much that your face becomes expressionless.
Now look in the direction of the verbal perpetrator. Just stare at him. Try not to blink; just stare. Usually after 3 seconds, he will feel so uncomfortable that he will most likely say “What’s wrong?” or “What are you looking at?”—with a small chuckle and an
Do not speak! Just keep staring. As soon as he has spoken, you know you have gotten the upper hand in the situation. See how fast the tables have turned. Now it is you who are in control. His attempt to overpower you by his toxic words is nullified. Your facial shield protects you from giving him any satisfaction for trying to annihilate you with his verbal bullets. Now, he is the one squirming, not you.

By the way, as soon as he starts speaking, which he will do in a matter of seconds, you can release your breath so you don’t turn blue and pass out. uncomfortable tight-lipped smile.

The Verbal Artist Has Complete Control!

2009-08-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

In order to be in complete control, there are four things you need to remember, no matter what:
1. Enter every situation in the verbal battlefield with an open mind.
2. Observe “what is.”
3. Take a moment to pick your strategy.
4. Go ahead and defend yourself.
In the first step, you, the verbal artist, come into any situation “clean” and weaponless, with no hidden agenda, like the martial artist. You leave your ego at the door. You have no chip on your shoulder. You are just “you”—open, honest, and not offensive in any way. This means that you never initiate an attack, consciously saying anything that is verbally toxic to another person. You, like the martial artist, are calm, open-minded, pleasant, and accepting of everyone who crosses your path.
When using the second step, by simply observing what “is,” you, like the martial artist, are not concerned with the past: you deal only with the present, experiencing the here and now. Therefore, neither you nor the martial artist is burdened by excess baggage.
You both have learned to let go. You have learned not to take a toxic situation from the past into your present time and space. As a result, peacefulness and pleasantness reside in your demeanor, your body language, face, language, verbal tones, and in everything you happen to say to others.
For the third step, while continuing to take control over the situation, make certain that you are in absolute conscious control by controlling your breathing. This technique gives you the split-second timing to reach into your bag of “verbal self-defense strategies” and pick the one appropriate to that particular situation.
Picking the right verbal weapon with which to defend yourself does take a lot of skill. But don’t worry. With a lot of practice, you, just like the black belt in karate, will learn to develop the skill to become a verbal black belt.
The martial arts expert is well-versed in his stances, blocks, and kicks. By having control over the situation, you are equally well-versed in your stance (head and body posture), moves (facial, arm, and hand movements), and kicks (verbal self-defense strategies). The martial artist has physical advantage over his opponent; you now have vocal advantage over your opponent.
Now for the fourth step. When the martial artist decides to kick back, watch out. The results are not pretty.
Neither are they pretty when you decide to “kick back” verbally, as your opponent will definitely get a dose of his own verbal poison. He might even get more than he bargained for. Because he will be completely disarmed, rest assured that he will definitely think twice about attacking you—the verbal black belt—or anyone else, for that matter.

Picking Your Strategy

2009-08-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

Now that you know that you have to make a choice, because your life can literally depend on it, you need to know that you are in complete control. You are in control of picking the right strategy to use at the right time with the right verbal enemy. If one strategy doesn’t work, know that you have others from which to choose.
The thing to remember in picking your verbal weapon is that, like the martial artist, you are never initially on the offensive. The black belt in karate keeps her lethal weapons (her hands and feet) under wraps until she must defend herself.
Similarly, you too need to keep your verbal weapons under wraps until the point that you have to verbally defend yourself.

Make a Choice and Make It Now

2009-07-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

The soldier has choices, but he has to make those choices in a split second. His choices determine the outcome of his well-being. He can run for his life, he can hide, he can shoot back, or he can use a hand grenade and blow everything to bits. He also has another choice, and that is to do nothing and die in battle.
This scenario would never have happened at all had the leaders of the two opposing sides sat down in an attempt to make peace with one another.
Even though this is a rather harsh analogy, it’s the naked truth! After all, this book is about defending yourself against the enemy—the verbal enemy!
The strategy for verbal self-defense is no different from the one the soldier uses. You, like the soldier, have to make choices—and immediate choices at that! The choices you make determine the outcome of your wellbeing.
You can run for your life and never look back (the Unplug Strategy). You can shoot back (Mirroring Strategy). You can really let the verbal enemy have it, by verbally blowing him or her to bits (Give ‘Em Hell and Yell Technique). Finally, you can do nothing. You can simply remain silent and allow the verbally abusive enemy’s toxins to fester inside you, to the point that it makes you mentally or physically ill. If the verbal abuse takes place over long periods of time, the end result can even kill you!

Keep Your Eyes and Ears Open at All Times

2009-07-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

The first thing you need to do when dealing with a toxic situation is get your head out of the sand and face the situation directly. If you don’t do this the only one who is going to get hurt is you.
The first step of any martial arts training is to keep your eyes fixed on your opponent so that you can anticipate any move he or she makes. This way you can block his kick, and take him off balance by leaning back or going forward. The same is true in the verbal arts. You need to keep both your eyes and your ears on the alert at all times.
It’s time to come out of the closet! It’s time to admit to yourself and to everyone else that you are a human being. You are a human being who both requires and deserves respect—respect from others, and most important of all, self-respect.
A self-respecting human being would never allow the earlier scenario to go so far. She would nip it in the bud immediately! When a soldier is engaged in actual battle on the battlefield, does she wait two hours, a week, a month, or a year to deal with the enemy who has just attacked her? Of course not! It goes without saying that she would be dead if she didn’t handle the situation immediately!

Knowing When to Attack Back

2009-07-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

It is only when you really know yourself (which you probably do by now) that you become utterly confident and secure that you are doing the right thing. You automatically know when to take matters in your own hands and attack back! You know what your limits are. Nobody else but you does.
In order to feel more comfortable attacking back, think of all the times in your life when you didn’t attack back or respond to your verbal adversary. Think about how you felt immediately afterwards, two hours later, during your sleep (not being able to sleep, or having a bad dream about it), and when you got up the next morning. In the following chart, put an X next to the times of the day when someone said something that bothered you.
Write down as many situations as you can remember, even from childhood, where you took the verbal abuse and didn’t react immediately.

Through the Looking Glass

2009-06-28T08:36:00.001-07:00

The best way to practice the Imaginary Conversation Strategy is while you are looking into a mirror. That way, as you talk to yourself, you will be more conscious of your facial expressions, posture, voice, and how other people see you. You might want to put a tape recorder near you as you rehearse the various scenarios while looking in the mirror. It can serve as a barometer to let you know how you come across vocally during certain levels of anger or excitement.
The very best time to practice is in the morning when you are already looking in the mirror to either shave or put on your makeup. Why not take a few extra moments to practice your strategy? You can even do it in your car when you are alone, perhaps while driving to and from work.

Imaginary Conversation Strategy

2009-06-28T08:34:00.000-07:00

You need to practice what you are going to say to your verbal adversary. You need to imagine yourself talking to him, playing out every possible scenario in your mind. Then, when it comes time for you to face the real situation, it will be a piece of cake for you. You will have already rehearsed what to say in every possible outcome so that you are no longer nervous when you have to have a face-off on the verbal battleground.
As you talk to yourself, imagine asking out the guy or girl you like.
Imagine them saying “yes.” Then imagine them saying “no.” Finally, imagine them saying “maybe.” Practice what you would say in each of these possible outcomes.
Now, in your mind, ask your boss for a raise. Picture yourself sitting down in the chair in front of his desk. See yourself sitting with the confident sitting posture you learned about in previous chapters. See yourself looking directly at his face as you say, “Mr Brown, I have been with the company for over four years and have brought in thousands of dollars of new business every month. This is why I feel comfortable talking with you about the possibility of raising my salary.”
See yourself, hear yourself, feel yourself going over and over the scenario. Going over it while picturing yourself gives you confidence. Do it over again and again, until you are devoid of stammering and mumbling.
Bear down on exactly what you want to say until it is committed to memory. Practice until saying what you want to say becomes second nature to you. Now again, visualize your reaction if the boss says “yes,” then your reaction and response if he says “no” or “maybe.” By the time you have to actually sit down in front of your boss and ask him for a raise, you will be 150 percent prepared.
Use this strategy to practice telling someone off or confronting someone who has betrayed you. After examining every possible scenario in your mind, you will know exactly what to say and how to say it to your verbal adversary.

Verbally Pumping Up

2009-06-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

Just as the boxer, wrestler, and karate champion have to do a standard workout before they get into the arena to defend themselves against their opponents, you have to do the same.
They have a daily physical exercise regimen that requires exercises to stretch and build up the muscles in their upper and lower body. They do this every day to make themselves stronger, more limber, and more confident in their physical abilities.
Similarly, you need to have a daily verbal exercise regimen that prepares you for any verbally venomous opponent you will encounter. You need to work out the physical, verbal, and communication skills. Doing exercises for posture, breathing, voice, jaw, nasality, pronunciation, and communication skills will help you become more verbally limber and more confident in your communication abilities.

A Verbal Weakling No More!

2009-05-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

Remember the cartoon where the big buffed-up bully kicks sand in the face of the 90-pound weakling? Then the little guy works out and pumps up. Now he’s the one who kicks the sand kicker’s behind as he’s bigger and nger after a regimen of weight training and diet.
You are in the same position as the little guy. You are going to be trained and fed with the proper verbal utrients—the right words to say to any adversary in any circumstance. This in turn will allow you to pump yurself up and kick some verbal butt!

Entering the Verbal Combat Zone.

2009-05-29T09:24:00.000-07:00

You need to be prepared for everything and anything as you learn the art of verbal self-defense. You might not be looking for a fight, an argument, or any problems. For example, you go out to walk your dog, and a perfect stranger walks by and tells you a dead dog story—something you don’t want to hear, especially at 7 A.M. Then you go to the corner to buy a newspaper. As you put out your hand to pay the vendor, someone in line curses you because she says she was there first, even though you know that you were there before she was. Next, you unsuspectingly go to get a cup of cappuccino at an upscale coffee shop on the corner. You are met by a nasty, abrupt, impatient server who looks at you in disgust when you hand him a ten dollar bill and he is forced to make change for you. As you sit down, you see someone sitting alone at the next table. You smile and say good morning, she looks away as though you were invisible.
Your day is filled with meetings, but before it begins your boss is barking out commands devoid of “please” or “thank you,” or, for that matter, any terms of politeness. He shouts only about the few things you did wrong, ignoring the fact that you did everything else right. In fact, you have done things so right that you are still the number one salesperson in the company over the past six months.
As if your day couldn’t get any worse, you finally get to go home and relax, only to discover that you are getting the silent treatment from your spouse for something you must have done. No kiss, no hug, nothing.
Perplexed, you ask “what’s wrong,” only to hear “nothing’s wrong!”
Could things possibly get any worse?
Guess what? You have just entered the verbal combat zone! But there is good news—you need not be a victim anymore! Help has finally arrived! The pages to come will show you how to effectively strategize to defend yourself against these foes. You will never be a verbal victim again.

Never Say You’ll Call If You Don’t Mean It!

2009-05-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

I can’t begin to tell you the number of people whom I have seen with broken hearts, people who have literally waited by the phone for that expected call and never received it. Even if they had a phone answering machine, they sacrificed going out somewhere to personally pick up the phone to hear the promiser’s call. So if you don’t intend to call, don’t say you will! If you think that by saying it you’re being polite, you are not! In reality, you are being extremely rude and potentially hurtful! You have even elicited negative feelings in the person whom you promised to call.
In the same vein, don’t say “let’s get together” or agree to get together if you don’t intend to do it. It is usually taken seriously and can elicit negative feelings about you from the people you misled.

Don’t Be a Liar—Follow Up Immediately!

2009-04-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

If you said something during the conversation that requires a follow-up, then follow up. Forgetting is no excuse! Write yourself a note and put it in a place where you’ll be sure to see it. Do it! Whether it’s giving someone a business call, placing her in contact with another person, sending him an article, or anything else, act immediately on what you said!

It's Over—I Wanna Go Now

2009-04-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

As the old saying goes, it takes two to tango. Just as the person you are talking to might be turned off to you, it goes both ways. The other person may not be all that you bargained for. The main thing is to maintain your dignity and that others maintain theirs. Never be a hypocrite and say that you'll call or get together with them if that is not your real intention. This makes for ill feelings in the long run.
If you never intend to see someone again, just tell him that you enjoyed speaking with him. If you want to move on and talk to someone else, do so, but do it graciously. Say: “I'm glad we had the opportunity to chat.
Would you please excuse me, because I need to speak to someone over there.” If you just want to mingle, tell them: “I'm glad we met. I am going to mingle now” (or “meet some other people”). Always remember, the last thing you say leaves a lasting impression, so be gracious and leave with a firm handshake and a smile.

Talking Ethnic

2009-04-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

In order to bond with someone from a different culture, it's best to know what certain words mean before you use them. An American ice skater went on Australian television and said “when I last skated, I fell on my fanny.” To an American that's not funny at all, but to an Australian, it's hysterical! Translated into Australian, she said “when I last skated, I fell on my vagina.” So you have to be careful. To help you, I have come up with a list of some common ethnic words and phrases (many familiar to you) so that you will know what people are talking about when you hear them. If necessary, I list their pronunciation after the term.

Latin Terms Commonly Used in English
• modus operandi (MO)—method of procedure
• modicum of decorum—way of behavior
• per diem (per DEE um) or per annum—by the day or by the year
• in absentia—in one's absence
• status quo—the present state of things
• de facto—in actuality
• ex post facto—after the fact
• pueris enternis—man refusing to grow up
• per se (per SAY)—in itself, intrinsically
• persona non grata—person not welcome

German Terms Commonly Used in English
• wunderkind (VUN der kind)—talented, precocious child
• angst—foreboding or anxiety
• doppleganger—mirror image
• verboten (vayer BOAT tin)—forbidden
• gesundheit (gez ZUNT hite)—to your health (said after one sneezes)
• zeitgeist (ZITE guyst)—spirit of an era
• wanderlust—yearning to travel

Yiddish Terms Commonly Used in English
• mishigas (mish shig Goss)—insanity
• shlep—drag
• mensch—a person who does good by others
• yenta—gossipy person
• chutzpha (HOOTS pah)—a lot of nerve

Bingo! You Got the Lingo!

2009-03-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

There is perhaps nothing more embarrassing than trying to relate to someone while using the wrong words or lingo in the wrong context. People will laugh at you, think you are not hip, or think you’re trying too hard to relate.
So what are you supposed to do if you don’t know what a word means? Don’t be embarrassed. If you don’t know, ask “what do you mean by ___?” This way, you add a new word to your vocabulary.
If you can speak a person’s language, you usually have that person on your team, because you can identify with one another and know what the other is really trying to communicate. When I first started doing talk shows I didn’t always understand the language that was spoken. However, as time went on, I have learned how to both speak and understand some of today’s hippest words. I have learned how to talk “street.”
Chillin’ does not mean sticking something in the refrigerator. It means to relax or hang out. Fly doesn’t mean that pesky insect that sits on your hamburgers when you’re picnicking. Instead, it means great looking—sexy. If someone thinks they are all that, they are full of themselves and think they’re fly. Bad means good. Homey does not mean a cozy house, nor do homes mean a group of houses. Derived from the word homeboys, neighborhood gang members, it means buddy or close friend. An even closer friend is a bro, which can also be used as a greeting. “Hey bro wuss happenin’ man” means “Hello, how are you?” When you kick ‘em to the curb, you aren’t literally using your feet to push them over the edge of the pavement. Instead, you are getting rid of someone with whom you haven’t had a happenin’ (good, working) relationship.

Know What You're Talking About!

2009-03-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

“A little knowledge is a dangerous thing,” so make sure you know quite a bit about a subject before you spout off. If you're giving someone information, make sure it's the right information. Otherwise keep quiet! There is nothing more annoying than a “know-it-all” who knows nothing.
If you're unfamiliar with a topic, don't be afraid to say so and ask questions of people.
If they are impatient with you or act as thought they think you are stupid for asking, let them know in no uncertain terms that they are out of line. Their intolerance certainly tells you a lot about how toxic they are. So watch out for them! Their actions may have revealed that they are a person from whom you need to keep your distance.

Getting Deeper and Deeper.

2009-03-29T08:56:00.000-07:00

Let’s say the conversation is going quite well. You discover more and more about one another. You’re learning about your similarities as well as your differences. If you understand the person and can relate when you talk about specific topics or philosophies, there is a greater chance that this person will feel more favorably towards you—even become part of your life. If you enjoy the same topics and can speak each other’s language (and that doesn’t just mean standard English!), you’re both doing well.

Elaborate—Don’t Interrogate!

2009-02-26T03:14:00.000-08:00

In the Elaboration Technique, you ask the person who, what, when, where, and why—questions. Use techniques developed by journalists. Remember to ask your question and then elaborate on the person’s answer by asking another question related to their last answer.
This is a wonderful technique that helps you uncover things you both might share in common. If their answers are curt, if they seem annoyed, bored, or disinterested, ask another question, or cut the conversation short, it’s a hint that they may no longer wish to speak with you. So leave!
Remember to maintain eye-to-eye contact at all times. It gives you a better opportunity to observe a person and react to what you see. In doing so, you will make the person feel important and make yourself aware of their facial and body cues. These invaluable messages will also let you know, in a non-verbal way, that they wish you’d leave, or that they couldn’t bear it if you left. The example in the “Talk Back!” section on the next page clearly illustrates how a compliment about a dress initiates the topic of travel, which results in the two people realizing they have something in common, which is further elaborated on to find another commonalty, and so on and so on.
Studies have shown that the more you have in common with someone, the more likely you are to begin a relationship. Thus, the Elaboration Technique is just the tool you need to discover potential friends.

Ask, Ask, and Keep Asking!

2009-02-26T02:50:00.000-08:00

The first rule is to ask questions, but not invasive ones. What I am actually saying is to think before you speak so that you don't put your foot in your mouth and embarrass or insult everyone, including yourself. Instead, try to find some common ground as you continue to ask questions and relate to the person.

Maintaining a Confident Conversation

2009-02-26T02:47:00.000-08:00

So many people become mute after they say “hello.” They have succeeded in getting the person to acknowledge them and to make that first contact. Now they freeze, go blank, and stand there like a deer in headlights, not knowing what to do or say and mumbling about something stupid.
If this scenario sounds all too familiar and you’ve been there/done that, help is on the way! The reason you acted like a vegetable is that you began to focus on yourself instead of paying attention to the other person. You were more concerned about things working out right and about being interesting, witty, and clever than you were about what the other person was all about. In essence, you were not interested. You may try to contradict me here by saying “of course I am interested, or I wouldn’t have approached them in the first place.” True, you were interested, but you were interested in you making a good impression. If you shifted your attention away from yourself, you would never have felt so awkward and out of place.

Initiating a Confident Conversation.

2009-01-29T09:22:00.001-08:00

Coolness aside, here are some things not to do when initiating a conversation. Otherwise your conversation will
end before it begins.

Don’t tell lame jokes or a joke where there is a 50 percent chance people won’t like it.
Don’t excessively fawn over the person.
Don’t make sarcastic comments or cutting remarks in an attempt to appear cute. There’s nothing cute about being obnoxious.
Don’t lie to give someone a compliment, and don’t use a standard line they’ve probably heard a thousand times before.

Instead, here are some icebreakers guaranteed to help you initiate conversation.

Give people a sincere compliment without fawning over them.
Bring up a current news event (the juicier the better!).
Speak positively about people whom you both may know.
Tell people you observed them and thought that they

Resemble a friend, relative, or famous person.
Look like they are from ____ (This can be whatever you decide. Just don’t say Mars or make a lame comment.)
Work out or are in good shape. Ask if they are athletic.

Only a Fool Plays It Cool!

2009-01-29T09:20:00.000-08:00

There are those who think they are being cool by acting aloof. Even if they are chomping at the bit or drooling at the mouth and would give almost anything just to meet the person across the room, they don’t. It’s not because they are shy and intimidated, it is because they are trying to act “cool.” This coolness takes the form of not looking at people or returning their glance or smile. It’s looking down or pretending to be very animated in conversation with someone else. It’s designed to let someone know that you are cool—a catch—albeit difficult to catch. Acting cool is quite common among young people in their teens and twenties, but it often continues into adulthood. It’s a power game that establishes who’s going to be in control. Just remember, the people who play this game ultimately lose.
The cool people may lose an opportunity to enhance their professional lives. The person they have snubbed may have been an important conduit towards success in their career.

You Die When You’re Shy!

2009-01-29T09:17:00.000-08:00

You both connect with one another, you’ve returned glances and smiles, but what to do you next? You’re paralyzed with fear. You rationalize that you are feeling this way only because you are “a shy person.” Well, if that’s what you want to believe about yourself, you may as well crawl into a hole and live there.
Life is to be lived. Opportunities are to be taken and people are to be met. If you have ever felt like kicking yourself, even years later, for not making that first move and saying something, you are not alone. To make sure this situation never happens again, re-label yourself and remove the word “shyness” from your vocabulary. You have nothing to be shy (insecure) about anymore.
Of course, you have to have something to say, and in the rest of this chapter you’ll learn what to say to break the ice.

Do It Anyway!

2009-01-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

Come on—just smile! Even though you don't feel like it, do it anyway! Nine times out of ten, the other person will smile back.
If you're having trouble kick-starting your smile, simply visualize yourself smiling at them and them returning the smile, accepting you, returning your compliments, and engaging you in conversation. Visualize yourself having them as a potential client, employer, employee, friend, lover, or even mate. Now visualize the reverse. See the situation being a disaster, with them paying no attention to you, giving you dirty looks, and walking away from you. Did you die? No, you survived, with all your parts intact. So what's stopping you? What's the worst that can happen? Let's say that the person rejects you. There is nothing bad that can happen, not even bruised ego, because this is also an exercise in seeing reality—the reality that not everyone will be attracted to you nor will you be attracted to them. After your positive and negative visualizations, enter the situation with a clean slate, erasing from your mind every pre-conceived notion about the person and about yourself. Remember to do the Relaxation Breathing Technique before you make your move. Now go for it! Do it! Smile!

Smile All the While

2009-01-13T09:02:00.000-08:00

Stop! Look and smile, and keep looking and smiling! That is the best way to meet someone you are attracted to. If someone looks at you, smile back out of respect. If you are not interested, make it a short, curt smile and then look away. This shows that you have politely acknowledged him or her. If you are attracted to the person, no matter who looked at whom first, simply smile a little longer and say hello. If they return your hello, you have a golden opportunity to start talking and to make a new friend. I have met so many people this way, especially in airports, and many of them have turned out to be some of my closest and dearest friends.
Granted, at first it may be very uncomfortable for you to make this behavior part of your life. But with practice it will become a habit, and a pleasant one at that.

Ending the “I Think That You Think That I Think” Game Forever!

2009-01-13T09:01:00.000-08:00

For the most part, who cares what people think about you? Even if they don't like you, before even meeting you, they won't have laser beams coming out of their eyes to burn you. Usually, what a stranger thinks about you is irrelevant and none of your business. As long as you like you and feel secure with yourself, that's what counts.
So stop making yourself nuts playing the “I think, you think, I think” game. The truth is that they aren't even thinking about you or anything else. They may have a sourpuss expression on their faces because they are hungry or their tummy hurts.
If your mind starts to play the “I think, they think” game, stop yourself immediately using the “cancel that thought” technique. Only instead of doing this technique by speaking out loud, think it silently to yourself.

The Real Secret of Talking to Anyone

2009-01-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

You can read a million self-help books on how to have a great conversation. In fact, I know of about five books on the market with similar titles about how to speak to anyone about anything. Television interviewer Barbara Walters released one of these books in the '70s; more recently, talk-show host Larry King had one published.
You can sum up this entire topic up in just four words: Be interested—not interesting! Listen and ask sincere questions, and you'll be surprised at how many successful business liaisons you will
develop and how many friends you will make. No matter how you deny it, everyone—you, me, and everyone else in the world—loves to talk about their favorite and most interesting topic—themselves! When you stimulate that topic, they like it, and in turn they like you!

Don’t Like the Answer? Then Don’t Ask the Question.

2008-12-30T06:38:00.000-08:00

Too many people bait you by trying to get you to commit to an answer or get your opinion even though you may be reluctant to give it. Then, if they don’t like what they hear, they will take it out on you or on themselves. Often they can never forgive you. In order to avoid giving them an answer they may not want to hear and to circumvent the dilemma of being damned if you speak and damned if you don’t speak, be diplomatic. If you sense that they will hold a grudge against you for life, think carefully about answering them. It may seem like the cowardly thing to do, but it is your judgment call. Trust your instincts. Another tactic is to change the subject or excuse yourself from the room for a moment (go to the bathroom, for instance). This might buy enough time that they will forget and go on to another topic. If they persist, tell them that you feel uncomfortable and don’t want them to hate you if they don’t like the answer they are about to hear. If you are the recipient of the news, take full responsibility for asking the question, and most importantly,
“don’t kill the messenger.”

Respect Should Be Your Mantra

2008-12-30T06:36:00.000-08:00

We throw the word “respect” around like a Frisbee, but nobody pays much attention to what it really means.
When you respect, you appreciate, cherish, honor, and admire.
In essence, you look up to the person. That doesn’t mean that you look down at yourself and hold him in higher esteem. Instead, it means that you honor who he is. With “respect” comes the complete consciousness and awareness of the other person. You need to always be aware of his time. That means when he says he has to go, let him go. Don’t keep him.
When people say they’re going to accomplish something no matter how large or small the project is, respect them enough to assume that they will accomplish what they said they would accomplish. Don’t give any reasons why it can’t be done. Don’t even think about negating or diluting what they said.

Mind Your Own Business!

2008-12-30T06:35:00.000-08:00

Don’t impose; don’t get too detailed. Read their body, face, and verbal cues. Don’t ignorantly and unconsciously keep asking questions. Let them volunteer. Don’t invade their privacy or personal space. If you pay close enough attention, you’ll know when you have done so. If you have, back off immediately!
Don’t offer advice unless you are asked. This is a sure-fire way to alienate people, especially if they don’t like your advice. You will feel bad that they didn’t heed it. And they in turn will feel bad that you are judging them, when in reality you were only trying to help them.
Minding your own business means keeping confidences. Even though we all love the dirt, it’s ugly when someone tells you something that is her personal business. Therefore, mind your

Enough About You Already!

2008-12-30T06:33:00.000-08:00

Constant talking about yourself angers people who are forced to listen to you. They might react by becoming short-tempered with you or by making fun of you. You might, however, be so self-consumed that you won’t hear them anyway, or don’t care even if you do care. Eventually, in addition to avoiding talking to you, they will use you as the brunt of jokes with their friends. The bottom line is, share the stage! Don’t hog the conversation!

Let Them Speak Their Piece

2008-12-14T22:54:00.000-08:00

If you really want to aggravate people, just keep interrupting them when they are trying to make a point. People who interrupt are considered to be extremely annoying as well as toxic.
To curb your tendency to interrupt someone constantly, do the following:
1. Take the tip of your tongue and stick it between your two front teeth.
2. Bite down hard on your tongue (not so hard that you bite off your tongue or make it bleed).
3. Stick your tongue back in your mouth.
The stinging and lasting pain you experience from having bitten your tongue will serve as reminder to keep your tongue in your mouth and let the other person speak.

Terms of Endearment

2008-12-14T22:52:00.000-08:00

A verbal pat on the back is only a few vertebrae away from a verbal kick in the pants. When you want to maintain good relationships with people who you like, always incorporate terms of endearment. “Please,” “would you mind,” “I like [or “love,” if appropriate] it when you __” are musts, no matter how familiar you are with the person.
“Honey,” “sweetie,” “baby,” “dear,” “love,” and “darling” are great terms to use when you have just been in verbal battle with a loved one. These terms often reassure the person that no matter how angry you both got at one another, you still feel tremendous affection towards her. On the other hand, the consequences of speaking these words to the wrong person in the wrong context can be disastrous. They can land you in front of a judge in a sexual harassment suit or get you fired, not to mention generating a lot of unnecessary hard feelings.
Southerners and older people who see nothing wrong with calling someone they like “darlin” have to be extra careful, since their use of terms of endearment are a way of life.
The moral of this story is to be always mindful of whom you are going to verbally endear.

Pay Attention to Trigger Words and Phrases.

2008-12-14T22:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, things are going along fine, and then all of a sudden you hear a word or a phrase that sets you off, starting a full-scale war. These words and phrases can cause long-buried negative emotions to resurface.
The following list gives some phrases you should never use. They are destined to trigger a negative response and put someone on the defensive. When a sentence or conversation begins with any of these phrases, the person has automatically tuned you out, is ready to attack, or is ready to verbally defend himself.

1. You should have ___
2. You never ___
3. Why don't you ever ___
4. Why didn't you ___
5. You'd better ___
6. I don't believe you.
7. That's not true.
8. Don't you ever ___
9. How could you ever ___
10. You make me ___

Instead, you might want to substitute the phrases listed here with the following phrases, which are destined to get the person to hear you and perhaps do what you want them to do:

1. Perhaps you could ___
2. I'd appreciate it if you would ___
3. It would be in your best interest if you would ___
4. Have you looked at it from this point of view?
5. I don't mean to contradict you, but have you also considered ___?
6. Perhaps we could both ___
7. May I suggest ___?
8. I would prefer _____
9. It hurts my feelings when you don't ___
10. Do you think it would be a good idea if ___?
11. I would never criticize you, but don't you think that perhaps__?

Monitor Your Mouth

2008-12-14T22:49:00.000-08:00

Just as it is essential to know when to speak up, it is equally important to know when to keep quiet. You can do this by observing your opponents clearly.
If you stop, look at them, and really listen and empathize with them, you will be surprised at how much less frequently you will say the wrong thing. You will become more conscious of your words. If you stop and suck in air for a moment before you speak, you will never make a faux pas. Mistakes like these are usually made when you are not thinking about whom you are speaking to and what you intend to say.

Speak Up Immediately!

2008-12-14T22:48:00.000-08:00

No festering allowed! No shoving what they said, and your emotional reactions to it, under the table! No more keeping things in. Speak out immediately. The best phrase for you to use when you are miffed by what someone had just said is, “Excuse me, what did you mean by that? Explain what you mean.”
If you heard right the first time, and they said what you thought they said, take immediate issue. What happens when it’s 2 A.M., and your thinking about a perceived negative comment keeps you up? Call the person first thing in the morning when she gets into work, and deal with it then. Otherwise, if it’s a reasonable time in the day, call her as soon as the comment starts to bother you.

Open Your Heart!a

2008-11-29T08:05:00.001-08:00

When we are angry or upset, our body, especially our hearts, react much differently than when we have good and positive feelings about a person.
Here is a technique that can help you open your heart, even toward a verbal adversary. Try to imagine that person as a sweet and innocent baby. Try to find one good point about him and focus on that thought. If you can't find at least one good thing about him, you haven't looked hard enough.
Opening up your heart towards the adversary may often result in diffusing his hostility and anger. Don't hesitate to make the first move—whether you smile at him, put out your hand for a friendly handshake, or make a kind remark. If the situation is befitting, you can even offer a short and warm “hello” kiss. You'll get a lot of satisfaction from taking him off-guard.
Your loving and heartfelt gestures often diffuse others' anger and hostility towards you. So don't be surprised if you see a 180-degree turn in their behavior. Watch them metamorphose from mean to nice in less than 10 seconds.
Congratulations, you have just won the first battle in the verbal war!

Open Your Mind!

2008-11-29T08:01:00.000-08:00

To gain the winning advantage over your verbally vicious opponent, you need to deflate all prejudices or preconceived notions you have about him or her. Begin each interaction with a fresh new outlook.
This might seem a Herculean task, and indeed it does require a lot of practice and inner harmony to accomplish. I'm not telling you to forget about how awful they can be. I am not telling you not to be on guard. What I am telling you is to follow the same approach used by martial artists. When they face their opponents, they show no fear or anger towards their opponents and clear their minds of any previous feelings toward them.
A closed mind begets closed life. An open mind, on the other hand, results in an open and exciting life filled with the excited anticipation of what is going to happen next. An open, non-prejudiced mind allows you to deal with any situation or person that may come your way because you are free of preconceived notions. You are ready for any surprise!

Thoughts in Your Head

2008-11-29T07:50:00.001-08:00

You are what you think! It doesn't matter what others think. It only matters what you think about you. It's as simple as the fact that if you think good thoughts, more good will happen to you, while if you think bad thoughts, more bad will come to you. If you really believe you can do something, most likely you will do it.
If you really want to work to replace the ideas that you are a failure in life and that you are limited in how far you can go, try meditation and affirmation tapes by Guru Ji Pillai, Ph.D. The tapes teach you how to think “vertically”—to think about infinite possibilities in your life. This is in contrast to horizontal thinking—going along with the status quo and being stuck in a rut. Guru Ji says that only by expanding your thoughts and your awareness can you manifest your goals and life dreams. His philosophies and concepts are so effective that popular author Dr. Wayne Dyer has incorporated Guru Ji's unique technique in his best-selling book Manifest Your Destiny.

The Power of the Word—What a Surprise!

2008-11-29T07:39:00.000-08:00

Whether you believe in metaphysics or precognitions, in my personal research of tragic stories, I've observed that when people utter negative expectations, these usually come to pass. This is called the “self-fulfilling prophecy.” If you don't think that you can do something, chances are that you can't or that you won't do it well.
Even if you are feeling a little insecure because you have never done something before, keep telling yourself that you can do it: you'll be surprised at what happens. Many successful athletes and Olympic winners with whom I've worked use this technique. So did the little train in the ever-popular children's story. The little train “thought he could,” and by golly, he did get up that steep railroad track!

Talk Nice to You and Others Will Too

2008-11-29T07:35:00.000-08:00

Never be a verbal abuser to the person you need to care for the most—YOU! When you say negative things to yourself, you are unconsciously chipping away at your self-worth, which obviously diminishes your selfesteem. You might think that you are being humble by cutting yourself down or being self-deprecating, but you are not.
Instead you are exhibiting a weakness—a “one-downsmanship” that your verbally hostile opponent can latch onto. In essence, you are giving your opponent more verbal ammunition to use against you. It may feel okay or painless when you make a cutting remark about yourself. When that cutting remark comes out of the mouths of other people, however, suddenly there is a painful sting to their zing! They might even add more verbal poison to the cutting remarks you already made about yourself. They may embellish what you said, thereby making their cut even deeper and more excruciating by hitting one of your most vulnerable emotional spots. Imagine.
The moral of this lesson is this: Don't add to the arsenal of your verbal enemy—don't say bad things to yourself.

Don’t Like Something About Yourself? Change It!

2008-11-13T01:20:00.000-08:00

If you happen to dislike something about yourself, with all the choices available to you these days, you can definitely improve or change it. You might protest, “this is the body or face I was given, so why change it?” In a sense, of course, you are absolutely right! Why change what was given to you naturally? On the other hand, if you’re self-conscious
about some aspect of yourself such as your nose or body, improving it can change your entire outlook about yourself.
Psychotherapists exist to help you improve your personality, while plastic surgeons, skin specialists, speech and voice coaches, hairdressers, dentists, orthodontists, clothing and makeup consultants, and weight-loss specialists can help you become the best you can be. There are no more excuses! You can be all that you want to be—if you want to be all that you are!
When you really like yourself, are willing to accept everything about yourself, and are working to improve the things you don’t like, you become more secure within yourself. As a result you become more powerful. Your power and radiance can be blinding to your verbal adversaries, who might just back off.

You Gotta Like You!

2008-11-13T01:17:00.000-08:00

It’s not enough to know yourself. You must like yourself as well. If you like and respect you, others usually follow suit. They wouldn’t dream of treating you any way you wouldn’t treat yourself.
When you like you, you don’t let people walk over you, abuse you, or say horrible things to you. You know how you fit into the world. You come from a position of self-respect and in turn demand that respect from others. If you are being treated poorly and consistently spoken to in an abusive manner in your relationship, you are treating yourself poorly by staying in that relationship. The first step to changing this situation is to like yourself enough to get out! Get out immediately! The book Toxic People—10 Ways of Dealing with People Who Make Your Life Miserable, gives you all the steps you need to unplug from this extremely toxic situation.

“Who Are You?” Quiz

2008-11-13T01:07:00.000-08:00

In the back of every issue of Vanity Fair magazine is a page on which a celebrity is asked provocative questions. If you cover up the celebrity's answer and substitute your own, you will be surprised by the things you can discover about yourself—things that never entered your mind before. In the following list, you will find a series of questions ranging from easy to some requiring considerable thought. Answer with the first thing that comes into your mind. Enjoy! “Who Are You?” Quiz
1. Favorite color ___
2. Favorite type of music ___
3. Favorite type of film ___
4. Favorite animal ______
5. Three adjectives describing it ______
6. Favorite smell _____
7. Favorite food ______
8. I like to drink ______
9. My favorite sport is _____
10. My favorite city is _____
11. My favorite books are _____
12. I usually read ______
13. My favorite TV show is ___
14. My favorite actor is _____
15. My favorite actress is ___
16. Favorite season ___
17. Favorite time of the day ___
18. If there was a disaster I would grab ___
19. Favorite male ___
20. Favorite female ______
21. Three things I love to do ______
22. The happiest time of my life ________
23. The worst time of my life ________
24. Three things I would like on a desert island _____
25. Three people I would like on a desert island ________
26. The woman I admire the most ________
27. The man I admire the most ________
28. Three women I admire ________
29. Why ________
30. Three men I admire ________
31. Why ________
32. When I was a child I admired _____
33. Who is my mother ________
34. Who is my father ________
35. People who make me miserable ___
36. Why ________
37. When I was younger _____
38. When I get older ________
39. When I get angry, I ________
40. What upsets me the most is _____
41. I regret ________
42. I never regret ________
43. I am so happy I ________
44. Beautiful women make me feel _____
45. Powerful men make me feel ______
46. Powerful women make me feel ______
47. Handsome men make me feel ________
48. What makes me cry is _____
49. What makes me laugh is _____
50. My biggest fantasy would be ________
51. Whenever I'm nervous, I _____
52. When I look in the mirror I ________
53. The three qualities I look for in a friend are _____
54. The three traits that turn me off in people are _____
55. I could vomit if _____
56. When I get angry, I _____
57. When I get nervous, I _____
58. A perfect mate would ________
59. A perfect life would be ________
60. My three best traits are _____
61. My three worst traits are ________
62. I love _____
63. I hate ________
64. My childhood was _____
65. As an adult I ________
66. I'd never change ________
67. I'd love to change ________
68. I see myself as ________
69. Others see me as ________
70. Next week I want to ________
71. Next month I want to ________
72. Next year I want to ________
73. In the next 5 years, I want to _____
74. If I were President, I would _____
75. If I had three wishes, they would be _____

There are no right or wrong answers. Your responses merely make up a profile of who you are. How many questions did you have to ponder before you could answer them? How many questions were easy to answer?
Examining your answers gives you an even greater opportunity to look inside yourself and even make changes in how you see yourself and live your life. This survey is also excellent to do several times a year, so that you can chart your personal development.
It might also be a good idea to have loved ones fill out the same questionnaire; then you all can share your results. This can bond you closer to the ones you love.

Who in the World Are You?

2008-11-13T01:03:00.000-08:00

When you know yourself, you know the world around you and how you fit in. You know what you will and won’t tolerate. You will know who and what is good for you and who or what isn’t.
Many insecurities come about because we don’t really know ourselves, and as a result we aren’t sure about ourselves. We know more about others than we know about ourselves. You probably can rattle off your mate’s favorite color, food, and turn-ons and turn-offs. If I asked you these same questions about yourself, however, you probably could not answer as quickly, and would most likely have to stop and think for a while.
Why? Because you have never taken the time to really think about your likes and dislikes. Unless you have spent several years in psychoanalysis, you have not closely examined yourself. You haven’t invested much time into thinking about all of the parts of you that make you who you are. Now it’s time for you to learn as much as you can about the number one person in your life—YOU! It’s your chance to become introspective and find out all you ever wanted to know but didn’t think to ask about yourself.

Spit It Out Already!

2008-11-13T00:59:00.000-08:00

According to my Gallup poll, many people were also annoyed by someone who spoke too slowly. You may do this while you are thinking, thus ignoring the person you are speaking to. If you have a boring, monotonous voice, you might tend to exaggerate your vowels. In order to stop this, be mindful each time you speak. As you sip in air before you begin to speak, think of spending only one second on each vowel. This way, you speed up and talk at a rate at which people find it pleasurable to listen to you.
It is also important, especially if you are in a situation where you are expected to do some public speaking, to avoid saying the following words: “like,” “um,” and “uh.” So be mindful of your filler words. Silence is better than making someone listen to these motor-like sounds. Flowing your sounds together and coordinating your breathing with your talking (as mentioned earlier) can help.
Spending one second on each vowel, as well as consciously stopping yourself whenever you want to “um” and “uh,” can also help you to modify this negative behavior. Hearing silence is better than hearing your annoying sounds.

Quiet! My Ears Can’t Take It!

2008-10-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

Speaking too loudly is often a sign of hearing loss. If you find that people are wincing when you speak or shushing you on a regular basis, you should consider seeing a doctor. The solution may be as simple as having your ears cleaned out.

Slow Down! It's Not the Grand Prix.

2008-10-29T04:59:00.000-07:00

Close to 70 percent of the respondents in the Gallup Poll couldn't stand it when people spoke too fast. Asking someone to constantly repeat what she said is not fun. You may find people snapping at you because they are frustrated by not being able to understand what you are saying. To slow down your speech is to draw out your vowel sounds for approximately one second.

Swallow Already!

2008-10-29T04:54:00.000-07:00

If you are listening intensely to someone, you might forget to swallow, and therefore you will drool. Another casualty of not swallowing is ugly spittle that builds up in the corners of your mouth. Both of these conditions gross people out, so it is important to be conscious or mindful of swallowing your saliva on a consistent basis.
Swallow whenever you take in a sip of air before you begin speaking. Sipping water on a consistent basis (especially when your mouth is dry) can often remind you to swallow. Mints are also effective in helping you to swallow on a regular basis, so don't leave home without them.

Say It—Don't Spray It!

2008-10-29T04:51:00.000-07:00

Have you ever talked to someone and felt that you needed a raincoat? He spit and sprayed his saliva all over you. If you yourself do this, help is on the way. This may be a casualty of not swallowing your saliva on a consistent basis or having over-active salivary glands. They might also bear down hard on the back portion of your tongue muscles, which in turn press on the salivary gland, thereby causing your saliva to squirt out. You might also do this because of ill-fitting dentures, wearing braces, or having new crowns. In any case, relax your tongue muscles each time you speak. Swallow your excess saliva after you finish speaking, and make yourself take another breath before you continue speaking.

Vowel Control

2008-10-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

Vowels are the meat of your speech. They are produced by selectively changing the size and shape of the oral cavity. Here is a spoken exercise to help you with your vowel pronunciation.
• beet bit bet bat bought but
• boast boot ee ih eh ah aw uh o oo