Gentle-Toned Name Repetition

In his bible of the times, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie mentions that the sound of a person’s name is the sweetest music to her ears. Why? It’s the same as what was said earlier in this blog— people love to talk about their favorite subject, themselves. Softly saying people’s names over and over in a loving tone certainly gets their attention, especially if they are in a rage. It helps to calm them down. Your control over the situation allows them to get in control of themselves. It disarms them. They can’t help but stop and listen. Instead of being seen as the verbal battering ram, you become a warm, soft verbal cushion, making yourself “user-friendly” to them. By the way, this is a standard technique mental health care professionals use in their attempts to gain some control with autistic children.

Love ‘Em Up Strategy

“A pat on the back is just a few vertebrae from a kick in the pants.”
Anyone who has to resort to spitting out verbal venom usually lacks the basic element for survival—love.
Those who lack enough love and support from others usually become insecure, jealous, and angry, and they don’t really feel good about themselves. Deep down, they really want to reach out but can’t, so they go the other direction and act hateful and spiteful. This behavior is, of course, due to their inner rage of not feeling loved enough.
If you look at them in this vein, you won’t have as many bad feelings towards them. They really need to be pitied more than hated. They need more compassion than aggression.
Therefore, instead of being angry at them you actually need to diffuse their anger with love and kindness. This is a Herculean task for anyone who has been verbally shot, maimed, and blown to bits. If you find you just can’t do it, not to worry. This is just one tool of many in your arsenal of verbal defense weapons.
If you think of the common phrase “kill them with kindness,” you might feel a lot better about employing this strategy more often.
Below are six sub-strategies of the Love ‘Em Up Strategy for verbal defense. Try them! They are actually fun to do and very empowering.

“The Joke’s on You”—Funny Bone Strategy

Another sure-fire way to throw your verbal enemy off-kilter is to make fun of either him or yourself. Sometimes it’s difficult for you to come up with something funny, especially after the other person says something that almost leaves you crying, not laughing. Once again, take that lifesaving sip of air in through your mouth for two seconds. Hold it for two seconds, and then start rolling with some humor. The four seconds buys you some time to think of a joke.
It’s best to make a joke related to something negative the person said to you. By retorting in a positive and humorous vein, you gain the upper hand and control over the situation. On the other hand, you can add insult to insult. This will definitely throw him for a loop! He may think he “gotcha” with his zing when in reality, you “gotcha” self with an even better zing!
The key here is to say something even more outrageous than he did. Another humorous technique is to fight fire with fire. He zinged you—zing him back! He says you need to lose weight; you say he does too. Chances are, this insensitive clod isn’t exactly Baywatch material either, right?
Tell him that. Now his big mouth must weigh a ton.
Using this strategy, it doesn’t matter what you say, as long as you say something that’s funny to you.
Later on in the book you learn how to use some snappy comebacks that apply to specific verbally noxious people in specific situations.

The Naked Truth Strategy

Because it is such a rarity in this day and age, direct, bold honesty can blow someone out of the water! When someone makes a nasty and hurtful comment to you, you have the option to tell her the “naked truth.” If you decide to use this strategy, you will definitely have thrown her off balance. No way was she expecting to hear how repulsive you think she was being when she said what she said to you.
Most likely, she will be intimidated by your direct honesty as you deliver the message to her in a projected and well-modulated tone, with an upright, heads-up posture. This is a perfect situation to illustrate how your daily verbal workouts can assist you in each of the strategies you choose to use. Incorporating good posture, direct facial contact, and a sonorous voice—techniques you learned about earlier in this blog—are essential if you want to be effective in getting your verbal message across to verbal abusers.
The Naked Truth Strategy often prevents verbal bombs from being hurled at you in the future. Your verbal adversary usually gains a newfound respect for you, because you have let her know in no uncertain terms that you are on to her verbal games and you will tolerate none of them. In essence, your self-respect—speaking up for yourself—made the verbal enemy have more respect for you as nwell.

Calm, Calculating, Questioning Strategy—Like Columbo

Remember the popular television series Columbo? Detective Columbo would calmly ask invasive questions in such a matter-of-fact, unassuming way that the criminal would unsuspectingly cooperate and answer his seemingly benign—but really quite calculated—questions. Then, of course, Columbo was able to solve the crime and save the day.
Just as Columbo caught his criminal by throwing him or her off balance, you too can use the same approach to throw your verbal opponent off balance.
If you use this technique, you must use a non-hostile, non-angry, unassuming tone. You will have more successful results if you take the following advice.
The purpose of this strategy is to ask someone a series of questions that require either a yes or no answer in a logical progression. It’s kind of like a courtroom lawyer who attempts to make an important point by having his witness respond to a succession of questions. In your case, however, you aren’t hostile.
In questioning, you have to begin by asking the most absurd question, which is guaranteed to elicit a no answer. Then keep going, asking less and less bizarre and over-the-top questions until the person gets the point.
Eventually, he is put in a corner and is forced to see how wrong he is. The “Talk Back!” section gives a clear example of what I’m talking about. The ignorant man who made a generalized racial slur did a complete turnaround in his thinking as a result of this strategy.

Let It Go—Breathe and Blow Strategy

When doing this strategy you must remember the importance of never ever allowing any of this verbal venom to fester inside of you and poison your psyche. Venomous words are like glue— they stick. They will always stick to you unless you are able to release them mentally and physically.
Therefore, the next strategy is designed to give you complete control over your emotions. This strategy underlies all of the other strategies presented in this chapter.
When someone aggravates, your adrenaline begins to flow. Your heart beats faster, your head begins to throb, your face reddens, and your eyes bulge out as you hold your breath. Because you are so shocked, you in essence forget to breathe. In this case, I’m not talking about strategies where you consciously hold your breath in order to achieve a specified effect. I’m talking about uncontrolled cessation of breathing. Here is how you can effectively use the Breathe and Blow strategy to oxygenate yourself.

1. Take a small breath—a two-second sip of air into your mouth.
2. Next, think of your verbal adversary. Recall all the awful things he said to you. Hear his voice spewing forth poisons. Do your recalling in the three-second period where you will be consciously holding on to your breath. In this case, you are in complete control of your breathing because you are fully conscious of what you are doing.
3. As you keep this “verbal violator” in your mind, blow him out through your mouth, exhaling with all your strength.
4. Keep blowing out this breath until you have completely run out of air.
5. Now stop for two seconds and do not breathe.
6. Repeat this exercise a second time. As you literally blow what he said out of your mind, you are ejecting this person from your system.
7. Repeat this procedure once more as you continue to blow out all of the toxic negativity and ill feelings the person’s words have brought you.
8. Now stop and take a big breath in through your mouth, filling up your lungs and exhaling normally. While using this strategy, you may feel a bit light-headed. Not to worry—this is quite normal.

The Look of Disgust Strategy

The Look of Disgust Strategy is very much like the Silent, Expressionless, Blank Stare Strategy. Instead of having no expression on your face, however, you have an expression of disgust. This technique is especially disconcerting to your opponent because he was not expecting this—someone scowling at him in disgust, staring at him, and saying nothing.
Now he is really thrown off balance. He might start to furrow his forehead and knit his brows together, tightening up his jaw as he says, in a defensive tone, “What’s the matter?” or “Why are you looking at me like that?” If he is really uncomfortable, you might hear those infamous four words, “I was only kidding.” There is no way he was “just kidding.” You know it and he knows it. And now he knows that he can’t speak to you the way he did. Your facial expression speaks volumes.
To make the Look of Disgust:
1. Raise your upper lip.
2. Wrinkle your nose.
3. Open your mouth.
4. Raise your chin.
5. Squint your eyes.

This is a universal expression. People from every culture use this facial expression to reflect the emotion of